Telescope (revised) / c&c / PJR

[Peter J Ross]

Telescope
---------

Imagine the spiral of entropy.
Imagine the slow cooling.

If you look long enough,
you'll see a binary star.

If you look long enough,
you'll visit you and me.


Previous draft: Message-ID: <***@gadfly.meow.org>

[Hieronymous Corey]

Post by Peter J Ross
Telescope
---------
Imagine the spiral of entropy.
Imagine the slow cooling.
If you look long enough,
you'll see a binary star.
If you look long enough,
you'll visit you and me.
--
PJR :-)

Kinda like a double helix,
could that be an A.K.A.?
It's not my field, and I'm no Felix,
but parallels seem apparent to D.N.A.

Previous draft: http://tinyurl.com/6jvu3tm

[Idi ta]

Date: Thu, Mar 10, 2011, 12:43am (PST+8) From: ***@example.invalid
(Peter=A0J=A0Ross)

Post by Peter J Ross
Imagine the spiral of entropy.
Imagine the slow cooling.
If you look long enough,
you'll see a binary star.
If you look long enough,
you'll visit you and me.
--
PJR :-)

The title "Telescope" is like an external
accessory required to decode the image, and
that works two ways for me. It underscores the
paucity of description, the lack of air. On the
other hand, it invites one to pick the whole
piece up like a telescope and view the spiral
in full dimension.

I like the idea of a descriptive word being
conflated with its function, but not so much
being uncertain that this was intentional.
The poem plus its title seems to be a binary affair, and maybe they
could be better integrated.

Thanks for reading.

[Hieronymous Corey]

(Peter J Ross)

Post by Peter J Ross
Imagine the spiral of entropy.
Imagine the slow cooling.
If you look long enough,
you'll see a binary star.
If you look long enough,
you'll visit you and me.
--
PJR :-)

The title "Telescope" is like an external
accessory required to decode the image, and
that works two ways for me. It underscores the
paucity of description, the lack of air. On the
other hand, it invites one to pick the whole
piece up like a telescope and view the spiral
in full dimension.
I like the idea of a descriptive word being
conflated with its function, but not so much
being uncertain that this was intentional.
The poem plus its title seems to be a binary affair, and maybe they
could be better integrated.
Thanks for reading.

No, thank you, Barry. You make sense. What you wrote is clearly
stated, and brings several things into sharper relief for me, so
really, thanks again. You write well, and I appreciate your
commentary here. I only wish there was more of it. I'll take what I
can get though. Have a good one out there. I think I probably envy
your access to Napa, because I have this ever so slight urge to say
"fuck you, pal", but in doing so don't want to convey, or be perceived
in the wrong context, thus this.

[Peter J Ross]

In alt.arts.poetry.comments on Wed, 9 Mar 2011 19:56:04 -0800, Idi ta

(Peter J Ross)

Post by Peter J Ross
Imagine the spiral of entropy.
Imagine the slow cooling.
If you look long enough,
you'll see a binary star.
If you look long enough,
you'll visit you and me.
--
PJR :-)

The title "Telescope" is like an external
accessory required to decode the image, and
that works two ways for me. It underscores the
paucity of description, the lack of air. On the
other hand, it invites one to pick the whole
piece up like a telescope and view the spiral
in full dimension.
I like the idea of a descriptive word being
conflated with its function, but not so much
being uncertain that this was intentional.
The poem plus its title seems to be a binary affair, and maybe they
could be better integrated.
Thanks for reading.

Thanks for commenting fiercely but fairly.

Here's the previous draft:

===[begin_quoted_text]================================================
Telescope
---------

If you look long enough,
you'll see a binary star
that has no planets.
What could be purer?

Imagine the spiral of entropy.
Imagine the slow cooling
that drifts not apart but falls
into forgotten warmth.

If you look long enough,
you'll see you and me,
whose turning turns closer,
close to the one pure thought.
===[end_quoted_text]==================================================

I cut out everything I found annoying.


Idita, would you participate in a moderated version of AAPC such as
has been discussed here recently? If not, why not?

[Hieronymous Corey]

Post by Peter J Ross
I cut out everything I found annoying.

What, for Lent? You still smoke pot though, right?

Post by Peter J Ross
Idita, would you participate in a moderated version of AAPC such as
has been discussed here recently? If not, why not?

Who?

