On Tue, 28 Oct 2003 12:01:33 +0100 (CET), Tarapia Tapioco wrote in
Post by Peter J RossPost by Peter J RossSee me smile and count my teeth,
grey and crooked, like the grave
you'll soon be in, babe. Move to Hove
and build a bathchair architrave.
Deny, deny awhile the truth and
see me smile.
O plastyrheumic fooling earth
so sure there's unicorns to save!
I know what truffle-hunting's worth,
and I'll not
and I'll not let
and I'll not let you
see me smile.
PJR, 28 Oct 2003
See me smile and count my teeth,
grey and crooked, like the grave
you'll soon be in babe, and
move to Hove
and build a bathchair architrave.
Deny, deny awhile the truth and
see me smile.
connects I think better into a verse, especially cause of the incoming 'O'.
The connection with the rondeau form is too remote for me.
Post by Peter J Rossplastyrheumic bathchair architrave - clever words strategically placed, nice.
Don't know if the "I'll" shortened has any voice impact but visually is pleasing (I guess).
I wanted "I'll not" rather than "I won't" or "I shan't" or "I will
not" or "I shall not", because I wanted yet another ambiguity, in this
case between "shall" (futurity) and "will" (intention).
The whole thing is based on the song (of which I forget the title)
which includes the lines "I'm in heaven / when you smile", recorded
originally by Dexy's Midnight Runners and covered by Van Morrison.
That was the bit of grit in the oyster, but it may be undetectable
even in this earlyish draft.
Post by Peter J RossImagine the waitress in front of you bending over to pick up the squashed Guinness can.
Waitresses do this in line of duty, but I betch y'a the best'll have a look between the legs ;)
Given a choice between an average waitress and an average can of
Guinness, I think I'd go for the Guinness, but you specified that the
can was empty, so...
Post by Peter J RossI wonder if I still had that miserable old poem of mine (bent moment or something), hehehe.
Yes, do post poems. You're not one of the useless people,. in my
opinion.
And thanks for comenting.
--
PJR :-)
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