Apple Montage / a poem by Will Dockery

[Will Dockery]

Apple Montage

Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.

Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.

To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.

There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, other trees.

Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched Pops and my Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.

I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.

I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.

The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.

-Will Dockery

[drive-by]

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, other trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched Pops and my Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

Too many 'Uncles' Drop 'and my Uncle' 5th stanza....cut, print...or keep the original. Many things can fall to the cutting room floor, without destroying the message..in this case, the viewpoint of a young Will..

J

[Will Dockery]

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, other trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched Pops and my Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

Too many 'Uncles' Drop 'and my Uncle' 5th stanza....cut, print...or keep the original. Many things can fall to the cutting room floor, without destroying the message..in this case, the viewpoint of a young Will..
J

Yes, I'm seeing that... too much exposition that the reader can find on his own if he has the interest, as it should be with poetry.

The original, for comparison:

Apple Montage

I was sneaking around
smoking menthol
among the sheds.

Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.

I stood near
as a crowd
watched my father and Uncle.

They were cooking apple butter
stirring the brown gunk
boiling in a huge black kettle.

I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.

Breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn
then to be breathing
the hot misty steam
.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.

There were several
of these trees.
And other trees
behind those trees
past a field.

The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.

-Will Dockery

.

[drive-by]

Post by Will Dockery

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, other trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched Pops and my Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

Too many 'Uncles' Drop 'and my Uncle' 5th stanza....cut, print...or keep the original. Many things can fall to the cutting room floor, without destroying the message..in this case, the viewpoint of a young Will..
J

Yes, I'm seeing that... too much exposition that the reader can find on his own if he has the interest, as it should be with poetry.
Apple Montage
I was sneaking around
smoking menthol
among the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
I stood near
as a crowd
watched my father and Uncle.
They were cooking apple butter
stirring the brown gunk
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
Breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn
then to be breathing
the hot misty steam
.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of these trees.
And other trees
behind those trees
past a field.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery
.

Well...you decide. You've got my opinion..from the first time discussed.

Your recollection is short and sweet, no need to tell us how many bears were hiding in the trees you mention. I try read as someone outside this group, and found your poem a simple memory, with no need for explanation beyond what you wrote.. Move on to 'Magic' keeping as tight.

Jim

[Will Dockery]

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, other trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched Pops and my Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

Too many 'Uncles' Drop 'and my Uncle' 5th stanza....cut, print...or keep the original. Many things can fall to the cutting room floor, without destroying the message..in this case, the viewpoint of a young Will..
J

Yes, I'm seeing that... too much exposition that the reader can find on his own if he has the interest, as it should be with poetry.
Apple Montage
I was sneaking around
smoking menthol
among the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
I stood near
as a crowd
watched my father and Uncle.
They were cooking apple butter
stirring the brown gunk
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
Breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn
then to be breathing
the hot misty steam
.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of these trees.
And other trees
behind those trees
past a field.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery
.

Well...you decide. You've got my opinion..from the first time discussed.
Your recollection is short and sweet, no need to tell us how many bears were hiding in the trees you mention. I try read as someone outside this group, and found your poem a simple memory, with no need for explanation beyond what you wrote.. Move on to 'Magic' keeping as tight.
Jim

Yes, the more I look at it, the more the naming of names distracts...

[drive-by]

Post by Will Dockery

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, other trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched Pops and my Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

Too many 'Uncles' Drop 'and my Uncle' 5th stanza....cut, print...or keep the original. Many things can fall to the cutting room floor, without destroying the message..in this case, the viewpoint of a young Will..
J

Yes, I'm seeing that... too much exposition that the reader can find on his own if he has the interest, as it should be with poetry.
Apple Montage
I was sneaking around
smoking menthol
among the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
I stood near
as a crowd
watched my father and Uncle.
They were cooking apple butter
stirring the brown gunk
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
Breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn
then to be breathing
the hot misty steam
.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of these trees.
And other trees
behind those trees
past a field.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery
.

Well...you decide. You've got my opinion..from the first time discussed.
Your recollection is short and sweet, no need to tell us how many bears were hiding in the trees you mention. I try read as someone outside this group, and found your poem a simple memory, with no need for explanation beyond what you wrote.. Move on to 'Magic' keeping as tight.
Jim

Yes, the more I look at it, the more the naming of names distracts...

Clutters, I would call it.

[Will Dockery]

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, other trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched Pops and my Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

Too many 'Uncles' Drop 'and my Uncle' 5th stanza....cut, print...or keep the original. Many things can fall to the cutting room floor, without destroying the message..in this case, the viewpoint of a young Will..
J

Yes, I'm seeing that... too much exposition that the reader can find on his own if he has the interest, as it should be with poetry.
Apple Montage
I was sneaking around
smoking menthol
among the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
I stood near
as a crowd
watched my father and Uncle.
They were cooking apple butter
stirring the brown gunk
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
Breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn
then to be breathing
the hot misty steam
.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of these trees.
And other trees
behind those trees
past a field.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery
.

