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Deep Blue Sassafras / Will Dockery (Edit: George Dance)
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Will Dockery
2018-08-18 20:41:49 UTC
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Deep Blue Sassafras

You never left:
As another day passes

your love
my love
continues.

You sleep
or you wander,
depending on the chosen myth.

But those
deep blue flowers in a box,
the color of your eyes,

the deep blue flowers
I found blooming
in the lumber yard

that I brought to you
that summer morning in 1982,

the flowers
that smelled like sassafras,

like you,
never leave my thoughts
day in, day out.

-Will Dockery
(Edit by George J. Dance)
Will Dockery
2018-08-18 21:31:55 UTC
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Example for Pendragon, for comment... the George Dance edit.
Chafetz Chayim ha'Yehu'di
2018-08-19 01:11:16 UTC
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Post by Will Dockery
Example for Pendragon, for comment... the George Dance edit.
Will, what SpambotLizard articulated here is irrelevant rant.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
STEPHAN PICKERING / חפץ ח"ם בן אברהם
Torah אלילה Yehu'di Apikores / Philologia Kabbalistica Speculativa Researcher
לחיות זמן רב ולשגשג...לעולם לא עוד
THE KABBALAH FRACTALS PROJECT
לעולם לא אשכח

IN PROGRESS: Shabtai Zisel benAvraham v'Rachel Riva:
davening in the musematic dark
Will Dockery
2018-10-29 12:30:49 UTC
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Post by Chafetz Chayim ha'Yehu'di
Will, what SpambotLizard articulated here is irrelevant rant.
He does seem full of them, doesn't he?

:)
Will Dockery
2018-11-02 16:35:40 UTC
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Post by Chafetz Chayim ha'Yehu'di
Post by Will Dockery
Example for Pendragon, for comment... the George Dance edit.
Will, what SpambotLizard articulated here is irrelevant rant.
No surprise there.
Will Dockery
2019-01-11 19:22:02 UTC
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Your homophobia is showing, "Me".

:)
Zod
2019-01-11 21:46:35 UTC
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Post by Will Dockery
Your homophobia is showing, "Me".
:)
That is a surprise.................. ha ha............
Will Dockery
2019-01-12 12:00:05 UTC
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Post by Chafetz Chayim ha'Yehu'di
Post by Will Dockery
Example for Pendragon, for comment... the George Dance edit.
Will, what SpambotLizard articulated here is irrelevant rant.
Pretty much his filibuster.
Zod
2019-02-03 22:38:06 UTC
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Post by Chafetz Chayim ha'Yehu'di
Post by Will Dockery
Example for Pendragon, for comment... the George Dance edit.
Will, what SpambotLizard articulated here is irrelevant rant.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
STEPHAN PICKERING / חפץ ח"ם בן אברהם
Torah אלילה Yehu'di Apikores / Philologia Kabbalistica Speculativa Researcher
לחיות זמן רב ולשגשג...לעולם לא עוד
THE KABBALAH FRACTALS PROJECT
לעולם לא אשכח
davening in the musematic dark
Loading Image...

Thank ye Stephan....
Will Dockery™
2019-02-04 03:02:25 UTC
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By the way, Stephan, your letter to David arrived last night.

Michael Pendragon
2018-08-19 01:07:09 UTC
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Post by Will Dockery
Deep Blue Sassafras
As another day passes
your love
my love
continues.
One does not capitalize after a colon. There is also no conceivable reason why you should separate the sentence into two pieces by inserting a blank line midway through it.

"Another" is incorrect. The correct word is "each." "Each" denotes constancy: her love continues (to be a part of your life) each day. Whereas "another" is tentative. "Another" means "one more." Your love has lasted another day ... but it probably won't last for very many more. Since the speaker is informing someone that she'd *never* left, the implication is that she never will: thus, "each" expresses the correct meaning.

The opening line, "You never left" is okay if you're Rocky Balboa. It's blunt and coarse -- and not in keeping with the spirit of a poem about lost love and wildflowers.

The phrase, "your love, my love" is hopelessly cliched. A google search pulls up Poem Hunter poems by people named "Aqua Flower" and "Tiku Akp" -- IOW: it's a phrase used by every amateur poet to come down the pike over the past 500 years. But, as I'm sure you think it's "catchy," there's no point in arguing you out of it.

Further (and this is a personal preference), I find ending the poem's opening line with a colon to be a bit off-putting. Not only does it imply that you were unable to sustain the opening thought beyond three words, but it has the cold, technical feel of a business letter. "Dear Sir or Madam:"

I would replace it with either ellipses and a blank line, or an "em dash" and the same.

Thus, I would edit your opening stanza as follows:

Deep Blue Sassafras

You've never left ...

as each day passes
your love
continues.

However, this is still unsatisfactory as a poem. "Continues" is usually followed by a word or words explaining just what it continues to do. Apparently your "editor" has no better understanding of verbs/adverbs than you (talk about the blind leading the blind).

Of course it is not a critic's business to decide what your love's love is continuing to do. The stereotypical scenario would be that it continues to grow; whereas your Beat idols would probably say that it continues to stick to the sole of your shoe like discarded chewing gum.

I can't see where her love is doing any specific thing, and would drop "continues" altogether. The cliched poetic lines expressing this sentiment would be "Your love is with me still," or "Your love still lives in my heart."

However, since these lines are much too florid for your choppy, two and three beat lines, I would simply go with "remains."

Hence:

Deep Blue Sassafras

You've never left ...

as each day passes
your love
remains.

But this still doesn't read correctly. People don't say things like "as each day passes" in real life. That's more poetic posturing -- attempting to make a common thought "poetical" by expressing it in a high-flown manner. It's the sort of poetic pretentiousness common to rank amateurs. "With every passing day" is better, but still far too cliched.

So let's take yet another stab at getting the opening acceptable:

Deep Blue Sassafras

You've never left ...

each day
your love
remains.

Well ... it's less horrible. One can't make a silk purse out of sow's ear. The problem is that there's nothing there to work with. The basic thought "Though you're gone, your love lives on" (to quote Mitchell Parish's lyric to "Deep Purple") is pretty much the theme of every poem about lost love. You need something in your opening stanza to make your poem interesting.

As is, you've got a skeletal outline waiting for someone to add some memorable words.
Post by Will Dockery
You sleep
or you wander,
depending on the chosen myth.
I'm not sure which myth leaves the souls of the departed to wander, but whatever. The third line is just awful. It sounds like you're reading an essay to a class, rather than addressing the spirit of a lost love. The stanza only serves to affirm what was hinted at in the preceding one, and is literally saying "you're dead."

So, we've now got:

Deep Blue Sassafras

You've never left ...

each day
your love
remains.

You're dead.

Which is the point where even the most stout-hearted of poets would crumble up his sheet of parchment and start over from scratch.

Once again, the problem is that there's nothing there. "You're dead." Whoop-de-damn-do.

The use of "chosen myth" in the third line also implies that the speaker doesn't believe in either myth. Therefore his dead lover would be performing neither of the options he's given her (sleeping or wandering). She would simply have ceased to exist.

There are several million better ways to express the thought that "you're dead." Pick one, or drop the stanza altogether.
Post by Will Dockery
But those
deep blue flowers in a box,
the color of your eyes,
the deep blue flowers
I found blooming
in the lumber yard
that I brought to you
that summer morning in 1982,
the flowers
that smelled like sassafras,
like you,
never leave my thoughts
day in, day out.
That's one helluva run-on! What was your "editor" thinking?

Let's take out the random line breaks and read it as a sentence:

"But those deep blue flowers in a box, the color of your eyes, the deep blue flowers I found blooming in the lumber yard that I brought to you that summer morning in 1982, the flowers that smelled like sassafras, like you, never leave my thoughts day in, day out."

You're rambling on ... and only semi-coherently.

For example: you mean to say that the flowers were the color of her eyes, but what you've actually compared them to is the box. It's also unclear whether the girl also "smelled like sassafras" or whether the smell of sassafras never leaves your thoughts.

A set of ellipses or an "em dash" is required to separate the closing line's Johnny Mercer title from your "thoughts" that precede it.

This is the best stanza in your poem -- but that's not much of a compliment. I guess if one runs five of your randomly broken stanzas together (as I've done here), it increases the odds that you might actually have something to say. In this case, the speaker is looking at, or thinking of, some pressed wildflowers that he picked for his lover and claiming (a melodramatic exaggeration, IMHO) that the memory of each never leaves him. I doubt "Bernstein" (in "Citizen Kane") thinks about that girl he glimpsed on the ferry as often as he claims, either, but at least he limits the frequency to once a month (give or take).

And if the "deep blue flowers" are "forget-me-nots" (which are deep blue) ... we could really simplify things:

Forget-Me-Not

Your love still blooms
in memory --
like deep blue flowers
I picked for you
behind the lumber yard
that Summer day.
BPJ
2018-08-19 01:14:43 UTC
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Post by Michael Pendragon
Post by Will Dockery
Deep Blue Sassafras
As another day passes
your love
my love
continues.
One does not capitalize after a colon. There is also no conceivable reason why you should separate the sentence into two pieces by inserting a blank line midway through it.
"Another" is incorrect. The correct word is "each." "Each" denotes constancy: her love continues (to be a part of your life) each day. Whereas "another" is tentative. "Another" means "one more." Your love has lasted another day ... but it probably won't last for very many more. Since the speaker is informing someone that she'd *never* left, the implication is that she never will: thus, "each" expresses the correct meaning.
The opening line, "You never left" is okay if you're Rocky Balboa. It's blunt and coarse -- and not in keeping with the spirit of a poem about lost love and wildflowers.
The phrase, "your love, my love" is hopelessly cliched. A google search pulls up Poem Hunter poems by people named "Aqua Flower" and "Tiku Akp" -- IOW: it's a phrase used by every amateur poet to come down the pike over the past 500 years. But, as I'm sure you think it's "catchy," there's no point in arguing you out of it.
Further (and this is a personal preference), I find ending the poem's opening line with a colon to be a bit off-putting. Not only does it imply that you were unable to sustain the opening thought beyond three words, but it has the cold, technical feel of a business letter. "Dear Sir or Madam:"
I would replace it with either ellipses and a blank line, or an "em dash" and the same.
Deep Blue Sassafras
You've never left ...
as each day passes
your love
continues.
However, this is still unsatisfactory as a poem. "Continues" is usually followed by a word or words explaining just what it continues to do. Apparently your "editor" has no better understanding of verbs/adverbs than you (talk about the blind leading the blind).
Of course it is not a critic's business to decide what your love's love is continuing to do. The stereotypical scenario would be that it continues to grow; whereas your Beat idols would probably say that it continues to stick to the sole of your shoe like discarded chewing gum.
I can't see where her love is doing any specific thing, and would drop "continues" altogether. The cliched poetic lines expressing this sentiment would be "Your love is with me still," or "Your love still lives in my heart."
However, since these lines are much too florid for your choppy, two and three beat lines, I would simply go with "remains."
Deep Blue Sassafras
You've never left ...
as each day passes
your love
remains.
But this still doesn't read correctly. People don't say things like "as each day passes" in real life. That's more poetic posturing -- attempting to make a common thought "poetical" by expressing it in a high-flown manner. It's the sort of poetic pretentiousness common to rank amateurs. "With every passing day" is better, but still far too cliched.
Deep Blue Sassafras
You've never left ...
each day
your love
remains.
Well ... it's less horrible. One can't make a silk purse out of sow's ear. The problem is that there's nothing there to work with. The basic thought "Though you're gone, your love lives on" (to quote Mitchell Parish's lyric to "Deep Purple") is pretty much the theme of every poem about lost love. You need something in your opening stanza to make your poem interesting.
As is, you've got a skeletal outline waiting for someone to add some memorable words.
Post by Will Dockery
You sleep
or you wander,
depending on the chosen myth.
I'm not sure which myth leaves the souls of the departed to wander, but whatever. The third line is just awful. It sounds like you're reading an essay to a class, rather than addressing the spirit of a lost love. The stanza only serves to affirm what was hinted at in the preceding one, and is literally saying "you're dead."
Deep Blue Sassafras
You've never left ...
each day
your love
remains.
You're dead.
Which is the point where even the most stout-hearted of poets would crumble up his sheet of parchment and start over from scratch.
Once again, the problem is that there's nothing there. "You're dead." Whoop-de-damn-do.
The use of "chosen myth" in the third line also implies that the speaker doesn't believe in either myth. Therefore his dead lover would be performing neither of the options he's given her (sleeping or wandering). She would simply have ceased to exist.
There are several million better ways to express the thought that "you're dead." Pick one, or drop the stanza altogether.
Post by Will Dockery
But those
deep blue flowers in a box,
the color of your eyes,
the deep blue flowers
I found blooming
in the lumber yard
that I brought to you
that summer morning in 1982,
the flowers
that smelled like sassafras,
like you,
never leave my thoughts
day in, day out.
That's one helluva run-on! What was your "editor" thinking?
"But those deep blue flowers in a box, the color of your eyes, the deep blue flowers I found blooming in the lumber yard that I brought to you that summer morning in 1982, the flowers that smelled like sassafras, like you, never leave my thoughts day in, day out."
You're rambling on ... and only semi-coherently.
For example: you mean to say that the flowers were the color of her eyes, but what you've actually compared them to is the box. It's also unclear whether the girl also "smelled like sassafras" or whether the smell of sassafras never leaves your thoughts.
A set of ellipses or an "em dash" is required to separate the closing line's Johnny Mercer title from your "thoughts" that precede it.
This is the best stanza in your poem -- but that's not much of a compliment. I guess if one runs five of your randomly broken stanzas together (as I've done here), it increases the odds that you might actually have something to say. In this case, the speaker is looking at, or thinking of, some pressed wildflowers that he picked for his lover and claiming (a melodramatic exaggeration, IMHO) that the memory of each never leaves him. I doubt "Bernstein" (in "Citizen Kane") thinks about that girl he glimpsed on the ferry as often as he claims, either, but at least he limits the frequency to once a month (give or take).
Forget-Me-Not
Your love still blooms
in memory --
like deep blue flowers
I picked for you
behind the lumber yard
that Summer day.
To whom it may concern...dump the Canadian dude and hire Michael.....
Chafetz Chayim ha'Yehu'di
2018-08-19 01:36:34 UTC
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Post by BPJ
To whom it may concern...dump the Canadian dude and hire Michael.....
Shalom & Erev tov, George (unlike you) is an artist. FakeJewPsychoLizard is a fraud.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
STEPHAN PICKERING / חפץ ח"ם בן אברהם
Torah אלילה Yehu'di Apikores / Philologia Kabbalistica Speculativa Researcher
לחיות זמן רב ולשגשג...לעולם לא עוד
THE KABBALAH FRACTALS PROJECT
לעולם לא אשכח