[Idi ta]

Date: Sat, Mar 12, 2011, 9:41pm (PST+8) From: ***@example.invalid
(Peter=A0J=A0Ross) Idi ta <***@webtv.net> wrote:
Date: Thu, Mar 10, 2011, 12:43am (PST+8) From: ***@example.invalid
(Peter=C2=A0J=C2=A0Ross)

Post by Peter J Ross

Post by Peter J Ross
Imagine the spiral of entropy.
Imagine the slow cooling.
If you look long enough,
you'll see a binary star.
If you look long enough,
you'll visit you and me.

--
PJR :-)

[...}

Post by Peter J Ross
Thanks for commenting fiercely
---------
If you look long enough,
you'll see a binary star
that has no planets.
What could be purer?
Imagine the spiral of entropy.
Imagine the slow cooling
that drifts not apart but falls
into forgotten warmth.
If you look long enough,
you'll see you and me,
whose turning turns closer,
close to the one pure thought.
=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D
I cut out everything I found annoying.

So that's what happened. You cut off the flesh,
and the bones don't speak to each other.

I would change "forgotten" to "familiar".

Nothing annoys until "the one pure thought". You de-focused there, so to
speak, and right at the spot you should have nailed it.

Post by Peter J Ross
Idita, would you participate in a
moderated version of AAPC such
as has been discussed here
recently? If not, why not?

The pros/cons of a moderated group have been addressed here, and I trust
you guys. Please stay in touch.

Hopefully the consideration "who will keep the
keepers" does not acquire a life of its own, at least not until we're
well away from this accursed planet.

[Peter J Ross]

In alt.arts.poetry.comments on Sat, 12 Mar 2011 18:50:04 -0800, Idi ta
<***@webtv.net> wrote:

<...>

Post by Idi ta
I would change "forgotten" to "familiar".

Omitting the adjective completely might be better. Thanks for
commenting again.

[Gwyneth]

On 10/03/11 01:43, Peter J Ross wrote:

Hi Peter,

Thanks for coming back to this thread yesterday - I'd completely lost it
in the noise.

Post by Peter J Ross
Telescope
---------
Imagine the spiral of entropy.
Imagine the slow cooling.
If you look long enough,
you'll see a binary star.
If you look long enough,
you'll visit you and me.

Although this doesn't offer very much space for the reader to explore, I
much prefer it to the earlier version. I like the clinical / scientific
cleanliness of the pared down structure.

The blank lines do help give a little 'elbow room', but it's more a
slight pause for thought than allowing any impetus or momentum in the
reading: the end-stopping holds it all on a tight rein. It's clean and
precise, and despite the first couplet with its 'imagine', 'spiral',
'entropy' and 'slow cooling', everything is very controlled.

The one word that really rankles for me is 'visit'. There's something
about that last line that changes the pace, and I'm not sure it works
even at the end.

As usual, reading closely enough to do any kind of c&c has shown me more
about my own attitudes to, and understanding of, poetry in general.
Thanks for posting.

g.

[Hieronymous Corey]

Post by Gwyneth
Hi Peter,
Thanks for coming back to this thread yesterday - I'd completely lost it
in the noise.

Noise? What do you hear when you go walking? "The hills are
alive ..."

[=z=]

Post by Gwyneth
Hi Peter,
Thanks for coming back to this thread yesterday - I'd completely lost it
in the noise.

Noise?  What do you hear when you go walking?  "The hills are
alive ..."

[Peter J Ross]

In alt.arts.poetry.comments on Sun, 13 Mar 2011 08:31:20 +0100,

Post by Gwyneth
The one word that really rankles for me is 'visit'. There's something
about that last line that changes the pace, and I'm not sure it works
even at the end.

I agree. Thanks for commenting.

If either you or Idi Ta thinks that a poem can be made out of this
stuff, feel free to borrow as much as you think is usable.

[Hieronymous Corey]

Post by Peter J Ross
In alt.arts.poetry.comments on Sun, 13 Mar 2011 08:31:20 +0100,

Post by Gwyneth
The one word that really rankles for me is 'visit'. There's something
about that last line that changes the pace, and I'm not sure it works
even at the end.

I agree. Thanks for commenting.
If either you or Idi Ta thinks that a poem can be made out of this
stuff, feel free to borrow as much as you think is usable.