Well...you decide. You've got my opinion..from the first time discussed.
Your recollection is short and sweet, no need to tell us how many bears were hiding in the trees you mention. I try read as someone outside this group, and found your poem a simple memory, with no need for explanation beyond what you wrote.. Move on to 'Magic' keeping as tight.
Jim

Yes, the more I look at it, the more the naming of names distracts...

Clutters, I would call it.

You think I went to far on the new version, Jim?

I do "eel" that the flow I had is broken don somewhat by the names and added details, but it seems to still work, yet almost as a different poem.

[Will Dockery]

Ugh...

Keyboard on the other gizmo must be sticking... will repair that post soon.

😇

[1***@gmail.com]

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, other trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched Pops and my Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

Too many 'Uncles' Drop 'and my Uncle' 5th stanza....cut, print...or keep the original. Many things can fall to the cutting room floor, without destroying the message..in this case, the viewpoint of a young Will..
J

Yes, I'm seeing that... too much exposition that the reader can find on his own if he has the interest, as it should be with poetry.
Apple Montage
I was sneaking around
smoking menthol
among the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
I stood near
as a crowd
watched my father and Uncle.
They were cooking apple butter
stirring the brown gunk
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
Breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn
then to be breathing
the hot misty steam
.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of these trees.
And other trees
behind those trees
past a field.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery
.

Well...you decide. You've got my opinion..from the first time discussed.
Your recollection is short and sweet, no need to tell us how many bears were hiding in the trees you mention. I try read as someone outside this group, and found your poem a simple memory, with no need for explanation beyond what you wrote.. Move on to 'Magic' keeping as tight.
Jim

Willie's thanks!! Remarkably!!! All from life.

[Will Dockery]

Post by Will Dockery

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, other trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched Pops and my Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

Too many 'Uncles' Drop 'and my Uncle' 5th stanza....cut, print...or keep the original. Many things can fall to the cutting room floor, without destroying the message..in this case, the viewpoint of a young Will..

Apple Montage
I was sneaking around
smoking menthol
among the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
I stood near
as a crowd
watched my father and Uncle.
They were cooking apple butter
stirring the brown gunk
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
Breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn
then to be breathing
the hot misty steam
.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of these trees.
And other trees
behind those trees
past a field.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

😀

[drive-by]

Post by Will Dockery

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, other trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched Pops and my Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

Too many 'Uncles' Drop 'and my Uncle' 5th stanza....cut, print...or keep the original. Many things can fall to the cutting room floor, without destroying the message..in this case, the viewpoint of a young Will..

Apple Montage
I was sneaking around
smoking menthol
among the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
I stood near
as a crowd
watched my father and Uncle.
They were cooking apple butter
stirring the brown gunk
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
Breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn
then to be breathing
the hot misty steam
.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of these trees.
And other trees
behind those trees
past a field.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

😀

I remain convinced this is the one...it reads smooth, stutter free...cut, print

I'll say no more on it.

J

[Will Dockery]

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, other trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched Pops and my Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

Too many 'Uncles' Drop 'and my Uncle' 5th stanza....cut, print...or keep the original. Many things can fall to the cutting room floor, without destroying the message..in this case, the viewpoint of a young Will..

Apple Montage
I was sneaking around
smoking menthol
among the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
I stood near
as a crowd
watched my father and Uncle.
They were cooking apple butter
stirring the brown gunk
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
Breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn
then to be breathing
the hot misty steam
.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of these trees.
And other trees
behind those trees
past a field.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

😀

I remain convinced this is the one...it reads smooth, stutter free...cut, print
I'll say no more on it.
J

Or, in my words... Smooth.

You make a good case for scaling it back to the basics, Jim.

[George Dance]

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, other trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched Pops and my Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

Too many 'Uncles' Drop 'and my Uncle' 5th stanza....

One way to cut that "uncle" yet keep him there is to say, "we stood near ... watched our fathers."

Post by drive-by
cut, print...or keep the original. Many things can fall to the cutting room floor, without destroying the message..in this case, the viewpoint of a young Will..
J

[George Dance]

Post by George Dance

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, other trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched Pops and my Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

Too many 'Uncles' Drop 'and my Uncle' 5th stanza....

One way to cut that "uncle" yet keep him there is to say, "we stood near ... watched our fathers."

But I like "Pops" - in fact, I like the whole thing now. So, if you make the above change, I'd also recommend: "I saw Pops / pass a wine bottle" in S6.

Post by George Dance

Post by drive-by
cut, print...or keep the original. Many things can fall to the cutting room floor, without destroying the message..in this case, the viewpoint of a young Will..
J

[Will Dockery]

Post by George Dance

Post by George Dance

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, other trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched Pops and my Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

Too many 'Uncles' Drop 'and my Uncle' 5th stanza....