IN PROGRESS: Shabtai Zisel benAvraham v'Rachel Riva:
davening in the musematic dark
BPJ
2018-08-19 01:55:22 UTC
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Post by Chafetz Chayim ha'Yehu'di
Post by BPJ
To whom it may concern...dump the Canadian dude and hire Michael.....
Shalom & Erev tov, George (unlike you) is an artist. FakeJewPsychoLizard is a fraud.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
No problem.....but Michael sure has him over looking weak...

Oh..and I could write circles around the North guy.....
ME
2018-08-19 02:00:35 UTC
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Post by Chafetz Chayim ha'Yehu'di
Post by BPJ
To whom it may concern...dump the Canadian dude and hire Michael.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PICK
T
לחיות זמן רב ולשגשג...לעולם לא עוד
TH
לעולם לא א
Pickles, why so irritable? Did you pee your pants again?
Post by Chafetz Chayim ha'Yehu'di
davening in the musematic dark
Zod
2019-01-10 09:43:43 UTC
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Post by Chafetz Chayim ha'Yehu'di
Post by BPJ
To whom it may concern...dump the Canadian dude and hire Michael.....
Shalom & Erev tov, George (unlike you) is an artist. FakeJewPsychoLizard is a fraud.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
STEPHAN PICKERING / חפץ ח"ם בן אברהם
Torah אלילה Yehu'di Apikores / Philologia Kabbalistica Speculativa Researcher
לחיות זמן רב ולשגשג...לעולם לא עוד
THE KABBALAH FRACTALS PROJECT
לעולם לא אשכח
davening in the musematic dark
Seconded...………..
George J. Dance
2018-08-19 13:17:18 UTC
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Post by BPJ
To whom it may concern...dump the Canadian dude and hire Michael.....
Oh, indeed. Will could have a whole book full of stuff like:

Deep Blue Sassafrass (Poesydragon edit)

You've never left ...

each day
your love
remains.

You're dead.
Major Liberty
2018-10-25 21:44:06 UTC
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Post by George J. Dance
Post by BPJ
To whom it may concern...dump the Canadian dude and hire Michael.....
Deep Blue Sassafrass (Poesydragon edit)
You've never left ...
each day
your love
remains.
You're dead.
Funny stuffs......................
Zod
2019-01-22 06:49:07 UTC
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Post by George J. Dance
Post by BPJ
To whom it may concern...dump the Canadian dude and hire Michael.....
Deep Blue Sassafrass (Poesydragon edit)
You've never left ...
each day
your love
remains.
You're dead.
Ha ha ha hah.
George J. Dance
2018-08-20 00:45:25 UTC
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Post by BPJ
To whom it may concern...dump the Canadian dude and hire Michael.....
I'm sure glad I got me one of those kook translators. Let's try it out:

TRANSLATIOM: "Micheal, O Michael, you're so right Michael, and you're my hero, Michael."

OK ...
Michael Pendragon
2018-08-20 01:27:45 UTC
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Post by George J. Dance
Post by BPJ
To whom it may concern...dump the Canadian dude and hire Michael.....
TRANSLATIOM: "Micheal, O Michael, you're so right Michael, and you're my hero, Michael."
OK ...
Your jealousy is unbecoming, Dunce.
Will Dockery
2018-08-20 23:09:48 UTC
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Post by George J. Dance
Post by BPJ
To whom it may concern...dump the Canadian dude and hire Michael.....
TRANSLATIOM: "Micheal, O Michael, you're so right Michael, and you're my hero, Michael."
OK ...
The S.S. = Slurpfest Sampler.

:)
Will Dockery
2019-01-12 12:04:04 UTC
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Post by George J. Dance
Post by BPJ
To whom it may concern...dump the Canadian dude and hire Michael.....
TRANSLATIOM: "Micheal, O Michael, you're so right Michael, and you're my hero, Michael."
OK ...
Bittersweet comedy...
Zod
2019-01-18 00:49:50 UTC
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Post by Will Dockery
Post by George J. Dance
Post by BPJ
To whom it may concern...dump the Canadian dude and hire Michael.....
TRANSLATIOM: "Micheal, O Michael, you're so right Michael, and you're my
hero, Michael."
OK ...
Bittersweet comedy...
Wow...........
George J. Dance
2018-08-19 15:08:36 UTC
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Post by Michael Pendragon
Post by Will Dockery
Deep Blue Sassafras
As another day passes
your love
my love
continues.
One does not capitalize after a colon.
Maybe "one" reader has that rule. But "one" used in that context usually means "everyone," and that's incorrect. Sometimes one capitalizes after a colon, sometimes not: Psycho needs to learn the difference.
Post by Michael Pendragon
There is also no conceivable reason why you should separate the sentence into two pieces by inserting a blank line midway through it.
The different stanzas contain slightly different thoughts: The first says "It's a new day and I find/tell myself you never left" - the second, "your love continues as does mine." The second continues on from the first, but that's no reason to compress them into one.
Post by Michael Pendragon
"Another" is incorrect. The correct word is "each." "Each" denotes constancy: her love continues (to be a part of your life) each day.
Which would be wrong, as that's not the thought the speaker's expressing. (It is the thought the reader is meant to get, but not by spelling it out).
Post by Michael Pendragon
Whereas "another" is tentative. "Another" means "one more." Your love has lasted another day ...
Exactly: the speaker wakes up, and finds the love still there that day.
Post by Michael Pendragon
but it probably won't last for very many more. Since the speaker is informing someone that she'd *never* left, the implication is that she never will: thus, "each" expresses the correct meaning.
Neither of those "implications" is in the poem. The speaker discovers (or tells himself; the poem is deliberately ambiguous) on that day, that "she" and their love are still there; but he has no idea what next month will bring: He's not even thinking about next month; no one is, but "one" wannabe critic.
Post by Michael Pendragon
The opening line, "You never left" is okay if you're Rocky Balboa. It's blunt and coarse -- and not in keeping with the spirit of a poem about lost love and wildflowers.
"You never left" is deliberately ambiguous: It could mean simple denial, or transcendence; it's up to the reader to decide which. Tt's not surprising that Poesydragon, who cannot (under)stand ambiguity, would miss that.

Poesy's suggested "less blunt and coarse" alternative,

You've never left ...

While failing to be any less blunt and coarse, does manage to trash that ambiguity.
Post by Michael Pendragon
The phrase, "your love, my love" is hopelessly cliched. A google search pulls up Poem Hunter poems by people named "Aqua Flower" and "Tiku Akp" -- IOW: it's a phrase used by every amateur poet to come down the pike over the past 500 years.
But, as I'm sure you think it's "catchy," there's no point in arguing you out of it.

Poesydragon's google search managed to miss Nana Mouskouri's song. That's the most obvious allusion (which is probably where "Aqua Flower" et al got it from, too, however unconsciously). The fact that it isn't that obvious at all is a plus: one wants the reader to think of the original just enough to pick up its mood, but not enough to start thinking of it instead of the poem he intended to read.
Post by Michael Pendragon
Further (and this is a personal preference), I find ending the poem's opening line with a colon to be a bit off-putting. Not only does it imply that you were unable to sustain the opening thought beyond three words, but it has the cold, technical feel of a business letter. "Dear Sir or Madam:"
I would replace it with either ellipses and a blank line, or an "em dash" and the same.
Both of those would have the effect of burying the end-word "left" - and it's an important word: This poem is about someone who left (or, in the speaker's reasoning, didn't leave at all).
Post by Michael Pendragon
Deep Blue Sassafras
You've never left ...
as each day passes
your love
continues.
However, this is still unsatisfactory as a poem. "Continues" is usually followed by a word or words explaining just what it continues to do. Apparently your "editor" has no better understanding of verbs/adverbs than you (talk about the blind leading the blind).
Of course it is not a critic's business to decide what your love's love is continuing to do. The stereotypical scenario would be that it continues to grow; whereas your Beat idols would probably say that it continues to stick to the sole of your shoe like discarded chewing gum.
I can't see where her love is doing any specific thing, and would drop "continues" altogether.
I'm sure Poesy isn't the only "one" who's unaware that "continue" can be used as an intransitive verb (meaning "to remain in existence or unchanged"). There's nothing wrong with ignorance, of course; we all start out ignorant about everything. Of course, there is something wrong with an ignorant person flaunting his ignorance as proof of his superior "editing" skills.

The cliched poetic lines expressing this sentiment would be "Your love is with me still," or "Your love still lives in my heart."

Probably why neither of those phrasings is used.
Post by Michael Pendragon
However, since these lines are much too florid for your choppy, two and three beat lines, I would simply go with "remains."
Deep Blue Sassafras
You've never left ...
as each day passes
your love
remains.
"Remains" does get in the idea that the auditor is dead, but in a rather grotesque way. (Ambiguity sometimes works, sometimes doesn't, depending on the various meanings.)

