Discussion:
Nightmares
Add Reply
Vinyl Cat
2019-09-02 20:13:17 UTC
Reply
Permalink
Nightmares (I)

They came to me every few nights.
flashes of being taken into a closet.
all I see are jeans and a red light.
and a blurry face.
I'm being forced to do something no child should ever do.
I don't know what I am supposed to do.
there is no one to help me, so I go along.
I wake up crying, "HELP!".
Mom would coddle me get me back to bed.
When I was a teenager, we got a visitor.
It was, the man from my nightmares!
It was then I knew, the worse of my nightmares are true.






Wrote 9/1/2019 7:42am
Will Dockery
2019-09-02 20:34:08 UTC
Reply
Permalink
Post by Vinyl Cat
Nightmares (I)
They came to me every few nights.
flashes of being taken into a closet.
all I see are jeans and a red light.
and a blurry face.
I'm being forced to do something no child should ever do.
I don't know what I am supposed to do.
there is no one to help me, so I go along.
I wake up crying, "HELP!".
Mom would coddle me get me back to bed.
When I was a teenager, we got a visitor.
It was, the man from my nightmares!
It was then I knew, the worse of my nightmares are true.
Wrote 9/1/2019 7:42am
Powerful poetry... yes, art is not always pretty.
Vinyl Cat
2019-09-02 20:41:43 UTC
Reply
Permalink
Thank you Will! I made two beautiful children and played the French horn beautifully. It may be a while before I write beautiful words or play beautiful music. But write and sing....I just may.
Will Dockery
2019-09-02 21:00:58 UTC
Reply
Permalink
Post by Vinyl Cat
Thank you Will! I made two beautiful children and played the French horn beautifully. It may be a while before I write beautiful words or play beautiful music. But write and sing....I just may.
The French Horn!

The late John Entwhistle, bassist for The Who, would whip his French horn out at certain times during their shows... just short riffs but were very effective.

At one and a half minutes in, Pictures Of Lily - The Who:



bigsirenguy wrote:

"I love how John just pops that French horn outta nowhere..."
Vinyl Cat
2019-09-02 21:22:42 UTC
Reply
Permalink
It's the one of most beautiful sounding instrument.
Will Dockery
2019-09-02 22:30:41 UTC
Reply
Permalink
Post by Vinyl Cat
Thank you Will! I made two beautiful children and played the French horn beautifully. It may be a while before I write beautiful words or play beautiful music. But write and sing....I just may.
I like the poem just as it is, even the two longer lines match, and rhyme.

You are good. 😀

If I like it, I like it:
Vinyl Cat
2019-09-02 22:35:00 UTC
Reply
Permalink
Thank you Will!! 😘
NancyGene
2019-09-02 23:32:12 UTC
Reply
Permalink
Post by Will Dockery
Post by Vinyl Cat
Thank you Will! I made two beautiful children and played the French horn beautifully. It may be a while before I write beautiful words or play beautiful music. But write and sing....I just may.
I like the poem just as it is, even the two longer lines match, and rhyme.
You are good. 😀
Sure you would, because you are ignorant and don't know the first thing about how to write a poem, how to write a sentence, or how to write an unbouncing check.

The two longer lines are part of the famous rhyme scheme of: a,b,a,c,d,d,e,f,g,h,i,d.

If you like it, that doesn't make it good or tell the author that the poem is not seriously flawed. VinylCheshireKat's poetry is not "great" but at least she submitted something. Telling her that her poem is "great" is doing her a disservice.
Don Perryman
2019-09-02 23:34:34 UTC
Reply
Permalink
Post by NancyGene
Post by Will Dockery
Post by Vinyl Cat
Thank you Will! I made two beautiful children and played the French horn beautifully. It may be a while before I write beautiful words or play beautiful music. But write and sing....I just may.
I like the poem just as it is, even the two longer lines match, and rhyme.
You are good. 😀
Sure you would
As any true poetry lo9veer would.....

It is a fine example of Button Poetry......