One way to cut that "uncle" yet keep him there is to say, "we stood near ... watched our fathers."

But I like "Pops" - in fact, I like the whole thing now. So, if you make the above change, I'd also recommend: "I saw Pops / pass a wine bottle" in S6.

That can work, absolutely.

Post by George Dance

Post by George Dance

Post by drive-by
cut, print...or keep the original. Many things can fall to the cutting room floor, without destroying the message..in this case, the viewpoint of a young Will..
J

[Will Dockery]

Post by George Dance

Post by George Dance

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, other trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched Pops and my Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

Too many 'Uncles' Drop 'and my Uncle' 5th stanza....

One way to cut that "uncle" yet keep him there is to say, "we stood near ... watched our fathers."

But I like "Pops" - in fact, I like the whole thing now. So, if you make the above change, I'd also recommend: "I saw Pops / pass a wine bottle" in S6.

Tinkering with a slight re-write today, mainly just tightening, for a re-post and new thread, for fresh feedback...

Post by George Dance

Post by George Dance

Post by drive-by
cut, print...or keep the original. Many things can fall to the cutting room floor, without destroying the message..in this case, the viewpoint of a young Will..
J

[Will Dockery]

Post by George Dance

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, other trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched Pops and my Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

Too many 'Uncles' Drop 'and my Uncle' 5th stanza....

One way to cut that "uncle" yet keep him there is to say, "we stood near ... watched our fathers."

It gets more complicated the more the picture goes from impressionism to realist... Jenny's father is actually Uncle Fred, brother of Clarence.

And one reason the wine (and why it was wine they were drinking) is that my uncle was also Reverend Clarence Whitley. I have written about him here, but I don't think in any poetry yet:

=========================================================

This is interesting, the obituary of my uncle, Reverend Clarence Whitley,
from the Daytona Beach Sunday News-Journal - Nov 26, 1980.

https://news.google.com/newspapers?id=bPowAAAAIBAJ&sjid=O-AFAAAAIBAJ&pg=1397%2C5413418

Also, I see my mother was listed, "...a sister, Mrs. (Kelly) Dockery, a
frequent visitor from Columbus, Georgia."

And so it goes.

=====================================================

Uncle Clarence would journey up from Florida every year, and make the rounds visiting family and friends, which often built into some large gatherings.

Post by George Dance

Post by drive-by
cut, print...or keep the original. Many things can fall to the cutting room floor, without destroying the message..in this case, the viewpoint of a young Will..
J

[George Dance]

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, other trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched Pops and my Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

Too many 'Uncles' Drop 'and my Uncle' 5th stanza....

One way to cut that "uncle" yet keep him there is to say, "we stood near ... watched our fathers."

It gets more complicated the more the picture goes from impressionism to realist... Jenny's father is actually Uncle Fred, brother of Clarence.

Then you can't use "our fathers" - fair enough.

Post by Will Dockery
=========================================================
This is interesting, the obituary of my uncle, Reverend Clarence Whitley,
from the Daytona Beach Sunday News-Journal - Nov 26, 1980.
https://news.google.com/newspapers?id=bPowAAAAIBAJ&sjid=O-AFAAAAIBAJ&pg=1397%2C5413418
Also, I see my mother was listed, "...a sister, Mrs. (Kelly) Dockery, a
frequent visitor from Columbus, Georgia."
And so it goes.
=====================================================
Uncle Clarence would journey up from Florida every year, and make the rounds visiting family and friends, which often built into some large gatherings.

Post by George Dance

Post by drive-by
cut, print...or keep the original. Many things can fall to the cutting room floor, without destroying the message..in this case, the viewpoint of a young Will..
J

[Rachel]

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, other trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched Pops and my Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

Too many 'Uncles' Drop 'and my Uncle' 5th stanza....

One way to cut that "uncle" yet keep him there is to say, "we stood near ... watched our fathers."

It gets more complicated the more the picture goes from impressionism to realist... Jenny's father is actually Uncle Fred, brother of Clarence.

Then you can't use "our fathers" - fair enough.

Post by Will Dockery
=========================================================
This is interesting, the obituary of my uncle, Reverend Clarence Whitley,
from the Daytona Beach Sunday News-Journal - Nov 26, 1980.
https://news.google.com/newspapers?id=bPowAAAAIBAJ&sjid=O-AFAAAAIBAJ&pg=1397%2C5413418
Also, I see my mother was listed, "...a sister, Mrs. (Kelly) Dockery, a
frequent visitor from Columbus, Georgia."
And so it goes.
=====================================================
Uncle Clarence would journey up from Florida every year, and make the rounds visiting family and friends, which often built into some large gatherings.

Post by George Dance

Post by drive-by
cut, print...or keep the original. Many things can fall to the cutting room floor, without destroying the message..in this case, the viewpoint of a young Will..
J

our fathers

who arts in heaven

...

GENIUS !!!