If I were rewriting Will's poem, I'd probably have substituted "endures." But it's not my poem; it's his poem, that I'm editing (not rewriting).
Post by Michael Pendragon
But this still doesn't read correctly. People don't say things like "as each day passes" in real life. That's more poetic posturing -- attempting to make a common thought "poetical" by expressing it in a high-flown manner. It's the sort of poetic pretentiousness common to rank amateurs. "With every passing day" is better, but still far too cliched.
Good, since neither line is in the poem, or is going in (unless Obsesso's insistence does get Poesy the gig :)
Post by Michael Pendragon
Deep Blue Sassafras
You've never left ...
each day
your love
remains.
Well ... it's less horrible. One can't make a silk purse out of sow's ear.
The problem is that there's nothing there to work with. The basic thought "Though you're gone, your love lives on" (to quote Mitchell Parish's lyric to "Deep Purple") is pretty much the theme of every poem about lost love. You need something in your opening stanza to make your poem interesting.
Post by Michael Pendragon
As is, you've got a skeletal outline waiting for someone to add some memorable words.
Once again, the name of the game here is editing, not rewriting.
Post by Michael Pendragon
Post by Will Dockery
You sleep
or you wander,
depending on the chosen myth.
I'm not sure which myth leaves the souls of the departed to wander, but whatever. The third line is just awful. It sounds like you're reading an essay to a class, rather than addressing the spirit of a lost love. The stanza only serves to affirm what was hinted at in the preceding one, and is literally saying "you're dead."
Wrong: it's saying the auditor is gone, but the speaker has no clue where she is or what she's doing.
Post by Michael Pendragon
Deep Blue Sassafras
You've never left ...
each day
your love
remains.
You're dead.
Which is the point where even the most stout-hearted of poets would crumble up his sheet of parchment and start over from scratch.
Once again, the problem is that there's nothing there. "You're dead." Whoop-de-damn-do.
Indeed; as if "remains" (with its strong hint of "you're dead") weren't bad enough, now Poesydragon insists on making that badness explicit. It would be tempting to metaphorically *crumple* up his "critique" at this point, but, in for a penny, in for a pound.
Post by Michael Pendragon
The use of "chosen myth" in the third line also implies that the speaker doesn't believe in either myth. Therefore his dead lover would be performing neither of the options he's given her (sleeping or wandering). She would simply have ceased to exist.
It continues the ambiguity of the previous stanza (is the speaker in a place of denial, or one of transcendence?) "Myth" can mean either religious teaching, or whatever the speaker believes about the auditor; since it's a "chosen" myth, presumably the latter.
Post by Michael Pendragon
There are several million better ways to express the thought that "you're dead." Pick one, or drop the stanza altogether.
Certainly the line "you're dead" is awful, irrespective of source. However, one must consider the source of that line.
Post by Michael Pendragon
Post by Will Dockery
But those
deep blue flowers in a box,
the color of your eyes,
the deep blue flowers
I found blooming
in the lumber yard
that I brought to you
that summer morning in 1982,
the flowers
that smelled like sassafras,
like you,
never leave my thoughts
day in, day out.
That's one helluva run-on! What was your "editor" thinking?
The important point here is: what was the speaker thinking? Here he's just getting isolated thoughts, over a period of time, which culminate in a conclusion (hence the final full stop, and end.)
Post by Michael Pendragon
"But those deep blue flowers in a box, the color of your eyes, the deep blue flowers I found blooming in the lumber yard that I brought to you that summer morning in 1982, the flowers that smelled like sassafras, like you, never leave my thoughts day in, day out."
If this were a prose sentence, I'd probably use a semi-colon after "eyes" and probably dashes after "1982" and "sassafras" - but that stronger punctuation is both unnecessary (as there's a stanza break after each of those words), and counterproductive (the effect would be just to garbage up the piece with punctuation that distracts from the words).
Post by Michael Pendragon
You're rambling on ... and only semi-coherently.
Indeed; I suspect that's normal for people coping with grief/loss. Which is what the speaker is doing. He is not, as Poesydragon would have him do, writing a poem to the absent one, looking for just those perfectly poetical words. If he were, I'd have no empathy for him.
Post by Michael Pendragon
For example: you mean to say that the flowers were the color of her eyes, but what you've actually compared them to is the box.
No; the original (with no comma after "box") did inadvertently compare her eyes to the box, but that's no longer the case.
Post by Michael Pendragon
It's also unclear whether the girl also "smelled like sassafras" or whether the smell of sassafras never leaves your thoughts.
As to the first conjunct: I liked that particular ambiguity in the phrase "like you". The idea that the auditor smelled like sassafrass, too, is obviously a minor connotation - note the stanza break between it and the preceding - but it doesn't hurt that it's there.

As to the second: it's clear that it's "the flowers," not the abstract "smell of sassafras," that never leaves the speaker's thoughts.
Post by Michael Pendragon
A set of ellipses or an "em dash" is required to separate the closing line's Johnny Mercer title from your "thoughts" that precede it.
This is the best stanza in your poem -- but that's not much of a compliment. I guess if one runs five of your randomly broken stanzas together (as I've done here), it increases the odds that you might actually have something to say.
In this case, the speaker is looking at, or thinking of, some pressed wildflowers that he picked for his lover and claiming (a melodramatic exaggeration, IMHO) that the memory of each never leaves him. I doubt "Bernstein" (in "Citizen Kane") thinks about that girl he glimpsed on the ferry as often as he claims, either, but at least he limits the frequency to once a month (give or take).

So the speaker is being melodramatic, and using hyperbole - is that wrong in a state of grief?

The problem is that Poesydragon doesn't see any speaker in a state of grief - all he sees is the author trying to write a poem - and of course he doesn't empathize with that.
Post by Michael Pendragon
Forget-Me-Not
Your love still blooms
in memory --
like deep blue flowers
I picked for you
behind the lumber yard
that Summer day.
And there's where that particular editing ends up: Poesy has managed to turn Will's poem into the opening lines of a pop song (which may even fit the tune of "Deep Purple".

Your love still blooms in memory --
Like deep blue flowers I picked for thee
Behind the lumber yard that Summer day;
But flow'rs shall fade and Summer pass,
And snow come right up to your ass,
And memories will all be swept away.

