On Tuesday, February 11, 2020 at 5:35:46 PM UTC-5, Will Dockery wrote:
I'm going to try to do a line-by-line criticism, since I am your go-to sonnet guy or whatever you called me.
You don't need "sonnet'. The year alone looks more dramatic.
Post by Will DockeryIn 1977 all was fair.
I think you need to end it with a full stop (so I added it).
That's a good opening line. First because it scans, even though it's so short it doesn't look like from a sonnet. Second, how it scans.
"in NINE/teen SEV/en-ty SEV/en All/ was FAIR"
You have an extra unstressed syllable in the middle foot. I don't think you did that deliberately (I think it just came with the year), so I'd like to explain what it does. The first lines of few lines of a poem in verse define the verse or meter, and you've defined it as "loose iambic pentameter" - 5 beats or stresses per line, but with extra unstressed syllables mixed in to vary the beat.
Post by Will Dockerythat February, walking to the show.
We saw our shadowy kingdom draped in snow
Good lines. Again, the way you vary the rhyme keeps the reader from knowing it's a sonnet yet. "Shadowy kingdom" is a nice play on "Shadowville", and "draped in snow" is pretty.
Post by Will Dockeryand felt the creativity in the air.
Oh, I love that line! You're breaking the rules and getting away with it. Remember ggamble's rule 1: "Avoid cliches and abstractions". Well, here you use both an abstraction ("creativity") and a cliche. If you'd gone with Shakespearean rhyme and made this L3:
We felt the creativity in the air
And saw our shadowy kingdom draped in snow
- that line would have sucked! But it works because you flipped those lines. Why? Because coming after L3, it actually gives me an image - it lets me imagine the feeling of the cold on my skin, and the alertness that accompanies it, when I'm outdoors on a day in February.
Post by Will DockeryIn the haze of confidence I saw no effect,
I'd suggest "In a haze", and "no defect,"
Post by Will Dockerynothing but success I could expect in time.
There's an extra beat (or stress) here, which you can't have
"with nothing but success ahead in time"?
Post by Will DockeryShe was 17 and I in 19 year old prime
Another extra beat.
"at 17 19, in our prime."
Post by Will Dockeryon her eternal beauty I now reflect.
Capitalize "On" and cut "now".
Post by Will DockerySo it was confidently blessed from above,
OK; I don't like that line much, but it scans; and it allows you to get in the L12 rhyme you want. Maybe "As it was"?
Post by Will Dockerywe met under the blazing blue stars.
That line seems too short, because you've got only the one syllable in your last foot. A quick fix would be "blazing blue of the stars."
I'd like to see "we met that night" - that's the significance of the date, right? In that case, though, you'd have to replace "blazing blue", with either a color word (aqua, turquoise, azure) or a blazing word ("neon" or just "blazing).
Post by Will DockeryNo challenger to sound the battle charge,
OK - it's an off-rhyme and an offbeat image, the weakest line so far - but you are back to a flawless meter. I put a comma on the end.
Post by Will Dockerywe knew that we had met in instant love.
I'd like this line to end with a comma, too - or, if you're uncomfortable with that, with a dash - because your last two lines aren't a sentence.
Post by Will DockeryMature in our intent, though young in days,
Made confident by love and mutual praise.
Nice lines. The contrast of 'mature' and 'young' reminded me of Shakespeare, who liked to do that sort of thing in his sonnets.
The sonnet began and ended well; and though there's some ragged bits in the middle, I think you can take care of them with on your next draft.
Post by Will Dockery-Will Dockery 2020
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https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10158441765579363&set=a.10150542385934363&type=3&theater
Kathy Strickland & Will Dockery, February 11th 1978. in La Grange Georgia.
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A new poem, re-posted for comments and suggestions.