(like me)

[Will Dockery]

They have both passed... miss them both.

[Will Dockery]

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, other trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched Pops and my Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

Too many 'Uncles' Drop 'and my Uncle' 5th stanza....

One way to cut that "uncle" yet keep him there is to say, "we stood near ... watched our fathers."

It gets more complicated the more the picture goes from impressionism to realist... Jenny's father is actually Uncle Fred, brother of Clarence.

Then you can't use "our fathers" - fair enough.

Yes... I am thinking of either taking the names out again, or Jack Kerouacing it, and giving the characters made up names.

Any thought son the pros and cons of this move, George, or anyone?

I don't want to disturb family with having their loved ones exposed in a beatnik poem... although I feel I do honor them all.

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery
=========================================================
This is interesting, the obituary of my uncle, Reverend Clarence Whitley,
from the Daytona Beach Sunday News-Journal - Nov 26, 1980.
https://news.google.com/newspapers?id=bPowAAAAIBAJ&sjid=O-AFAAAAIBAJ&pg=1397%2C5413418
Also, I see my mother was listed, "...a sister, Mrs. (Kelly) Dockery, a
frequent visitor from Columbus, Georgia."
And so it goes.
=====================================================
Uncle Clarence would journey up from Florida every year, and make the rounds visiting family and friends, which often built into some large gatherings.

Post by George Dance

Post by drive-by
cut, print...or keep the original. Many things can fall to the cutting room floor, without destroying the message..in this case, the viewpoint of a young Will..
J

[George Dance]

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, other trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched Pops and my Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

Too many 'Uncles' Drop 'and my Uncle' 5th stanza....

One way to cut that "uncle" yet keep him there is to say, "we stood near ... watched our fathers."

It gets more complicated the more the picture goes from impressionism to realist... Jenny's father is actually Uncle Fred, brother of Clarence.

Then you can't use "our fathers" - fair enough.

Yes... I am thinking of either taking the names out again, or Jack Kerouacing it, and giving the characters made up names.
Any thought son the pros and cons of this move, George,

'Kerouacing it' - you can't Kerouac your father, but if you think anyone else'll be embarrassed. I'm sure Rev. Whitley wouldn't be embarrassed about being caught drinking on the sly, but his children might. At the same time, imagine Kerouac bringing in a character and not naming him - these relatives of yours are characters in your mythos.

Post by Will Dockery
or anyone?

Yeah. I'm not trying to monopolize the discussion.

Post by Will Dockery
I don't want to disturb family with having their loved ones exposed in a beatnik poem... although I feel I do honor them all.

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery
=========================================================
This is interesting, the obituary of my uncle, Reverend Clarence Whitley,
from the Daytona Beach Sunday News-Journal - Nov 26, 1980.
https://news.google.com/newspapers?id=bPowAAAAIBAJ&sjid=O-AFAAAAIBAJ&pg=1397%2C5413418
Also, I see my mother was listed, "...a sister, Mrs. (Kelly) Dockery, a
frequent visitor from Columbus, Georgia."
And so it goes.
=====================================================
Uncle Clarence would journey up from Florida every year, and make the rounds visiting family and friends, which often built into some large gatherings.

Post by George Dance

Post by drive-by
cut, print...or keep the original. Many things can fall to the cutting room floor, without destroying the message..in this case, the viewpoint of a young Will..
J

[Will Dockery]

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, other trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched Pops and my Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

Too many 'Uncles' Drop 'and my Uncle' 5th stanza....

One way to cut that "uncle" yet keep him there is to say, "we stood near ... watched our fathers."

It gets more complicated the more the picture goes from impressionism to realist... Jenny's father is actually Uncle Fred, brother of Clarence.

Then you can't use "our fathers" - fair enough.

Yes... I am thinking of either taking the names out again, or Jack Kerouacing it, and giving the characters made up names.
Any thought son the pros and cons of this move, George,

'Kerouacing it' - you can't Kerouac your father, but if you think anyone else'll be embarrassed. I'm sure Rev. Whitley wouldn't be embarrassed about being caught drinking on the sly, but his children might. At the same time, imagine Kerouac bringing in a character and not naming him - these relatives of yours are characters in your mythos.

Well, Kerouac did make his mother his "Aunt" in On The Road:

http://www.beatdom.com/the-beat-generation/whos-who-a-guide-to-kerouacs-characters/

Gabrielle Kerouac

Bio:
Kerouac’s mother. She remained a huge influence on his life, living with him for much of his adulthood.

Aliases:
Doctor Sax – Ange
On the Road – Sal’s Aunt
The Town and the City – Marguerite Martin
Vanity of Duluoz – Ange

But mostly you are correct.