etc., etc.
Michael Pendragon
2018-08-19 18:23:00 UTC
Reply
Permalink
Post by George J. Dance
Post by Michael Pendragon
Post by Will Dockery
Deep Blue Sassafras
As another day passes
your love
my love
continues.
One does not capitalize after a colon.
Maybe "one" reader has that rule. But "one" used in that context usually means "everyone," and that's incorrect. Sometimes one capitalizes after a colon, sometimes not: Psycho needs to learn the difference.
Post by Michael Pendragon
There is also no conceivable reason why you should separate the sentence into two pieces by inserting a blank line midway through it.
The different stanzas contain slightly different thoughts: The first says "It's a new day and I find/tell myself you never left" - the second, "your love continues as does mine." The second continues on from the first, but that's no reason to compress them into one.
Post by Michael Pendragon
"Another" is incorrect. The correct word is "each." "Each" denotes constancy: her love continues (to be a part of your life) each day.
Which would be wrong, as that's not the thought the speaker's expressing. (It is the thought the reader is meant to get, but not by spelling it out).
Post by Michael Pendragon
Whereas "another" is tentative. "Another" means "one more." Your love has lasted another day ...
Exactly: the speaker wakes up, and finds the love still there that day.
Post by Michael Pendragon
but it probably won't last for very many more. Since the speaker is informing someone that she'd *never* left, the implication is that she never will: thus, "each" expresses the correct meaning.
Neither of those "implications" is in the poem. The speaker discovers (or tells himself; the poem is deliberately ambiguous) on that day, that "she" and their love are still there; but he has no idea what next month will bring: He's not even thinking about next month; no one is, but "one" wannabe critic.
Post by Michael Pendragon
The opening line, "You never left" is okay if you're Rocky Balboa. It's blunt and coarse -- and not in keeping with the spirit of a poem about lost love and wildflowers.
"You never left" is deliberately ambiguous: It could mean simple denial, or transcendence; it's up to the reader to decide which. Tt's not surprising that Poesydragon, who cannot (under)stand ambiguity, would miss that.
Poesy's suggested "less blunt and coarse" alternative,
You've never left ...
While failing to be any less blunt and coarse, does manage to trash that ambiguity.
Post by Michael Pendragon
The phrase, "your love, my love" is hopelessly cliched. A google search pulls up Poem Hunter poems by people named "Aqua Flower" and "Tiku Akp" -- IOW: it's a phrase used by every amateur poet to come down the pike over the past 500 years.
But, as I'm sure you think it's "catchy," there's no point in arguing you out of it.
Poesydragon's google search managed to miss Nana Mouskouri's song. That's the most obvious allusion (which is probably where "Aqua Flower" et al got it from, too, however unconsciously). The fact that it isn't that obvious at all is a plus: one wants the reader to think of the original just enough to pick up its mood, but not enough to start thinking of it instead of the poem he intended to read.
Post by Michael Pendragon
Further (and this is a personal preference), I find ending the poem's opening line with a colon to be a bit off-putting. Not only does it imply that you were unable to sustain the opening thought beyond three words, but it has the cold, technical feel of a business letter. "Dear Sir or Madam:"
I would replace it with either ellipses and a blank line, or an "em dash" and the same.
Both of those would have the effect of burying the end-word "left" - and it's an important word: This poem is about someone who left (or, in the speaker's reasoning, didn't leave at all).
Post by Michael Pendragon
Deep Blue Sassafras
You've never left ...
as each day passes
your love
continues.
However, this is still unsatisfactory as a poem. "Continues" is usually followed by a word or words explaining just what it continues to do. Apparently your "editor" has no better understanding of verbs/adverbs than you (talk about the blind leading the blind).
Of course it is not a critic's business to decide what your love's love is continuing to do. The stereotypical scenario would be that it continues to grow; whereas your Beat idols would probably say that it continues to stick to the sole of your shoe like discarded chewing gum.
I can't see where her love is doing any specific thing, and would drop "continues" altogether.
I'm sure Poesy isn't the only "one" who's unaware that "continue" can be used as an intransitive verb (meaning "to remain in existence or unchanged"). There's nothing wrong with ignorance, of course; we all start out ignorant about everything. Of course, there is something wrong with an ignorant person flaunting his ignorance as proof of his superior "editing" skills.
The cliched poetic lines expressing this sentiment would be "Your love is with me still," or "Your love still lives in my heart."
Probably why neither of those phrasings is used.
Post by Michael Pendragon
However, since these lines are much too florid for your choppy, two and three beat lines, I would simply go with "remains."
Deep Blue Sassafras
You've never left ...
as each day passes
your love
remains.
"Remains" does get in the idea that the auditor is dead, but in a rather grotesque way. (Ambiguity sometimes works, sometimes doesn't, depending on the various meanings.)
If I were rewriting Will's poem, I'd probably have substituted "endures." But it's not my poem; it's his poem, that I'm editing (not rewriting).
Post by Michael Pendragon
But this still doesn't read correctly. People don't say things like "as each day passes" in real life. That's more poetic posturing -- attempting to make a common thought "poetical" by expressing it in a high-flown manner. It's the sort of poetic pretentiousness common to rank amateurs. "With every passing day" is better, but still far too cliched.
Good, since neither line is in the poem, or is going in (unless Obsesso's insistence does get Poesy the gig :)
Post by Michael Pendragon
Deep Blue Sassafras
You've never left ...
each day
your love
remains.
Well ... it's less horrible. One can't make a silk purse out of sow's ear.
The problem is that there's nothing there to work with. The basic thought "Though you're gone, your love lives on" (to quote Mitchell Parish's lyric to "Deep Purple") is pretty much the theme of every poem about lost love. You need something in your opening stanza to make your poem interesting.
Post by Michael Pendragon
As is, you've got a skeletal outline waiting for someone to add some memorable words.
Once again, the name of the game here is editing, not rewriting.
Post by Michael Pendragon
Post by Will Dockery
You sleep
or you wander,
depending on the chosen myth.
I'm not sure which myth leaves the souls of the departed to wander, but whatever. The third line is just awful. It sounds like you're reading an essay to a class, rather than addressing the spirit of a lost love. The stanza only serves to affirm what was hinted at in the preceding one, and is literally saying "you're dead."
Wrong: it's saying the auditor is gone, but the speaker has no clue where she is or what she's doing.
Post by Michael Pendragon
Deep Blue Sassafras
You've never left ...
each day
your love
remains.
You're dead.
Which is the point where even the most stout-hearted of poets would crumble up his sheet of parchment and start over from scratch.
Once again, the problem is that there's nothing there. "You're dead." Whoop-de-damn-do.
Indeed; as if "remains" (with its strong hint of "you're dead") weren't bad enough, now Poesydragon insists on making that badness explicit. It would be tempting to metaphorically *crumple* up his "critique" at this point, but, in for a penny, in for a pound.
Post by Michael Pendragon
The use of "chosen myth" in the third line also implies that the speaker doesn't believe in either myth. Therefore his dead lover would be performing neither of the options he's given her (sleeping or wandering). She would simply have ceased to exist.
It continues the ambiguity of the previous stanza (is the speaker in a place of denial, or one of transcendence?) "Myth" can mean either religious teaching, or whatever the speaker believes about the auditor; since it's a "chosen" myth, presumably the latter.
Post by Michael Pendragon
There are several million better ways to express the thought that "you're dead." Pick one, or drop the stanza altogether.
Certainly the line "you're dead" is awful, irrespective of source. However, one must consider the source of that line.
Post by Michael Pendragon
Post by Will Dockery
But those
deep blue flowers in a box,
the color of your eyes,
the deep blue flowers
I found blooming
in the lumber yard
that I brought to you
that summer morning in 1982,
the flowers
that smelled like sassafras,
like you,
never leave my thoughts
day in, day out.
That's one helluva run-on! What was your "editor" thinking?
The important point here is: what was the speaker thinking? Here he's just getting isolated thoughts, over a period of time, which culminate in a conclusion (hence the final full stop, and end.)
Post by Michael Pendragon
"But those deep blue flowers in a box, the color of your eyes, the deep blue flowers I found blooming in the lumber yard that I brought to you that summer morning in 1982, the flowers that smelled like sassafras, like you, never leave my thoughts day in, day out."
If this were a prose sentence, I'd probably use a semi-colon after "eyes" and probably dashes after "1982" and "sassafras" - but that stronger punctuation is both unnecessary (as there's a stanza break after each of those words), and counterproductive (the effect would be just to garbage up the piece with punctuation that distracts from the words).
Post by Michael Pendragon
You're rambling on ... and only semi-coherently.
Indeed; I suspect that's normal for people coping with grief/loss. Which is what the speaker is doing. He is not, as Poesydragon would have him do, writing a poem to the absent one, looking for just those perfectly poetical words. If he were, I'd have no empathy for him.
Post by Michael Pendragon
For example: you mean to say that the flowers were the color of her eyes, but what you've actually compared them to is the box.
No; the original (with no comma after "box") did inadvertently compare her eyes to the box, but that's no longer the case.
Post by Michael Pendragon
It's also unclear whether the girl also "smelled like sassafras" or whether the smell of sassafras never leaves your thoughts.
As to the first conjunct: I liked that particular ambiguity in the phrase "like you". The idea that the auditor smelled like sassafrass, too, is obviously a minor connotation - note the stanza break between it and the preceding - but it doesn't hurt that it's there.
As to the second: it's clear that it's "the flowers," not the abstract "smell of sassafras," that never leaves the speaker's thoughts.
Post by Michael Pendragon
A set of ellipses or an "em dash" is required to separate the closing line's Johnny Mercer title from your "thoughts" that precede it.
This is the best stanza in your poem -- but that's not much of a compliment. I guess if one runs five of your randomly broken stanzas together (as I've done here), it increases the odds that you might actually have something to say.
In this case, the speaker is looking at, or thinking of, some pressed wildflowers that he picked for his lover and claiming (a melodramatic exaggeration, IMHO) that the memory of each never leaves him. I doubt "Bernstein" (in "Citizen Kane") thinks about that girl he glimpsed on the ferry as often as he claims, either, but at least he limits the frequency to once a month (give or take).
So the speaker is being melodramatic, and using hyperbole - is that wrong in a state of grief?
The problem is that Poesydragon doesn't see any speaker in a state of grief - all he sees is the author trying to write a poem - and of course he doesn't empathize with that.
Post by Michael Pendragon
Forget-Me-Not
Your love still blooms
in memory --
like deep blue flowers
I picked for you
behind the lumber yard
that Summer day.
And there's where that particular editing ends up: Poesy has managed to turn Will's poem into the opening lines of a pop song (which may even fit the tune of "Deep Purple".
Your love still blooms in memory --
Like deep blue flowers I picked for thee
Behind the lumber yard that Summer day;
But flow'rs shall fade and Summer pass,
And snow come right up to your ass,
And memories will all be swept away.
etc., etc.
Sounds like poor old North George got his feelings hurt.
BPJ
2018-08-19 18:43:08 UTC
Reply
Permalink
Post by Michael Pendragon
Post by George J. Dance
Post by Michael Pendragon
Post by Will Dockery
Deep Blue Sassafras
As another day passes
your love
my love
continues.
One does not capitalize after a colon.
Maybe "one" reader has that rule. But "one" used in that context usually means "everyone," and that's incorrect. Sometimes one capitalizes after a colon, sometimes not: Psycho needs to learn the difference.
Post by Michael Pendragon
There is also no conceivable reason why you should separate the sentence into two pieces by inserting a blank line midway through it.
The different stanzas contain slightly different thoughts: The first says "It's a new day and I find/tell myself you never left" - the second, "your love continues as does mine." The second continues on from the first, but that's no reason to compress them into one.
Post by Michael Pendragon
"Another" is incorrect. The correct word is "each." "Each" denotes constancy: her love continues (to be a part of your life) each day.
Which would be wrong, as that's not the thought the speaker's expressing. (It is the thought the reader is meant to get, but not by spelling it out).
Post by Michael Pendragon
Whereas "another" is tentative. "Another" means "one more." Your love has lasted another day ...
Exactly: the speaker wakes up, and finds the love still there that day.
Post by Michael Pendragon
but it probably won't last for very many more. Since the speaker is informing someone that she'd *never* left, the implication is that she never will: thus, "each" expresses the correct meaning.
Neither of those "implications" is in the poem. The speaker discovers (or tells himself; the poem is deliberately ambiguous) on that day, that "she" and their love are still there; but he has no idea what next month will bring: He's not even thinking about next month; no one is, but "one" wannabe critic.
Post by Michael Pendragon
The opening line, "You never left" is okay if you're Rocky Balboa. It's blunt and coarse -- and not in keeping with the spirit of a poem about lost love and wildflowers.
"You never left" is deliberately ambiguous: It could mean simple denial, or transcendence; it's up to the reader to decide which. Tt's not surprising that Poesydragon, who cannot (under)stand ambiguity, would miss that.
Poesy's suggested "less blunt and coarse" alternative,
You've never left ...
While failing to be any less blunt and coarse, does manage to trash that ambiguity.
Post by Michael Pendragon
The phrase, "your love, my love" is hopelessly cliched. A google search pulls up Poem Hunter poems by people named "Aqua Flower" and "Tiku Akp" -- IOW: it's a phrase used by every amateur poet to come down the pike over the past 500 years.
But, as I'm sure you think it's "catchy," there's no point in arguing you out of it.
Poesydragon's google search managed to miss Nana Mouskouri's song. That's the most obvious allusion (which is probably where "Aqua Flower" et al got it from, too, however unconsciously). The fact that it isn't that obvious at all is a plus: one wants the reader to think of the original just enough to pick up its mood, but not enough to start thinking of it instead of the poem he intended to read.
Post by Michael Pendragon
Further (and this is a personal preference), I find ending the poem's opening line with a colon to be a bit off-putting. Not only does it imply that you were unable to sustain the opening thought beyond three words, but it has the cold, technical feel of a business letter. "Dear Sir or Madam:"
I would replace it with either ellipses and a blank line, or an "em dash" and the same.
Both of those would have the effect of burying the end-word "left" - and it's an important word: This poem is about someone who left (or, in the speaker's reasoning, didn't leave at all).
Post by Michael Pendragon
Deep Blue Sassafras
You've never left ...
as each day passes
your love
continues.
However, this is still unsatisfactory as a poem. "Continues" is usually followed by a word or words explaining just what it continues to do. Apparently your "editor" has no better understanding of verbs/adverbs than you (talk about the blind leading the blind).
Of course it is not a critic's business to decide what your love's love is continuing to do. The stereotypical scenario would be that it continues to grow; whereas your Beat idols would probably say that it continues to stick to the sole of your shoe like discarded chewing gum.
I can't see where her love is doing any specific thing, and would drop "continues" altogether.
I'm sure Poesy isn't the only "one" who's unaware that "continue" can be used as an intransitive verb (meaning "to remain in existence or unchanged"). There's nothing wrong with ignorance, of course; we all start out ignorant about everything. Of course, there is something wrong with an ignorant person flaunting his ignorance as proof of his superior "editing" skills.
The cliched poetic lines expressing this sentiment would be "Your love is with me still," or "Your love still lives in my heart."
Probably why neither of those phrasings is used.
Post by Michael Pendragon
However, since these lines are much too florid for your choppy, two and three beat lines, I would simply go with "remains."
Deep Blue Sassafras
You've never left ...
as each day passes
your love
remains.
"Remains" does get in the idea that the auditor is dead, but in a rather grotesque way. (Ambiguity sometimes works, sometimes doesn't, depending on the various meanings.)
If I were rewriting Will's poem, I'd probably have substituted "endures." But it's not my poem; it's his poem, that I'm editing (not rewriting).
Post by Michael Pendragon
But this still doesn't read correctly. People don't say things like "as each day passes" in real life. That's more poetic posturing -- attempting to make a common thought "poetical" by expressing it in a high-flown manner. It's the sort of poetic pretentiousness common to rank amateurs. "With every passing day" is better, but still far too cliched.
Good, since neither line is in the poem, or is going in (unless Obsesso's insistence does get Poesy the gig :)
Post by Michael Pendragon
Deep Blue Sassafras
You've never left ...
each day
your love
remains.
Well ... it's less horrible. One can't make a silk purse out of sow's ear.
The problem is that there's nothing there to work with. The basic thought "Though you're gone, your love lives on" (to quote Mitchell Parish's lyric to "Deep Purple") is pretty much the theme of every poem about lost love. You need something in your opening stanza to make your poem interesting.
Post by Michael Pendragon
As is, you've got a skeletal outline waiting for someone to add some memorable words.
Once again, the name of the game here is editing, not rewriting.
Post by Michael Pendragon
Post by Will Dockery
You sleep
or you wander,
depending on the chosen myth.
I'm not sure which myth leaves the souls of the departed to wander, but whatever. The third line is just awful. It sounds like you're reading an essay to a class, rather than addressing the spirit of a lost love. The stanza only serves to affirm what was hinted at in the preceding one, and is literally saying "you're dead."
Wrong: it's saying the auditor is gone, but the speaker has no clue where she is or what she's doing.
Post by Michael Pendragon
Deep Blue Sassafras
You've never left ...
each day
your love
remains.
You're dead.
Which is the point where even the most stout-hearted of poets would crumble up his sheet of parchment and start over from scratch.
Once again, the problem is that there's nothing there. "You're dead." Whoop-de-damn-do.
Indeed; as if "remains" (with its strong hint of "you're dead") weren't bad enough, now Poesydragon insists on making that badness explicit. It would be tempting to metaphorically *crumple* up his "critique" at this point, but, in for a penny, in for a pound.
Post by Michael Pendragon
The use of "chosen myth" in the third line also implies that the speaker doesn't believe in either myth. Therefore his dead lover would be performing neither of the options he's given her (sleeping or wandering). She would simply have ceased to exist.
It continues the ambiguity of the previous stanza (is the speaker in a place of denial, or one of transcendence?) "Myth" can mean either religious teaching, or whatever the speaker believes about the auditor; since it's a "chosen" myth, presumably the latter.
Post by Michael Pendragon
There are several million better ways to express the thought that "you're dead." Pick one, or drop the stanza altogether.
Certainly the line "you're dead" is awful, irrespective of source. However, one must consider the source of that line.
Post by Michael Pendragon
Post by Will Dockery
But those
deep blue flowers in a box,
the color of your eyes,
the deep blue flowers
I found blooming
in the lumber yard
that I brought to you
that summer morning in 1982,
the flowers
that smelled like sassafras,
like you,
never leave my thoughts
day in, day out.
That's one helluva run-on! What was your "editor" thinking?
The important point here is: what was the speaker thinking? Here he's just getting isolated thoughts, over a period of time, which culminate in a conclusion (hence the final full stop, and end.)
Post by Michael Pendragon
"But those deep blue flowers in a box, the color of your eyes, the deep blue flowers I found blooming in the lumber yard that I brought to you that summer morning in 1982, the flowers that smelled like sassafras, like you, never leave my thoughts day in, day out."
If this were a prose sentence, I'd probably use a semi-colon after "eyes" and probably dashes after "1982" and "sassafras" - but that stronger punctuation is both unnecessary (as there's a stanza break after each of those words), and counterproductive (the effect would be just to garbage up the piece with punctuation that distracts from the words).
Post by Michael Pendragon
You're rambling on ... and only semi-coherently.
Indeed; I suspect that's normal for people coping with grief/loss. Which is what the speaker is doing. He is not, as Poesydragon would have him do, writing a poem to the absent one, looking for just those perfectly poetical words. If he were, I'd have no empathy for him.
Post by Michael Pendragon
For example: you mean to say that the flowers were the color of her eyes, but what you've actually compared them to is the box.
No; the original (with no comma after "box") did inadvertently compare her eyes to the box, but that's no longer the case.
Post by Michael Pendragon
It's also unclear whether the girl also "smelled like sassafras" or whether the smell of sassafras never leaves your thoughts.
As to the first conjunct: I liked that particular ambiguity in the phrase "like you". The idea that the auditor smelled like sassafrass, too, is obviously a minor connotation - note the stanza break between it and the preceding - but it doesn't hurt that it's there.
As to the second: it's clear that it's "the flowers," not the abstract "smell of sassafras," that never leaves the speaker's thoughts.
Post by Michael Pendragon
A set of ellipses or an "em dash" is required to separate the closing line's Johnny Mercer title from your "thoughts" that precede it.
This is the best stanza in your poem -- but that's not much of a compliment. I guess if one runs five of your randomly broken stanzas together (as I've done here), it increases the odds that you might actually have something to say.
In this case, the speaker is looking at, or thinking of, some pressed wildflowers that he picked for his lover and claiming (a melodramatic exaggeration, IMHO) that the memory of each never leaves him. I doubt "Bernstein" (in "Citizen Kane") thinks about that girl he glimpsed on the ferry as often as he claims, either, but at least he limits the frequency to once a month (give or take).
So the speaker is being melodramatic, and using hyperbole - is that wrong in a state of grief?
The problem is that Poesydragon doesn't see any speaker in a state of grief - all he sees is the author trying to write a poem - and of course he doesn't empathize with that.
Post by Michael Pendragon
Forget-Me-Not
Your love still blooms
in memory --
like deep blue flowers
I picked for you
behind the lumber yard
that Summer day.
And there's where that particular editing ends up: Poesy has managed to turn Will's poem into the opening lines of a pop song (which may even fit the tune of "Deep Purple".
Your love still blooms in memory --
Like deep blue flowers I picked for thee
Behind the lumber yard that Summer day;
But flow'rs shall fade and Summer pass,
And snow come right up to your ass,
And memories will all be swept away.
etc., etc.
Sounds like poor old North George got his feelings hurt.
sho nuff

failed politician runs deep.
George J. Dance
2018-08-20 00:47:11 UTC
Reply
Permalink
Post by BPJ
Post by Michael Pendragon
Sounds like poor old North George got his feelings hurt.
sho nuff
Hmm ... let's try that kook translator again:

TRANSLATIOM: "Micheal, O Michael, you're so right Michael, and you're my hero, Michael."