LOL!! Funny that you would think to limit the list of those that
should feel free "borrow". You're every bit the moron Dockery is.

[Idi ta]

Look long enough,
see planets.

The cooling drifts,
falls
forgotten.

Look long enough,
you'll see.

Turning turns closer,
close
the thought.

[Hieronymous Corey]

Post by Idi ta
Look long enough,
see planets.
The cooling drifts,
falls
forgotten.
Look long enough,
you'll see.
Turning turns closer,
close
the thought.

Looking long, or long enough
to see the sea of planet stuff,
the stars, the Mars and Venuses;
just think how big your penis is
compared to staring way out there
where penis envy can be shared
like dicks so thick that they could fill
a black assed hole against its ...

Will you look at that shit? I am so so sorry. I really wouldn't want
to make this any harder on you than it already is. Please forgive
me; I really haven't the vaguest fucking idea what I'm doing here.

[Peter J Ross]

In alt.arts.poetry.comments on Sun, 20 Mar 2011 10:29:26 -0700, Idi ta

Post by Idi ta
Look long enough,
see planets.
The cooling drifts,
falls
forgotten.
Look long enough,
you'll see.
Turning turns closer,
close
the thought.

I think this is almost as empty of interesting imagery as my version
was. I think our subject matter may be too gigantic and impersonal to
be treatable in a short poem.

Entropy.
Entorpy.
Enotpzz.
Enpzzzz.
Zzzzzzz.

(That was short, but surely not a poem.)

[Idi ta]

Date: Mon, Mar 28, 2011, 9:57pm (PDT+7) From: ***@example.invalid
(Peter=A0J=A0Ross)

Post by Peter J Ross

Post by Idi ta
Look long enough,
see planets.
The cooling drifts,
falls
forgotten.
Look long enough,
you'll see.
Turning turns closer,
close
the thought.

I think this is almost as empty of
interesting imagery as my version
was.

The revised version. It's interesting that Gwyneth admired your economy,
wherein I saw evisceration.

Post by Peter J Ross
I think our subject matter may be too
gigantic and impersonal to be
treatable in a short poem.

I think our hobby horse is very poignant with all
its legs sawn off.

[Hieronymous Corey]

(Peter J Ross)

Post by Peter J Ross

Post by Idi ta
Look long enough,
see planets.
The cooling drifts,
falls
forgotten.
Look long enough,
you'll see.
Turning turns closer,
close
the thought.

I think this is almost as empty of
interesting imagery as my version
was.

The revised version. It's interesting that Gwyneth admired your economy,
wherein I saw evisceration.

Post by Peter J Ross
I think our subject matter may be too
gigantic and impersonal to be
treatable in a short poem.

I think our hobby horse is very poignant with all
its legs sawn off.

I think I like a bike with wheels
because <a pause> of how it feels
upon my bum like some big hand.
When paused, I've cause for my kick stand.

[Hieronymous Corey]

Post by Hieronymous Corey

(Peter J Ross)

Post by Peter J Ross

Post by Idi ta
Look long enough,
see planets.
The cooling drifts,
falls
forgotten.
Look long enough,
you'll see.
Turning turns closer,
close
the thought.

I think this is almost as empty of
interesting imagery as my version
was.

The revised version. It's interesting that Gwyneth admired your economy,
wherein I saw evisceration.

Post by Peter J Ross
I think our subject matter may be too
gigantic and impersonal to be
treatable in a short poem.

I think our hobby horse is very poignant with all
its legs sawn off.

I think I like a bike with wheels
because <a pause> of how it feels
upon my bum like some big hand.
When paused, I've cause for my kick stand.- Hide quoted text -
- Show quoted text -

Entropic topics tend to be more
caustic. Faucets socially pour
data streaming. Beaming faces
place me here. Of all the places
I could be, you see me clearly
as I write, you might well hear me
say, "HOORAY! I'm glad you're listening!"
like as if your beam was glistening
here where nearly no one comes
because I pause to sound this dumb.

[Will-Dockery]

Post by Peter J Ross
Telescop
--------
Imagine the spiral of entropy
Imagine the slow cooling
If you look long enough
you'll see a binary star
If you look long enough
you'll visit you and me
Previous draft: Message-ID: <blkuvj
--
PJR :-

Interesting PJR piece from the archives


This is a response to the post seen at
http://www.jlaforums.com/viewtopic.php?p=658838241#65883824