In Visions Of Gerard his father became "Emil":

http://beat_literature.enacademic.com/165/Visions_of_Gerard

his father, Emil, takes second place of importance. Emil has business and health problems and must also endure watching his firstborn slowly die. Kerouac must acknowledge that the realities of making a living and of backbreaking work are quite real. Emil is portrayed as capable of being a “tragic philosopher,” and this quality of mind links him to Gerard. Emil escapes from the death watch in his home on the pretext that he has extra work to do with his assistant Manuel. The two men hit the road in Manuel’s sidecar motorcycle and end up playing cards with some old vaudevillians in downtown Lowell. Legend has it in the Kerouac family that Leo Kerouac met W. C. Fields a time or two and that they played poker together [...] After he and Emil get drunk, Bull reflects Kerouac’s Buddhist philosophy by saying, “It’s a dream, lads, it’s a dream.”
===================================================

Leo Kerouac

Bio:
Kerouac’s father died in 1946, and shortly after this, Kerouac sat down and wrote The Town & The City. He promised his dying father that he would always look after his mother.

Aliases:
Doctor Sax – Emil “Pop” Duluoz
Maggie Cassidy – Emil “Pop” Duluoz
The Town and the City – George Martin
Vanity of Duluoz – Emil “Pop” Duluoz
Visions of Gerard – Emil “Pop” Duluoz

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery
or anyone?

Yeah. I'm not trying to monopolize the discussion.

No problem with me on that, any and all feedback on this is of great interest and help for me, I'm going to get this poem polished, yet retain the raw power, if possible.

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery
I don't want to disturb family with having their loved ones exposed in a beatnik poem... although I feel I do honor them all.

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery
=========================================================
This is interesting, the obituary of my uncle, Reverend Clarence Whitley,
from the Daytona Beach Sunday News-Journal - Nov 26, 1980.
https://news.google.com/newspapers?id=bPowAAAAIBAJ&sjid=O-AFAAAAIBAJ&pg=1397%2C5413418
Also, I see my mother was listed, "...a sister, Mrs. (Kelly) Dockery, a
frequent visitor from Columbus, Georgia."
And so it goes.
=====================================================
Uncle Clarence would journey up from Florida every year, and make the rounds visiting family and friends, which often built into some large gatherings.

Post by George Dance

Post by drive-by
cut, print...or keep the original. Many things can fall to the cutting room floor, without destroying the message..in this case, the viewpoint of a young Will..

I think I am maintaining that integrity in the poem...

[drive-by]

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, other trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched Pops and my Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

Too many 'Uncles' Drop 'and my Uncle' 5th stanza....

One way to cut that "uncle" yet keep him there is to say, "we stood near ... watched our fathers."

It gets more complicated the more the picture goes from impressionism to realist... Jenny's father is actually Uncle Fred, brother of Clarence.

Then you can't use "our fathers" - fair enough.

Yes... I am thinking of either taking the names out again, or Jack Kerouacing it, and giving the characters made up names.
Any thought son the pros and cons of this move, George,

'Kerouacing it' - you can't Kerouac your father, but if you think anyone else'll be embarrassed. I'm sure Rev. Whitley wouldn't be embarrassed about being caught drinking on the sly, but his children might. At the same time, imagine Kerouac bringing in a character and not naming him - these relatives of yours are characters in your mythos.

http://www.beatdom.com/the-beat-generation/whos-who-a-guide-to-kerouacs-characters/
Gabrielle Kerouac
Kerouac’s mother. She remained a huge influence on his life, living with him for much of his adulthood.
Doctor Sax – Ange
On the Road – Sal’s Aunt
The Town and the City – Marguerite Martin
Vanity of Duluoz – Ange
But mostly you are correct.
http://beat_literature.enacademic.com/165/Visions_of_Gerard
his father, Emil, takes second place of importance. Emil has business and health problems and must also endure watching his firstborn slowly die. Kerouac must acknowledge that the realities of making a living and of backbreaking work are quite real. Emil is portrayed as capable of being a “tragic philosopher,” and this quality of mind links him to Gerard. Emil escapes from the death watch in his home on the pretext that he has extra work to do with his assistant Manuel. The two men hit the road in Manuel’s sidecar motorcycle and end up playing cards with some old vaudevillians in downtown Lowell. Legend has it in the Kerouac family that Leo Kerouac met W. C. Fields a time or two and that they played poker together [...] After he and Emil get drunk, Bull reflects Kerouac’s Buddhist philosophy by saying, “It’s a dream, lads, it’s a dream.”
===================================================
Leo Kerouac
Kerouac’s father died in 1946, and shortly after this, Kerouac sat down and wrote The Town & The City. He promised his dying father that he would always look after his mother.
Doctor Sax – Emil “Pop” Duluoz
Maggie Cassidy – Emil “Pop” Duluoz
The Town and the City – George Martin
Vanity of Duluoz – Emil “Pop” Duluoz
Visions of Gerard – Emil “Pop” Duluoz

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery
or anyone?

Yeah. I'm not trying to monopolize the discussion.

No problem with me on that, any and all feedback on this is of great interest and help for me, I'm going to get this poem polished, yet retain the raw power, if possible.