Hmmm ... either it's broken, or it's working perfectly.
BPJ
2018-08-20 00:50:05 UTC
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Post by George J. Dance
Post by BPJ
Post by Michael Pendragon
Sounds like poor old North George got his feelings hurt.
sho nuff
TRANSLATIOM: "Micheal, O Michael, you're so right Michael, and you're my hero, Michael."
Hmmm ... either it's broken, or it's working perfectly.
What a fucking dud.
Will Dockery
2018-08-21 05:25:02 UTC
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Post by BPJ
Post by George J. Dance
Post by BPJ
Post by Michael Pendragon
Sounds like poor old North George got his feelings hurt.
sho nuff
TRANSLATIOM: "Micheal, O Michael, you're so right Michael, and you're my hero, Michael."
Hmmm ... either it's broken, or it's working perfectly.
What a fucking dud.
Nailed it, actually.

😀
Will Dockery
2018-08-27 22:02:15 UTC
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Permalink
Post by George J. Dance
Post by Michael Pendragon
Post by Will Dockery
Deep Blue Sassafras
As another day passes
your love
my love
continues.
One does not capitalize after a colon.
Maybe "one" reader has that rule. But "one" used in that context usually means "everyone," and that's incorrect. Sometimes one capitalizes after a colon, sometimes not: Psycho needs to learn the difference.
Post by Michael Pendragon
There is also no conceivable reason why you should separate the sentence into two pieces by inserting a blank line midway through it.
The different stanzas contain slightly different thoughts: The first says "It's a new day and I find/tell myself you never left" - the second, "your love continues as does mine." The second continues on from the first, but that's no reason to compress them into one.
Post by Michael Pendragon
"Another" is incorrect. The correct word is "each." "Each" denotes constancy: her love continues (to be a part of your life) each day.
Which would be wrong, as that's not the thought the speaker's expressing. (It is the thought the reader is meant to get, but not by spelling it out).
Post by Michael Pendragon
Whereas "another" is tentative. "Another" means "one more." Your love has lasted another day ...
Exactly: the speaker wakes up, and finds the love still there that day.
Post by Michael Pendragon
but it probably won't last for very many more. Since the speaker is informing someone that she'd *never* left, the implication is that she never will: thus, "each" expresses the correct meaning.
Neither of those "implications" is in the poem. The speaker discovers (or tells himself; the poem is deliberately ambiguous) on that day, that "she" and their love are still there; but he has no idea what next month will bring: He's not even thinking about next month; no one is, but "one" wannabe critic.
Post by Michael Pendragon
The opening line, "You never left" is okay if you're Rocky Balboa. It's blunt and coarse -- and not in keeping with the spirit of a poem about lost love and wildflowers.
"You never left" is deliberately ambiguous: It could mean simple denial, or transcendence; it's up to the reader to decide which. Tt's not surprising that Poesydragon, who cannot (under)stand ambiguity, would miss that.
Poesy's suggested "less blunt and coarse" alternative,
You've never left ...
While failing to be any less blunt and coarse, does manage to trash that ambiguity.
Post by Michael Pendragon
The phrase, "your love, my love" is hopelessly cliched. A google search pulls up Poem Hunter poems by people named "Aqua Flower" and "Tiku Akp" -- IOW: it's a phrase used by every amateur poet to come down the pike over the past 500 years.
But, as I'm sure you think it's "catchy," there's no point in arguing you out of it.
Poesydragon's google search managed to miss Nana Mouskouri's song. That's the most obvious allusion (which is probably where "Aqua Flower" et al got it from, too, however unconsciously). The fact that it isn't that obvious at all is a plus: one wants the reader to think of the original just enough to pick up its mood, but not enough to start thinking of it instead of the poem he intended to read.
Post by Michael Pendragon
Further (and this is a personal preference), I find ending the poem's opening line with a colon to be a bit off-putting. Not only does it imply that you were unable to sustain the opening thought beyond three words, but it has the cold, technical feel of a business letter. "Dear Sir or Madam:"
I would replace it with either ellipses and a blank line, or an "em dash" and the same.
Both of those would have the effect of burying the end-word "left" - and it's an important word: This poem is about someone who left (or, in the speaker's reasoning, didn't leave at all).
Post by Michael Pendragon
Deep Blue Sassafras
You've never left ...
as each day passes
your love
continues.
However, this is still unsatisfactory as a poem. "Continues" is usually followed by a word or words explaining just what it continues to do. Apparently your "editor" has no better understanding of verbs/adverbs than you (talk about the blind leading the blind).
Of course it is not a critic's business to decide what your love's love is continuing to do. The stereotypical scenario would be that it continues to grow; whereas your Beat idols would probably say that it continues to stick to the sole of your shoe like discarded chewing gum.
I can't see where her love is doing any specific thing, and would drop "continues" altogether.
I'm sure Poesy isn't the only "one" who's unaware that "continue" can be used as an intransitive verb (meaning "to remain in existence or unchanged"). There's nothing wrong with ignorance, of course; we all start out ignorant about everything. Of course, there is something wrong with an ignorant person flaunting his ignorance as proof of his superior "editing" skills.
The cliched poetic lines expressing this sentiment would be "Your love is with me still," or "Your love still lives in my heart."
Probably why neither of those phrasings is used.
Post by Michael Pendragon
However, since these lines are much too florid for your choppy, two and three beat lines, I would simply go with "remains."
Deep Blue Sassafras
You've never left ...
as each day passes
your love
remains.
"Remains" does get in the idea that the auditor is dead, but in a rather grotesque way. (Ambiguity sometimes works, sometimes doesn't, depending on the various meanings.)
If I were rewriting Will's poem, I'd probably have substituted "endures." But it's not my poem; it's his poem, that I'm editing (not rewriting).
Post by Michael Pendragon
But this still doesn't read correctly. People don't say things like "as each day passes" in real life. That's more poetic posturing -- attempting to make a common thought "poetical" by expressing it in a high-flown manner. It's the sort of poetic pretentiousness common to rank amateurs. "With every passing day" is better, but still far too cliched.
Good, since neither line is in the poem, or is going in (unless Obsesso's insistence does get Poesy the gig :)
Post by Michael Pendragon
Deep Blue Sassafras
You've never left ...
each day
your love
remains.
Well ... it's less horrible. One can't make a silk purse out of sow's ear.
The problem is that there's nothing there to work with. The basic thought "Though you're gone, your love lives on" (to quote Mitchell Parish's lyric to "Deep Purple") is pretty much the theme of every poem about lost love. You need something in your opening stanza to make your poem interesting.
Post by Michael Pendragon
As is, you've got a skeletal outline waiting for someone to add some memorable words.
Once again, the name of the game here is editing, not rewriting.
Post by Michael Pendragon
Post by Will Dockery
You sleep
or you wander,
depending on the chosen myth.
I'm not sure which myth leaves the souls of the departed to wander, but whatever. The third line is just awful. It sounds like you're reading an essay to a class, rather than addressing the spirit of a lost love. The stanza only serves to affirm what was hinted at in the preceding one, and is literally saying "you're dead."
Wrong: it's saying the auditor is gone, but the speaker has no clue where she is or what she's doing.
Post by Michael Pendragon
Deep Blue Sassafras
You've never left ...
each day
your love
remains.
You're dead.
Which is the point where even the most stout-hearted of poets would crumble up his sheet of parchment and start over from scratch.
Once again, the problem is that there's nothing there. "You're dead." Whoop-de-damn-do.
Indeed; as if "remains" (with its strong hint of "you're dead") weren't bad enough, now Poesydragon insists on making that badness explicit. It would be tempting to metaphorically *crumple* up his "critique" at this point, but, in for a penny, in for a pound.
Post by Michael Pendragon
The use of "chosen myth" in the third line also implies that the speaker doesn't believe in either myth. Therefore his dead lover would be performing neither of the options he's given her (sleeping or wandering). She would simply have ceased to exist.
It continues the ambiguity of the previous stanza (is the speaker in a place of denial, or one of transcendence?) "Myth" can mean either religious teaching, or whatever the speaker believes about the auditor; since it's a "chosen" myth, presumably the latter.
Post by Michael Pendragon
There are several million better ways to express the thought that "you're dead." Pick one, or drop the stanza altogether.
Certainly the line "you're dead" is awful, irrespective of source. However, one must consider the source of that line.
Post by Michael Pendragon
Post by Will Dockery
But those
deep blue flowers in a box,
the color of your eyes,
the deep blue flowers
I found blooming
in the lumber yard
that I brought to you
that summer morning in 1982,
the flowers
that smelled like sassafras,
like you,
never leave my thoughts
day in, day out.
That's one helluva run-on! What was your "editor" thinking?
The important point here is: what was the speaker thinking? Here he's just getting isolated thoughts, over a period of time, which culminate in a conclusion (hence the final full stop, and end.)
Post by Michael Pendragon
"But those deep blue flowers in a box, the color of your eyes, the deep blue flowers I found blooming in the lumber yard that I brought to you that summer morning in 1982, the flowers that smelled like sassafras, like you, never leave my thoughts day in, day out."
If this were a prose sentence, I'd probably use a semi-colon after "eyes" and probably dashes after "1982" and "sassafras" - but that stronger punctuation is both unnecessary (as there's a stanza break after each of those words), and counterproductive (the effect would be just to garbage up the piece with punctuation that distracts from the words).
Post by Michael Pendragon
You're rambling on ... and only semi-coherently.
Indeed; I suspect that's normal for people coping with grief/loss. Which is what the speaker is doing. He is not, as Poesydragon would have him do, writing a poem to the absent one, looking for just those perfectly poetical words. If he were, I'd have no empathy for him.
Post by Michael Pendragon
For example: you mean to say that the flowers were the color of her eyes, but what you've actually compared them to is the box.
No; the original (with no comma after "box") did inadvertently compare her eyes to the box, but that's no longer the case.
Post by Michael Pendragon
It's also unclear whether the girl also "smelled like sassafras" or whether the smell of sassafras never leaves your thoughts.
As to the first conjunct: I liked that particular ambiguity in the phrase "like you". The idea that the auditor smelled like sassafrass, too, is obviously a minor connotation - note the stanza break between it and the preceding - but it doesn't hurt that it's there.
As to the second: it's clear that it's "the flowers," not the abstract "smell of sassafras," that never leaves the speaker's thoughts.
Post by Michael Pendragon
A set of ellipses or an "em dash" is required to separate the closing line's Johnny Mercer title from your "thoughts" that precede it.
This is the best stanza in your poem -- but that's not much of a compliment. I guess if one runs five of your randomly broken stanzas together (as I've done here), it increases the odds that you might actually have something to say.
In this case, the speaker is looking at, or thinking of, some pressed wildflowers that he picked for his lover and claiming (a melodramatic exaggeration, IMHO) that the memory of each never leaves him. I doubt "Bernstein" (in "Citizen Kane") thinks about that girl he glimpsed on the ferry as often as he claims, either, but at least he limits the frequency to once a month (give or take).
So the speaker is being melodramatic, and using hyperbole - is that wrong in a state of grief?
The problem is that Poesydragon doesn't see any speaker in a state of grief - all he sees is the author trying to write a poem - and of course he doesn't empathize with that.
Post by Michael Pendragon
Forget-Me-Not
Your love still blooms
in memory --
like deep blue flowers
I picked for you
behind the lumber yard
that Summer day.
And there's where that particular editing ends up: Poesy has managed to turn Will's poem into the opening lines of a pop song (which may even fit the tune of "Deep Purple".
Your love still blooms in memory --
Like deep blue flowers I picked for thee
Behind the lumber yard that Summer day;
But flow'rs shall fade and Summer pass,
And snow come right up to your ass,
And memories will all be swept away.
etc., etc.
Thanks again, George, and thanks for proving my choice for you as editor was an audacious one.