Zod
2019-09-02 22:39:34 UTC
Reply
Permalink
Post by Vinyl Cat
Thank you Will! I made two beautiful children and played the French horn beautifully. It may be a while before I write beautiful words or play beautiful music. But write and sing....I just may.
I bet you have some beautiful tits. Show 'em.
Hieronymous Corey
2019-09-02 23:04:23 UTC
Reply
Permalink
Don't be crude. Leave her tits alone.
Her tits are none of your business.
You shouldn't even mention her tits.
Don Perryman
2019-09-02 23:29:32 UTC
Reply
Permalink
Post by Hieronymous Corey
Don't be crude. Leave her tits alone.
Her tits are none of your business.
You shouldn't even mention her tits.
Hello my friend, how is your day going, Pastor C....?
NancyGene
2019-09-02 21:57:39 UTC
Reply
Permalink
Post by Vinyl Cat
Nightmares (I)
It is not clear whether you are indicating that this is Nightmares I. in a table of contents, or Nightmares of yours (I), or the first poem of a series of Nightmares.
Post by Vinyl Cat
They came to me every few nights.
flashes of being taken into a closet.
all I see are jeans and a red light.
and a blurry face.
Why are you putting periods at the end of sentence fragments?
Post by Vinyl Cat
I'm being forced to do something no child should ever do.
I don't know what I am supposed to do.
You are being forced to do something but don't know what you are supposed to do as in seeking help? This is very awkwardly worded and should be rethought. Too many "do's" in your lines.
Post by Vinyl Cat
there is no one to help me, so I go along.
We would think that the child's reaction would be stronger than going along, even if it isn't a physical fight-back.
Post by Vinyl Cat
I wake up crying, "HELP!".
You just said that the child was going along, so why is he now crying help?
Post by Vinyl Cat
Mom would coddle me get me back to bed.
When I was a teenager, we got a visitor.
It was, the man from my nightmares!
However, it was established that the child of the nightmares only saw jeans, a red light and a blurry face. How does the child now recognize the man? The third line should not have a comma after "was." Too many "was" words, and they unfortunately line up as if the last line is going to be a repeat of the previous line.
Post by Vinyl Cat
It was then I knew, the worse of my nightmares are true.
We take this as saying that the nightmares were events that were actually happening at that time. We think you mean "worst" of the nightmares.
Post by Vinyl Cat
Wrote 9/1/2019 7:42am
Reread the above and think proper tense of "write." Anyone who reads that line would dismiss the rest of the poem.
Will Dockery
2019-09-02 22:14:53 UTC
Reply
Permalink
Hey now, Nancy G.

I feel I am being quite helpful... I snipped all your blather, after all.

;)
Vinyl Cat
2019-09-02 22:21:30 UTC
Reply
Permalink
I'm a first timer. Thanks for your comments.
ME
2019-09-02 22:32:27 UTC
Reply
Permalink
Post by Vinyl Cat
I'm a first timer. Thanks for your comments.
VC, you’d fair well to at least consider NG’s comments. They write and share new poetry on almost a daily basis.
They can be very helpful to newcomers that are interested in developing their writing talents.
NancyGene
2019-09-02 23:26:41 UTC
Reply
Permalink
Post by Vinyl Cat
I'm a first timer. Thanks for your comments.
When you write something, put it away and then read it again the next day or so. Look for contradictions and grammar. If you don't know the correct punctuation, leave that out.
ME
2019-09-02 22:24:24 UTC
Reply
Permalink
Post by NancyGene
Post by Vinyl Cat
Nightmares (I)
It is not clear whether you are indicating that this is Nightmares I. in a table of contents, or Nightmares of yours (I), or the first poem of a series of Nightmares.
Post by Vinyl Cat
They came to me every few nights.
flashes of being taken into a closet.
all I see are jeans and a red light.
and a blurry face.
Why are you putting periods at the end of sentence fragments?
Post by Vinyl Cat
I'm being forced to do something no child should ever do.
I don't know what I am supposed to do.
You are being forced to do something but don't know what you are supposed to do as in seeking help? This is very awkwardly worded and should be rethought. Too many "do's" in your lines.
Post by Vinyl Cat
there is no one to help me, so I go along.
We would think that the child's reaction would be stronger than going along, even if it isn't a physical fight-back.
Post by Vinyl Cat
I wake up crying, "HELP!".
You just said that the child was going along, so why is he now crying help?
Post by Vinyl Cat
Mom would coddle me get me back to bed.
When I was a teenager, we got a visitor.
It was, the man from my nightmares!
However, it was established that the child of the nightmares only saw jeans, a red light and a blurry face. How does the child now recognize the man? The third line should not have a comma after "was." Too many "was" words, and they unfortunately line up as if the last line is going to be a repeat of the previous line.
Post by Vinyl Cat
It was then I knew, the worse of my nightmares are true.
We take this as saying that the nightmares were events that were actually happening at that time. We think you mean "worst" of the nightmares.
Post by Vinyl Cat
Wrote 9/1/2019 7:42am
Reread the above and think proper tense of "write." Anyone who reads that line would dismiss the rest of the poem.
NG, you read and offer a review, critique and/ or comments on the actual poem.
Others merely offer slurps.
That’s the difference between an audience and a communal circle jerk.
Will Dockery
2019-09-02 22:26:08 UTC
Reply
Permalink
Post by Vinyl Cat
Nightmares (I)
They came to me every few nights.
flashes of being taken into a closet.
all I see are jeans and a red light.
and a blurry face.
I'm being forced to do something no child should ever do.
I don't know what I am supposed to do.
there is no one to help me, so I go along.
I wake up crying, "HELP!".
Mom would coddle me get me back to bed.
When I was a teenager, we got a visitor.
It was, the man from my nightmares!
It was then I knew, the worse of my nightmares are true.
Wrote 9/1/2019 7:42am
As for being "helpful"... I like the poem just fine as it is.

;)
Will Dockery
2019-09-02 23:15:54 UTC
Reply
Permalink
Keep up the great poetry, Vinyl...

And ignore the trolls.

;)
Loading...