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery
I don't want to disturb family with having their loved ones exposed in a beatnik poem... although I feel I do honor them all.

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery
=========================================================
This is interesting, the obituary of my uncle, Reverend Clarence Whitley,
from the Daytona Beach Sunday News-Journal - Nov 26, 1980.
https://news.google.com/newspapers?id=bPowAAAAIBAJ&sjid=O-AFAAAAIBAJ&pg=1397%2C5413418
Also, I see my mother was listed, "...a sister, Mrs. (Kelly) Dockery, a
frequent visitor from Columbus, Georgia."
And so it goes.
=====================================================
Uncle Clarence would journey up from Florida every year, and make the rounds visiting family and friends, which often built into some large gatherings.

Post by George Dance

Post by drive-by
cut, print...or keep the original. Many things can fall to the cutting room floor, without destroying the message..in this case, the viewpoint of a young Will..

I think I am maintaining that integrity in the poem...

Well..be done with it then Will..more words written about what you should do, than the original write....think 'too many cooks, spoil the soup"...or stew, or pizza.

[Rachel]

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, other trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched Pops and my Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

Too many 'Uncles' Drop 'and my Uncle' 5th stanza....

One way to cut that "uncle" yet keep him there is to say, "we stood near ... watched our fathers."

It gets more complicated the more the picture goes from impressionism to realist... Jenny's father is actually Uncle Fred, brother of Clarence.

Then you can't use "our fathers" - fair enough.

Yes... I am thinking of either taking the names out again, or Jack Kerouacing it, and giving the characters made up names.
Any thought son the pros and cons of this move, George,

'Kerouacing it' - you can't Kerouac your father, but if you think anyone else'll be embarrassed. I'm sure Rev. Whitley wouldn't be embarrassed about being caught drinking on the sly, but his children might. At the same time, imagine Kerouac bringing in a character and not naming him - these relatives of yours are characters in your mythos.

http://www.beatdom.com/the-beat-generation/whos-who-a-guide-to-kerouacs-characters/
Gabrielle Kerouac
Kerouac’s mother. She remained a huge influence on his life, living with him for much of his adulthood.
Doctor Sax – Ange
On the Road – Sal’s Aunt
The Town and the City – Marguerite Martin
Vanity of Duluoz – Ange
But mostly you are correct.
http://beat_literature.enacademic.com/165/Visions_of_Gerard
his father, Emil, takes second place of importance. Emil has business and health problems and must also endure watching his firstborn slowly die. Kerouac must acknowledge that the realities of making a living and of backbreaking work are quite real. Emil is portrayed as capable of being a “tragic philosopher,” and this quality of mind links him to Gerard. Emil escapes from the death watch in his home on the pretext that he has extra work to do with his assistant Manuel. The two men hit the road in Manuel’s sidecar motorcycle and end up playing cards with some old vaudevillians in downtown Lowell. Legend has it in the Kerouac family that Leo Kerouac met W. C. Fields a time or two and that they played poker together [...] After he and Emil get drunk, Bull reflects Kerouac’s Buddhist philosophy by saying, “It’s a dream, lads, it’s a dream.”
===================================================
Leo Kerouac
Kerouac’s father died in 1946, and shortly after this, Kerouac sat down and wrote The Town & The City. He promised his dying father that he would always look after his mother.
Doctor Sax – Emil “Pop” Duluoz
Maggie Cassidy – Emil “Pop” Duluoz
The Town and the City – George Martin
Vanity of Duluoz – Emil “Pop” Duluoz
Visions of Gerard – Emil “Pop” Duluoz

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery
or anyone?

Yeah. I'm not trying to monopolize the discussion.

No problem with me on that, any and all feedback on this is of great interest and help for me, I'm going to get this poem polished, yet retain the raw power, if possible.

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery
I don't want to disturb family with having their loved ones exposed in a beatnik poem... although I feel I do honor them all.

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery
=========================================================
This is interesting, the obituary of my uncle, Reverend Clarence Whitley,
from the Daytona Beach Sunday News-Journal - Nov 26, 1980.
https://news.google.com/newspapers?id=bPowAAAAIBAJ&sjid=O-AFAAAAIBAJ&pg=1397%2C5413418
Also, I see my mother was listed, "...a sister, Mrs. (Kelly) Dockery, a
frequent visitor from Columbus, Georgia."
And so it goes.
=====================================================
Uncle Clarence would journey up from Florida every year, and make the rounds visiting family and friends, which often built into some large gatherings.

Post by George Dance

Post by drive-by
cut, print...or keep the original. Many things can fall to the cutting room floor, without destroying the message..in this case, the viewpoint of a young Will..

I think I am maintaining that integrity in the poem...

Well..be done with it then Will..more words written about what you should do, than the original write....think 'too many cooks, spoil the soup"...or stew, or pizza.

the broth...