As you know, Stephan has turned in his introduction, once again a good choice... still waiting on an art submission from Zod.
Michael Pendragon
2018-08-28 01:10:02 UTC
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Post by Will Dockery
Post by George J. Dance
Post by Michael Pendragon
Post by Will Dockery
Deep Blue Sassafras
As another day passes
your love
my love
continues.
One does not capitalize after a colon.
Maybe "one" reader has that rule. But "one" used in that context usually means "everyone," and that's incorrect. Sometimes one capitalizes after a colon, sometimes not: Psycho needs to learn the difference.
Post by Michael Pendragon
There is also no conceivable reason why you should separate the sentence into two pieces by inserting a blank line midway through it.
The different stanzas contain slightly different thoughts: The first says "It's a new day and I find/tell myself you never left" - the second, "your love continues as does mine." The second continues on from the first, but that's no reason to compress them into one.
Post by Michael Pendragon
"Another" is incorrect. The correct word is "each." "Each" denotes constancy: her love continues (to be a part of your life) each day.
Which would be wrong, as that's not the thought the speaker's expressing. (It is the thought the reader is meant to get, but not by spelling it out).
Post by Michael Pendragon
Whereas "another" is tentative. "Another" means "one more." Your love has lasted another day ...
Exactly: the speaker wakes up, and finds the love still there that day.
Post by Michael Pendragon
but it probably won't last for very many more. Since the speaker is informing someone that she'd *never* left, the implication is that she never will: thus, "each" expresses the correct meaning.
Neither of those "implications" is in the poem. The speaker discovers (or tells himself; the poem is deliberately ambiguous) on that day, that "she" and their love are still there; but he has no idea what next month will bring: He's not even thinking about next month; no one is, but "one" wannabe critic.
Post by Michael Pendragon
The opening line, "You never left" is okay if you're Rocky Balboa. It's blunt and coarse -- and not in keeping with the spirit of a poem about lost love and wildflowers.
"You never left" is deliberately ambiguous: It could mean simple denial, or transcendence; it's up to the reader to decide which. Tt's not surprising that Poesydragon, who cannot (under)stand ambiguity, would miss that.
Poesy's suggested "less blunt and coarse" alternative,
You've never left ...
While failing to be any less blunt and coarse, does manage to trash that ambiguity.
Post by Michael Pendragon
The phrase, "your love, my love" is hopelessly cliched. A google search pulls up Poem Hunter poems by people named "Aqua Flower" and "Tiku Akp" -- IOW: it's a phrase used by every amateur poet to come down the pike over the past 500 years.
But, as I'm sure you think it's "catchy," there's no point in arguing you out of it.
Poesydragon's google search managed to miss Nana Mouskouri's song. That's the most obvious allusion (which is probably where "Aqua Flower" et al got it from, too, however unconsciously). The fact that it isn't that obvious at all is a plus: one wants the reader to think of the original just enough to pick up its mood, but not enough to start thinking of it instead of the poem he intended to read.
Post by Michael Pendragon
Further (and this is a personal preference), I find ending the poem's opening line with a colon to be a bit off-putting. Not only does it imply that you were unable to sustain the opening thought beyond three words, but it has the cold, technical feel of a business letter. "Dear Sir or Madam:"
I would replace it with either ellipses and a blank line, or an "em dash" and the same.
Both of those would have the effect of burying the end-word "left" - and it's an important word: This poem is about someone who left (or, in the speaker's reasoning, didn't leave at all).
Post by Michael Pendragon
Deep Blue Sassafras
You've never left ...
as each day passes
your love
continues.
However, this is still unsatisfactory as a poem. "Continues" is usually followed by a word or words explaining just what it continues to do. Apparently your "editor" has no better understanding of verbs/adverbs than you (talk about the blind leading the blind).
Of course it is not a critic's business to decide what your love's love is continuing to do. The stereotypical scenario would be that it continues to grow; whereas your Beat idols would probably say that it continues to stick to the sole of your shoe like discarded chewing gum.
I can't see where her love is doing any specific thing, and would drop "continues" altogether.
I'm sure Poesy isn't the only "one" who's unaware that "continue" can be used as an intransitive verb (meaning "to remain in existence or unchanged"). There's nothing wrong with ignorance, of course; we all start out ignorant about everything. Of course, there is something wrong with an ignorant person flaunting his ignorance as proof of his superior "editing" skills.
The cliched poetic lines expressing this sentiment would be "Your love is with me still," or "Your love still lives in my heart."
Probably why neither of those phrasings is used.
Post by Michael Pendragon
However, since these lines are much too florid for your choppy, two and three beat lines, I would simply go with "remains."
Deep Blue Sassafras
You've never left ...
as each day passes
your love
remains.
"Remains" does get in the idea that the auditor is dead, but in a rather grotesque way. (Ambiguity sometimes works, sometimes doesn't, depending on the various meanings.)
If I were rewriting Will's poem, I'd probably have substituted "endures." But it's not my poem; it's his poem, that I'm editing (not rewriting).
Post by Michael Pendragon
But this still doesn't read correctly. People don't say things like "as each day passes" in real life. That's more poetic posturing -- attempting to make a common thought "poetical" by expressing it in a high-flown manner. It's the sort of poetic pretentiousness common to rank amateurs. "With every passing day" is better, but still far too cliched.
Good, since neither line is in the poem, or is going in (unless Obsesso's insistence does get Poesy the gig :)
Post by Michael Pendragon
Deep Blue Sassafras
You've never left ...
each day
your love
remains.
Well ... it's less horrible. One can't make a silk purse out of sow's ear.
The problem is that there's nothing there to work with. The basic thought "Though you're gone, your love lives on" (to quote Mitchell Parish's lyric to "Deep Purple") is pretty much the theme of every poem about lost love. You need something in your opening stanza to make your poem interesting.
Post by Michael Pendragon
As is, you've got a skeletal outline waiting for someone to add some memorable words.
Once again, the name of the game here is editing, not rewriting.
Post by Michael Pendragon
Post by Will Dockery
You sleep
or you wander,
depending on the chosen myth.
I'm not sure which myth leaves the souls of the departed to wander, but whatever. The third line is just awful. It sounds like you're reading an essay to a class, rather than addressing the spirit of a lost love. The stanza only serves to affirm what was hinted at in the preceding one, and is literally saying "you're dead."
Wrong: it's saying the auditor is gone, but the speaker has no clue where she is or what she's doing.
Post by Michael Pendragon
Deep Blue Sassafras
You've never left ...
each day
your love
remains.
You're dead.
Which is the point where even the most stout-hearted of poets would crumble up his sheet of parchment and start over from scratch.
Once again, the problem is that there's nothing there. "You're dead." Whoop-de-damn-do.
Indeed; as if "remains" (with its strong hint of "you're dead") weren't bad enough, now Poesydragon insists on making that badness explicit. It would be tempting to metaphorically *crumple* up his "critique" at this point, but, in for a penny, in for a pound.
Post by Michael Pendragon
The use of "chosen myth" in the third line also implies that the speaker doesn't believe in either myth. Therefore his dead lover would be performing neither of the options he's given her (sleeping or wandering). She would simply have ceased to exist.
It continues the ambiguity of the previous stanza (is the speaker in a place of denial, or one of transcendence?) "Myth" can mean either religious teaching, or whatever the speaker believes about the auditor; since it's a "chosen" myth, presumably the latter.
Post by Michael Pendragon
There are several million better ways to express the thought that "you're dead." Pick one, or drop the stanza altogether.
Certainly the line "you're dead" is awful, irrespective of source. However, one must consider the source of that line.
Post by Michael Pendragon
Post by Will Dockery
But those
deep blue flowers in a box,
the color of your eyes,
the deep blue flowers
I found blooming
in the lumber yard
that I brought to you
that summer morning in 1982,
the flowers
that smelled like sassafras,
like you,
never leave my thoughts
day in, day out.
That's one helluva run-on! What was your "editor" thinking?
The important point here is: what was the speaker thinking? Here he's just getting isolated thoughts, over a period of time, which culminate in a conclusion (hence the final full stop, and end.)
Post by Michael Pendragon
"But those deep blue flowers in a box, the color of your eyes, the deep blue flowers I found blooming in the lumber yard that I brought to you that summer morning in 1982, the flowers that smelled like sassafras, like you, never leave my thoughts day in, day out."
If this were a prose sentence, I'd probably use a semi-colon after "eyes" and probably dashes after "1982" and "sassafras" - but that stronger punctuation is both unnecessary (as there's a stanza break after each of those words), and counterproductive (the effect would be just to garbage up the piece with punctuation that distracts from the words).
Post by Michael Pendragon
You're rambling on ... and only semi-coherently.
Indeed; I suspect that's normal for people coping with grief/loss. Which is what the speaker is doing. He is not, as Poesydragon would have him do, writing a poem to the absent one, looking for just those perfectly poetical words. If he were, I'd have no empathy for him.
Post by Michael Pendragon
For example: you mean to say that the flowers were the color of her eyes, but what you've actually compared them to is the box.
No; the original (with no comma after "box") did inadvertently compare her eyes to the box, but that's no longer the case.
Post by Michael Pendragon
It's also unclear whether the girl also "smelled like sassafras" or whether the smell of sassafras never leaves your thoughts.
As to the first conjunct: I liked that particular ambiguity in the phrase "like you". The idea that the auditor smelled like sassafrass, too, is obviously a minor connotation - note the stanza break between it and the preceding - but it doesn't hurt that it's there.
As to the second: it's clear that it's "the flowers," not the abstract "smell of sassafras," that never leaves the speaker's thoughts.
Post by Michael Pendragon
A set of ellipses or an "em dash" is required to separate the closing line's Johnny Mercer title from your "thoughts" that precede it.
This is the best stanza in your poem -- but that's not much of a compliment. I guess if one runs five of your randomly broken stanzas together (as I've done here), it increases the odds that you might actually have something to say.
In this case, the speaker is looking at, or thinking of, some pressed wildflowers that he picked for his lover and claiming (a melodramatic exaggeration, IMHO) that the memory of each never leaves him. I doubt "Bernstein" (in "Citizen Kane") thinks about that girl he glimpsed on the ferry as often as he claims, either, but at least he limits the frequency to once a month (give or take).
So the speaker is being melodramatic, and using hyperbole - is that wrong in a state of grief?
The problem is that Poesydragon doesn't see any speaker in a state of grief - all he sees is the author trying to write a poem - and of course he doesn't empathize with that.
Post by Michael Pendragon
Forget-Me-Not
Your love still blooms
in memory --
like deep blue flowers
I picked for you
behind the lumber yard
that Summer day.
And there's where that particular editing ends up: Poesy has managed to turn Will's poem into the opening lines of a pop song (which may even fit the tune of "Deep Purple".
Your love still blooms in memory --
Like deep blue flowers I picked for thee
Behind the lumber yard that Summer day;
But flow'rs shall fade and Summer pass,
And snow come right up to your ass,
And memories will all be swept away.
etc., etc.
Thanks again, George, and thanks for proving my choice for you as editor was an audacious one.
As you know, Stephan has turned in his introduction, once again a good choice... still waiting on an art submission from Zod.
We can now add "audacious" to the ever-growing list of words and phrases that Will Dockery refuses to understand.
Will Dockery
2019-01-11 17:47:38 UTC
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Well, you are definitely more confused than ever if you actually believe that nonsense, "Me".