[Will Dockery]

Post by Rachel

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, other trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched Pops and my Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

Too many 'Uncles' Drop 'and my Uncle' 5th stanza....

One way to cut that "uncle" yet keep him there is to say, "we stood near ... watched our fathers."

It gets more complicated the more the picture goes from impressionism to realist... Jenny's father is actually Uncle Fred, brother of Clarence.

Then you can't use "our fathers" - fair enough.

Yes... I am thinking of either taking the names out again, or Jack Kerouacing it, and giving the characters made up names.
Any thought son the pros and cons of this move, George,

'Kerouacing it' - you can't Kerouac your father, but if you think anyone else'll be embarrassed. I'm sure Rev. Whitley wouldn't be embarrassed about being caught drinking on the sly, but his children might. At the same time, imagine Kerouac bringing in a character and not naming him - these relatives of yours are characters in your mythos.

http://www.beatdom.com/the-beat-generation/whos-who-a-guide-to-kerouacs-characters/
Gabrielle Kerouac
Kerouac’s mother. She remained a huge influence on his life, living with him for much of his adulthood.
Doctor Sax – Ange
On the Road – Sal’s Aunt
The Town and the City – Marguerite Martin
Vanity of Duluoz – Ange
But mostly you are correct.
http://beat_literature.enacademic.com/165/Visions_of_Gerard
his father, Emil, takes second place of importance. Emil has business and health problems and must also endure watching his firstborn slowly die. Kerouac must acknowledge that the realities of making a living and of backbreaking work are quite real. Emil is portrayed as capable of being a “tragic philosopher,” and this quality of mind links him to Gerard. Emil escapes from the death watch in his home on the pretext that he has extra work to do with his assistant Manuel. The two men hit the road in Manuel’s sidecar motorcycle and end up playing cards with some old vaudevillians in downtown Lowell. Legend has it in the Kerouac family that Leo Kerouac met W. C. Fields a time or two and that they played poker together [...] After he and Emil get drunk, Bull reflects Kerouac’s Buddhist philosophy by saying, “It’s a dream, lads, it’s a dream.”
===================================================
Leo Kerouac
Kerouac’s father died in 1946, and shortly after this, Kerouac sat down and wrote The Town & The City. He promised his dying father that he would always look after his mother.
Doctor Sax – Emil “Pop” Duluoz
Maggie Cassidy – Emil “Pop” Duluoz
The Town and the City – George Martin
Vanity of Duluoz – Emil “Pop” Duluoz
Visions of Gerard – Emil “Pop” Duluoz

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery
or anyone?

Yeah. I'm not trying to monopolize the discussion.

No problem with me on that, any and all feedback on this is of great interest and help for me, I'm going to get this poem polished, yet retain the raw power, if possible.

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery
I don't want to disturb family with having their loved ones exposed in a beatnik poem... although I feel I do honor them all.

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery
=========================================================
This is interesting, the obituary of my uncle, Reverend Clarence Whitley,
from the Daytona Beach Sunday News-Journal - Nov 26, 1980.
https://news.google.com/newspapers?id=bPowAAAAIBAJ&sjid=O-AFAAAAIBAJ&pg=1397%2C5413418
Also, I see my mother was listed, "...a sister, Mrs. (Kelly) Dockery, a
frequent visitor from Columbus, Georgia."
And so it goes.
=====================================================
Uncle Clarence would journey up from Florida every year, and make the rounds visiting family and friends, which often built into some large gatherings.

Post by George Dance

Post by drive-by
cut, print...or keep the original. Many things can fall to the cutting room floor, without destroying the message..in this case, the viewpoint of a young Will..

I think I am maintaining that integrity in the poem...

Well..be done with it then Will..more words written about what you should do, than the original write....think 'too many cooks, spoil the soup"...or stew, or pizza.

the broth...

The ingredients are important, also...

[Will Dockery]

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, other trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched Pops and my Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

Too many 'Uncles' Drop 'and my Uncle' 5th stanza....

One way to cut that "uncle" yet keep him there is to say, "we stood near ... watched our fathers."

It gets more complicated the more the picture goes from impressionism to realist... Jenny's father is actually Uncle Fred, brother of Clarence.

Then you can't use "our fathers" - fair enough.

Yes... I am thinking of either taking the names out again, or Jack Kerouacing it, and giving the characters made up names.
Any thought son the pros and cons of this move, George,

'Kerouacing it' - you can't Kerouac your father, but if you think anyone else'll be embarrassed. I'm sure Rev. Whitley wouldn't be embarrassed about being caught drinking on the sly, but his children might. At the same time, imagine Kerouac bringing in a character and not naming him - these relatives of yours are characters in your mythos.