😊
ME
2019-01-11 18:53:19 UTC
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Post by Will Dockery
Well, you are definitely more confused than ever if you actually believe that nonsense, "Me".
😊
You’re nothing but a nasty closet fag, pissbum.
Norman Bean
2018-08-19 07:30:34 UTC
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Post by Will Dockery
Deep Blue Sassafras
As another day passes
your love
my love
continues.
You sleep
or you wander,
depending on the chosen myth.
But those
deep blue flowers in a box,
the color of your eyes,
the deep blue flowers
I found blooming
in the lumber yard
that I brought to you
that summer morning in 1982,
the flowers
that smelled like sassafras,
like you,
never leave my thoughts
day in, day out.
-Will Dockery
(Edit by George J. Dance)
Fine tuning a fine work of artistry...……………….
Will Dockery
2018-08-19 15:16:39 UTC
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Wow...

Hang on, I'll need a cup of coffee, this looks like a good read.

😀
Will Dockery
2018-08-21 00:59:32 UTC
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Thanks for the splendid comments, everyone.

😀
Norman Bean
2018-08-21 06:21:13 UTC
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Post by Will Dockery
Deep Blue Sassafras
As another day passes
your love
my love
continues.
You sleep
or you wander,
depending on the chosen myth.
But those
deep blue flowers in a box,
the color of your eyes,
the deep blue flowers
I found blooming
in the lumber yard
that I brought to you
that summer morning in 1982,
the flowers
that smelled like sassafras,
like you,
never leave my thoughts
day in, day out.
-Will Dockery
(Edit by George J. Dance)
Good alterna take here....
Frank Greenbaum
2018-08-26 05:25:21 UTC
Reply
Permalink
Post by Will Dockery
Deep Blue Sassafras
As another day passes
your love
my love
continues.
You sleep
or you wander,
depending on the chosen myth.
But those
deep blue flowers in a box,
the color of your eyes,
the deep blue flowers
I found blooming
in the lumber yard
that I brought to you
that summer morning in 1982,
the flowers
that smelled like sassafras,
like you,
never leave my thoughts
day in, day out.
-Will Dockery
(Edit by George J. Dance)
This wouldnmakie good song...………………….
Will Dockery
2018-08-28 02:18:20 UTC
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Your own version of the upper lip routine is getting just as boring as mine, hypocrite Pendragon.

😀
Michael Pendragon
2018-08-28 02:47:27 UTC
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Post by Will Dockery
Your own version of the upper lip routine is getting just as boring as mine, hypocrite Pendragon.
It's not the same thing at all, Will.

Years from now, future historians can scroll through the aapc posts and discover an entire dictionary's worth of words and phrases that Will Dockery was either incapable or unwilling to understand.

You, otoh, just repeat a stupid put-down that you'd borrowed from someone else (most likely when it had been directed against you).
Chafetz Chayim ha'Yehu'di
2018-08-28 02:54:22 UTC
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On Monday, August 27, 2018 at 7:47:28 PM UTC-7, FakeJewPsychoLizard is doing his NaziGene delusion routine in a top hat...

Future historians, Will, will see that FJPL like NaziGene is a racist white supremacist, a 'Jew when convenient' (meaning no education).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
STEPHAN PICKERING / חפץ ח"ם בן אברהם
Torah אלילה Yehu'di Apikores / Philologia Kabbalistica Speculativa Researcher
לחיות זמן רב ולשגשג...לעולם לא עוד
THE KABBALAH FRACTALS PROJECT
לעולם לא אשכח

IN PROGRESS: Shabtai Zisel benAvraham v'Rachel Riva:
davening in the musematic dark
Coco DeSockmonkey
2018-08-28 03:27:19 UTC
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Post by Chafetz Chayim ha'Yehu'di
On Monday, August 27, 2018 at 7:47:28 PM UTC-7, FakeJewPsychoLizard is doing his NaziGene delusion routine in a top hat...
Future historians, Will, will see that FJPL like NaziGene is a racist white supremacist, a 'Jew when convenient' (meaning no education).
But will they even suspect the thinly-veiled Pharmacratic paradigms he's been slowly and systematically infecting the entire group with?
Will Dockery
2018-08-28 05:06:36 UTC
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You flatter yourself, Pendragon... your routines are every bit as stale as you claim mine are.
Michael Pendragon
2018-08-28 11:40:26 UTC
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Post by Will Dockery
You flatter yourself, Pendragon... your routines are every bit as stale as you claim mine are.
Psst ... Will .... you're responding to a thread by Coco.
Will Dockery
2018-08-29 02:43:39 UTC
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Post by Michael Pendragon
Post by Will Dockery
You flatter yourself, Pendragon... your routines are every bit as stale as you claim mine are.
Psst ... Will .... you're responding to a thread by Coco.
Right... and you're having a "Fight Club" moment.

:)
Monty Stone
2018-08-29 03:39:14 UTC
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Post by Will Dockery
Deep Blue Sassafras
As another day passes
your love
my love
continues.
You sleep
or you wander,
depending on the chosen myth.
But those
deep blue flowers in a box,
the color of your eyes,
the deep blue flowers
I found blooming
in the lumber yard
that I brought to you
that summer morning in 1982,
the flowers
that smelled like sassafras,
like you,
never leave my thoughts
day in, day out.
-Will Dockery
(Edit by George J. Dance)
I can paint it how you wants it.....
Will Dockery
2018-08-29 09:15:11 UTC
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Perhaps get input from George Dance on the cover art concept, he being the publisher and editor, after all.
Frank Greenbaum
2018-08-30 07:18:51 UTC
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Permalink
Post by Will Dockery
Deep Blue Sassafras
As another day passes
your love
my love
continues.
You sleep
or you wander,
depending on the chosen myth.
But those
deep blue flowers in a box,
the color of your eyes,
the deep blue flowers
I found blooming
in the lumber yard
that I brought to you
that summer morning in 1982,
the flowers
that smelled like sassafras,
like you,
never leave my thoughts
day in, day out.
-Will Dockery
(Edit by George J. Dance)
I can put this one in pictures in a matter of minutes.....
Will Dockery
2018-08-31 06:31:08 UTC
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Perhaps a slide show video one of these days...
Monty Stone
2018-09-02 05:18:53 UTC
Reply
Permalink
Post by Will Dockery
Deep Blue Sassafras
As another day passes
your love
my love
continues.
You sleep
or you wander,
depending on the chosen myth.
But those
deep blue flowers in a box,
the color of your eyes,
the deep blue flowers
I found blooming
in the lumber yard
that I brought to you
that summer morning in 1982,
the flowers
that smelled like sassafras,
like you,
never leave my thoughts
day in, day out.
-Will Dockery
(Edit by George J. Dance)
You name it I can paint it.... you know that....
Monty Stone
2018-09-03 07:25:21 UTC
Reply
Permalink
Post by Will Dockery
Deep Blue Sassafras
As another day passes
your love
my love
continues.
You sleep
or you wander,
depending on the chosen myth.
But those
deep blue flowers in a box,
the color of your eyes,
the deep blue flowers
I found blooming
in the lumber yard
that I brought to you
that summer morning in 1982,
the flowers
that smelled like sassafras,
like you,
never leave my thoughts
day in, day out.
-Will Dockery
(Edit by George J. Dance)
Vivid like stepping into a dream land...………………………..
Will Dockery
2018-09-04 22:31:13 UTC
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Yes, I would like to see your vision on this, Monty.
Will Dockery
2018-09-11 18:02:25 UTC
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Thanks again for the kind comments, everyone.

😀
Frank Branigan
2018-09-12 21:10:04 UTC
Reply
Permalink
Post by Will Dockery
Deep Blue Sassafras
As another day passes
your love
my love
continues.
You sleep
or you wander,
depending on the chosen myth.
But those
deep blue flowers in a box,
the color of your eyes,
the deep blue flowers
I found blooming
in the lumber yard
that I brought to you
that summer morning in 1982,
the flowers
that smelled like sassafras,
like you,
never leave my thoughts
day in, day out.
-Will Dockery
(Edit by George J. Dance)
Smooth and mellow like a Cuban cigar.....
Will Dockery
2018-09-14 07:31:48 UTC
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But hopefully not as rare as a Cuban cigar.

😀
Monty Haul
2018-09-19 05:25:18 UTC
Reply
Permalink
Post by Will Dockery
Deep Blue Sassafras
As another day passes
your love
my love
continues.
You sleep
or you wander,
depending on the chosen myth.
But those
deep blue flowers in a box,
the color of your eyes,
the deep blue flowers
I found blooming
in the lumber yard
that I brought to you
that summer morning in 1982,
the flowers
that smelled like sassafras,
like you,
never leave my thoughts
day in, day out.
-Will Dockery
(Edit by George J. Dance)
I will make some co9mic stri0p sketchings….
Will Dockery
2018-09-26 16:49:06 UTC
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Comic strip version?

Sounds interesting...
Mr. Spacey
2018-09-30 06:22:49 UTC
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Permalink
Post by Will Dockery
Deep Blue Sassafras
As another day passes
your love
my love
continues.
You sleep
or you wander,
depending on the chosen myth.
But those
deep blue flowers in a box,
the color of your eyes,
the deep blue flowers
I found blooming
in the lumber yard
that I brought to you
that summer morning in 1982,
the flowers
that smelled like sassafras,
like you,
never leave my thoughts
day in, day out.
-Will Dockery
(Edit by George J. Dance)
Yes I imagine the images...…………..
Will Dockery
2018-10-01 18:12:16 UTC
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Thanks for reading and commenting, Spacey.
Brainiac Five
2018-10-02 02:00:02 UTC
Reply
Permalink
Post by Will Dockery
Deep Blue Sassafras
As another day passes
your love
my love
continues.
You sleep
or you wander,
depending on the chosen myth.
But those
deep blue flowers in a box,
the color of your eyes,
the deep blue flowers
I found blooming
in the lumber yard
that I brought to you
that summer morning in 1982,
the flowers
that smelled like sassafras,
like you,
never leave my thoughts
day in, day out.
-Will Dockery
(Edit by George J. Dance)
Good edit George,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Brainiac Five
2018-10-04 21:46:02 UTC
Reply
Permalink
Post by Will Dockery
Deep Blue Sassafras
As another day passes
your love
my love
continues.
You sleep
or you wander,
depending on the chosen myth.
But those
deep blue flowers in a box,
the color of your eyes,
the deep blue flowers
I found blooming
in the lumber yard
that I brought to you
that summer morning in 1982,
the flowers
that smelled like sassafras,
like you,
never leave my thoughts
day in, day out.
-Will Dockery
(Edit by George J. Dance)
One of the best Doc..........................
Will Dockery
2018-10-05 19:32:26 UTC
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Thanks for reading and commenting, everyone.

😀
Will Dockery
2018-10-14 04:21:43 UTC
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Thanks for reading and commenting, everyone.

😀
Will Dockery
2018-10-15 07:46:55 UTC
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Thanks for the feedback, Zod.

😀
Brainiac Five
2018-10-15 23:43:07 UTC
Reply
Permalink
Post by Will Dockery
Deep Blue Sassafras
As another day passes
your love
my love
continues.
You sleep
or you wander,
depending on the chosen myth.
But those
deep blue flowers in a box,
the color of your eyes,
the deep blue flowers
I found blooming
in the lumber yard
that I brought to you
that summer morning in 1982,
the flowers
that smelled like sassafras,
like you,
never leave my thoughts
day in, day out.
-Will Dockery
(Edit by George J. Dance)
One of the best ever Dock...............
Brainiac Five
2018-10-17 23:32:59 UTC
Reply
Permalink
Post by Will Dockery
Deep Blue Sassafras
As another day passes
your love
my love
continues.
You sleep
or you wander,
depending on the chosen myth.
But those
deep blue flowers in a box,
the color of your eyes,
the deep blue flowers
I found blooming
in the lumber yard
that I brought to you
that summer morning in 1982,
the flowers
that smelled like sassafras,
like you,
never leave my thoughts
day in, day out.
-Will Dockery
(Edit by George J. Dance)
Good poem..................
Major Liberty
2018-10-28 07:22:33 UTC
Reply
Permalink
Post by Will Dockery
Deep Blue Sassafras
As another day passes
your love
my love
continues.
You sleep
or you wander,
depending on the chosen myth.
But those
deep blue flowers in a box,
the color of your eyes,
the deep blue flowers
I found blooming
in the lumber yard
that I brought to you
that summer morning in 1982,
the flowers
that smelled like sassafras,
like you,
never leave my thoughts
day in, day out.
-Will Dockery
(Edit by George J. Dance)
This one covers all the bases.....
Good Time Charley
2018-10-31 19:36:05 UTC
Reply
Permalink
Post by Will Dockery
Deep Blue Sassafras
As another day passes
your love
my love
continues.
You sleep
or you wander,
depending on the chosen myth.
But those
deep blue flowers in a box,
the color of your eyes,
the deep blue flowers
I found blooming
in the lumber yard
that I brought to you
that summer morning in 1982,
the flowers
that smelled like sassafras,
like you,
never leave my thoughts
day in, day out.
-Will Dockery
(Edit by George J. Dance)
Both versions are good................
Will Dockery
2018-11-02 09:09:10 UTC
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Thanks for the nod, Charley.

:)
Good Time Charley
2018-11-03 21:39:44 UTC
Reply
Permalink
Post by Will Dockery
Deep Blue Sassafras
As another day passes
your love
my love
continues.
You sleep
or you wander,
depending on the chosen myth.
But those
deep blue flowers in a box,
the color of your eyes,
the deep blue flowers
I found blooming
in the lumber yard
that I brought to you
that summer morning in 1982,
the flowers
that smelled like sassafras,
like you,
never leave my thoughts
day in, day out.
-Will Dockery
(Edit by George J. Dance)
Real good poem....................
General Zod
2018-11-05 07:07:37 UTC
Reply
Permalink
Post by Will Dockery
Deep Blue Sassafras
As another day passes
your love
my love
continues.
You sleep
or you wander,
depending on the chosen myth.
But those
deep blue flowers in a box,
the color of your eyes,
the deep blue flowers
I found blooming
in the lumber yard
that I brought to you
that summer morning in 1982,
the flowers
that smelled like sassafras,
like you,
never leave my thoughts
day in, day out.
-Will Dockery
(Edit by George J. Dance)
Good version...………..
Good Time Charley
2018-11-06 18:24:20 UTC
Reply
Permalink
Post by Will Dockery
Deep Blue Sassafras
As another day passes
your love
my love
continues.
You sleep
or you wander,
depending on the chosen myth.
But those
deep blue flowers in a box,
the color of your eyes,
the deep blue flowers
I found blooming
in the lumber yard
that I brought to you
that summer morning in 1982,
the flowers
that smelled like sassafras,
like you,
never leave my thoughts
day in, day out.
-Will Dockery
(Edit by George J. Dance)
Out deamn standing............
Will Dockery
2019-01-10 22:19:03 UTC
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Thanks again for the scrutiny and constructive criticism, General Zod.

😊
Michael Pendragon
2019-01-11 02:22:17 UTC
Reply
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Post by Will Dockery
Thanks again for the scrutiny and constructive criticism, General Zod.
"Real good poem..............."

"Good version................."

"Out deamn standing..........."

Seriously, Turd?
Will Dockery
2019-01-11 02:34:17 UTC
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Permalink
Compared to your endless bullshit, Zod is a regular Rex Reed of poetry critiques, Pendragon.

😀
Michael Pendragon
2019-01-11 03:39:35 UTC
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Zod is a regular Rex Reed.
And you accuse me of "gay lames"!
Will Dockery
2019-01-11 16:24:27 UTC
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Post by Michael Pendragon
Zod is a regular Rex Reed.
And you accuse me of "gay lames"!
Not at all, I refer to Rex Reed's talent and fame as a critic, of course, nothing about his personal life.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rex_Reed
Coco DeSockmonkey
2019-01-11 16:34:42 UTC
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Post by Will Dockery
Post by Michael Pendragon
Zod is a regular Rex Reed.
And you accuse me of "gay lames"!
Not at all, I refer to Rex Reed's talent and fame as a critic, of course, nothing about his personal life.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rex_Reed
Textbook Freudian association.
ME
2019-01-11 17:23:20 UTC
Reply
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Post by Coco DeSockmonkey
Post by Will Dockery
Post by Michael Pendragon
Zod is a regular Rex Reed.
And you accuse me of "gay lames"!
Not at all, I refer to Rex Reed's talent and fame as a critic, of course, nothing about his personal life.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rex_Reed
Textbook Freudian association.
Coco, pissbum is having a hard time coming to grips with his latent homosexuality.
Besides, zods the best he can do, this late in the game.
General Zod
2019-01-17 09:48:15 UTC
Reply
Permalink
Post by Will Dockery
Post by Michael Pendragon
Zod is a regular Rex Reed.
And you accuse me of "gay lames"!
Not at all, I refer to Rex Reed's talent and fame as a critic, of course, nothing about his personal life.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rex_Reed
Funny....
General Zod
2019-01-11 05:20:20 UTC
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Post by Will Dockery
Compared to your endless bullshit, Zod is a regular Rex Reed of poetry critiques, Pendragon.
😀
I rather be Roger Ebert...……………….
NancyGene
2019-01-11 15:35:07 UTC
Reply
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Post by General Zod
Post by Will Dockery
Compared to your endless bullshit, Zod is a regular Rex Reed of poetry critiques, Pendragon.
I rather be Roger Ebert...……………….
Ebert's dead, Did. You can be like him if you aren't already.
Will Dockery
2019-01-11 04:18:48 UTC
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Permalink
You are the king of the gay lames, Michael Pendragon.

:)
Will Dockery
2019-01-11 17:17:01 UTC
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You made the association, though, Pendragon.
Coco DeSockmonkey
2019-01-11 18:34:35 UTC
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Post by Will Dockery
You made the association, though, Pendragon.
No, Turd.

I recognized the subconscious association that *you* had made in selecting a flaming homosexual like Rex Reed.
Will Dockery
2019-01-11 18:39:19 UTC
Reply
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Post by Coco DeSockmonkey
Post by Will Dockery
You made the association, though, Pendragon.
I recognized the subconscious association that *you* had made in selecting a flaming homosexual like Rex Reed.
No, I did not label Reed by his (alleged) sexual preference, you did... like the gay lamer you are, Pendragon.

:)
Will Dockery
2019-01-11 23:18:04 UTC
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Typical hypocrisy of "Me" and that ilk, of course.

😊
Will Dockery
2019-01-18 12:04:58 UTC
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Thanks again for reading and for the feedback, General Zod.

😊
General Zod
2019-01-23 05:12:45 UTC
Reply
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Post by Will Dockery
Thanks again for reading and for the feedback, General Zod.
😊
Welcome............….
Zod
2019-01-29 06:53:10 UTC
Reply
Permalink
Post by Will Dockery
Deep Blue Sassafras
As another day passes
your love
my love
continues.
You sleep
or you wander,
depending on the chosen myth.
But those
deep blue flowers in a box,
the color of your eyes,
the deep blue flowers
I found blooming
in the lumber yard
that I brought to you
that summer morning in 1982,
the flowers
that smelled like sassafras,
like you,
never leave my thoughts
day in, day out.
-Will Dockery
(Edit by George J. Dance)
This is good kudos to GD!

A toast over the camp fire... all is well in the camp tonight....
Michael Pendragon
2019-01-29 12:42:49 UTC
Reply
Permalink
Post by Zod
Post by Will Dockery
Deep Blue Sassafras
As another day passes
your love
my love
continues.
You sleep
or you wander,
depending on the chosen myth.
But those
deep blue flowers in a box,
the color of your eyes,
the deep blue flowers
I found blooming
in the lumber yard
that I brought to you
that summer morning in 1982,
the flowers
that smelled like sassafras,
like you,
never leave my thoughts
day in, day out.
-Will Dockery
(Edit by George J. Dance)
This is good kudos to GD!
A toast over the camp fire... all is well in the camp tonight....
Drunk hobos... good times!
Zod
2019-01-29 20:27:21 UTC
Reply
Permalink
Post by Michael Pendragon
Post by Zod
Post by Will Dockery
Deep Blue Sassafras
As another day passes
your love
my love
continues.
You sleep
or you wander,
depending on the chosen myth.
But those
deep blue flowers in a box,
the color of your eyes,
the deep blue flowers
I found blooming
in the lumber yard
that I brought to you
that summer morning in 1982,
the flowers
that smelled like sassafras,
like you,
never leave my thoughts
day in, day out.
-Will Dockery
(Edit by George J. Dance)
This is good kudos to GD!
A toast over the camp fire... all is well in the camp tonight....
Drunk hobos... good times!


Dead Man (5/10) Movie CLIP - Big George, Sally, & Benmont (1995) HD
Will Dockery™
2019-01-31 12:20:10 UTC
Reply
Permalink
Post by Zod
Post by Michael Pendragon
Post by Zod
Post by Will Dockery
Deep Blue Sassafras
As another day passes
your love
my love
continues.
You sleep
or you wander,
depending on the chosen myth.
But those
deep blue flowers in a box,
the color of your eyes,
the deep blue flowers
I found blooming
in the lumber yard
that I brought to you
that summer morning in 1982,
the flowers
that smelled like sassafras,
like you,
never leave my thoughts
day in, day out.
-Will Dockery
(Edit by George J. Dance)
This is good kudos to GD!
A toast over the camp fire... all is well in the camp tonight....
Drunk hobos... good times!
http://youtu.be/vBH4Hv39SEo
Dead Man (5/10) Movie CLIP - Big George, Sally, & Benmont (1995) HD
Chicago Tribune said this:

https://www.chicagotribune.com/news/ct-xpm-1996-06-28-9606280097-story.html

"The visuals often recall '40s film noir, 18th Century Western photographs or even the early (1910-1914) western films of D.W. Griffith..."

I liked this:

"'Dead Man's turbid current are shards of dark comedy, poetry, rustic epic, Americana, satire and mystic epiphany. Backed by stunning black-and-white Robby Muller cinematography and a nerve-janglingly intense score written and performed by Neil Young..."

Here the film is called a "Western Noir":

https://translate.google.com/translate?hl=en&sl=de&u=https://der-film-noir.de/v1/node/773&prev=search

Western Noir | USA | 1995 | Jim Jarmusch

original title
Dead man
category
Western Noir
country
USA / GER / JPN
Publishing year
1995
actor
Johnny Depp, Gary Farmer, Lance Henriksen, Michael Wincott, Robert Mitchum

direction
Jim Jarmusch

That'll do for now...
General Zod
2019-02-02 03:53:10 UTC
Reply
Permalink
Post by Will Dockery™
Post by Zod
Post by Michael Pendragon
Post by Zod
Post by Will Dockery
Deep Blue Sassafras
As another day passes
your love
my love
continues.
You sleep
or you wander,
depending on the chosen myth.
But those
deep blue flowers in a box,
the color of your eyes,
the deep blue flowers
I found blooming
in the lumber yard
that I brought to you
that summer morning in 1982,
the flowers
that smelled like sassafras,
like you,
never leave my thoughts
day in, day out.
-Will Dockery
(Edit by George J. Dance)
This is good kudos to GD!
A toast over the camp fire... all is well in the camp tonight....
Drunk hobos... good times!
http://youtu.be/vBH4Hv39SEo
Dead Man (5/10) Movie CLIP - Big George, Sally, & Benmont (1995) HD
https://www.chicagotribune.com/news/ct-xpm-1996-06-28-9606280097-story.html
"The visuals often recall '40s film noir, 18th Century Western photographs or even the early (1910-1914) western films of D.W. Griffith..."
"'Dead Man's turbid current are shards of dark comedy, poetry, rustic epic, Americana, satire and mystic epiphany. Backed by stunning black-and-white Robby Muller cinematography and a nerve-janglingly intense score written and performed by Neil Young..."
https://translate.google.com/translate?hl=en&sl=de&u=https://der-film-noir.de/v1/node/773&prev=search
Western Noir | USA | 1995 | Jim Jarmusch
original title
Dead man
category
Western Noir
country
USA / GER / JPN
Publishing year
1995
actor
Johnny Depp, Gary Farmer, Lance Henriksen, Michael Wincott, Robert Mitchum
direction
Jim Jarmusch
That'll do for now...
Exactly.............
Will Dockery™
2019-01-31 01:31:20 UTC
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Deadman... a classic film noir.
Zod
2019-02-02 07:55:44 UTC
Reply
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Post by Will Dockery™
Deadman... a classic film noir.
Indeed......
Will Dockery™
2019-02-01 02:59:22 UTC
Reply
Permalink
In modern times, Western Noir is indeed a genre, studied in college, even.

😊
Zod
2019-02-02 19:44:58 UTC
Reply
Permalink
Post by Will Dockery
Deep Blue Sassafras
As another day passes
your love
my love
continues.
You sleep
or you wander,
depending on the chosen myth.
But those
deep blue flowers in a box,
the color of your eyes,
the deep blue flowers
I found blooming
in the lumber yard
that I brought to you
that summer morning in 1982,
the flowers
that smelled like sassafras,
like you,
never leave my thoughts
day in, day out.
-Will Dockery
(Edit by George J. Dance)
Classy and powerful....
Will Dockery™
2019-02-02 21:45:09 UTC
Reply
Permalink
Thanks for the nod, General Zod.

:)
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