http://www.beatdom.com/the-beat-generation/whos-who-a-guide-to-kerouacs-characters/
Gabrielle Kerouac
Kerouac’s mother. She remained a huge influence on his life, living with him for much of his adulthood.
Doctor Sax – Ange
On the Road – Sal’s Aunt
The Town and the City – Marguerite Martin
Vanity of Duluoz – Ange
But mostly you are correct.
http://beat_literature.enacademic.com/165/Visions_of_Gerard
his father, Emil, takes second place of importance. Emil has business and health problems and must also endure watching his firstborn slowly die. Kerouac must acknowledge that the realities of making a living and of backbreaking work are quite real. Emil is portrayed as capable of being a “tragic philosopher,” and this quality of mind links him to Gerard. Emil escapes from the death watch in his home on the pretext that he has extra work to do with his assistant Manuel. The two men hit the road in Manuel’s sidecar motorcycle and end up playing cards with some old vaudevillians in downtown Lowell. Legend has it in the Kerouac family that Leo Kerouac met W. C. Fields a time or two and that they played poker together [...] After he and Emil get drunk, Bull reflects Kerouac’s Buddhist philosophy by saying, “It’s a dream, lads, it’s a dream.”
===================================================
Leo Kerouac
Kerouac’s father died in 1946, and shortly after this, Kerouac sat down and wrote The Town & The City. He promised his dying father that he would always look after his mother.
Doctor Sax – Emil “Pop” Duluoz
Maggie Cassidy – Emil “Pop” Duluoz
The Town and the City – George Martin
Vanity of Duluoz – Emil “Pop” Duluoz
Visions of Gerard – Emil “Pop” Duluoz

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery
or anyone?

Yeah. I'm not trying to monopolize the discussion.

No problem with me on that, any and all feedback on this is of great interest and help for me, I'm going to get this poem polished, yet retain the raw power, if possible.

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery
I don't want to disturb family with having their loved ones exposed in a beatnik poem... although I feel I do honor them all.

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery
=========================================================
This is interesting, the obituary of my uncle, Reverend Clarence Whitley,
from the Daytona Beach Sunday News-Journal - Nov 26, 1980.
https://news.google.com/newspapers?id=bPowAAAAIBAJ&sjid=O-AFAAAAIBAJ&pg=1397%2C5413418
Also, I see my mother was listed, "...a sister, Mrs. (Kelly) Dockery, a
frequent visitor from Columbus, Georgia."
And so it goes.
=====================================================
Uncle Clarence would journey up from Florida every year, and make the rounds visiting family and friends, which often built into some large gatherings.

Post by George Dance

Post by drive-by
cut, print...or keep the original. Many things can fall to the cutting room floor, without destroying the message..in this case, the viewpoint of a young Will..

I think I am maintaining that integrity in the poem...

Well..be done with it then Will..more words written about what you should do, than the original write....think 'too many cooks, spoil the soup"...or stew, or pizza.

I'm the only "cook" here, Jim, but I do appreciate feedback.

[drive-by]

Post by Will Dockery

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, other trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched Pops and my Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

Too many 'Uncles' Drop 'and my Uncle' 5th stanza....

One way to cut that "uncle" yet keep him there is to say, "we stood near ... watched our fathers."

It gets more complicated the more the picture goes from impressionism to realist... Jenny's father is actually Uncle Fred, brother of Clarence.

Then you can't use "our fathers" - fair enough.

Yes... I am thinking of either taking the names out again, or Jack Kerouacing it, and giving the characters made up names.
Any thought son the pros and cons of this move, George,

'Kerouacing it' - you can't Kerouac your father, but if you think anyone else'll be embarrassed. I'm sure Rev. Whitley wouldn't be embarrassed about being caught drinking on the sly, but his children might. At the same time, imagine Kerouac bringing in a character and not naming him - these relatives of yours are characters in your mythos.

http://www.beatdom.com/the-beat-generation/whos-who-a-guide-to-kerouacs-characters/
Gabrielle Kerouac
Kerouac’s mother. She remained a huge influence on his life, living with him for much of his adulthood.
Doctor Sax – Ange
On the Road – Sal’s Aunt
The Town and the City – Marguerite Martin
Vanity of Duluoz – Ange
But mostly you are correct.
http://beat_literature.enacademic.com/165/Visions_of_Gerard
his father, Emil, takes second place of importance. Emil has business and health problems and must also endure watching his firstborn slowly die. Kerouac must acknowledge that the realities of making a living and of backbreaking work are quite real. Emil is portrayed as capable of being a “tragic philosopher,” and this quality of mind links him to Gerard. Emil escapes from the death watch in his home on the pretext that he has extra work to do with his assistant Manuel. The two men hit the road in Manuel’s sidecar motorcycle and end up playing cards with some old vaudevillians in downtown Lowell. Legend has it in the Kerouac family that Leo Kerouac met W. C. Fields a time or two and that they played poker together [...] After he and Emil get drunk, Bull reflects Kerouac’s Buddhist philosophy by saying, “It’s a dream, lads, it’s a dream.”
===================================================
Leo Kerouac
Kerouac’s father died in 1946, and shortly after this, Kerouac sat down and wrote The Town & The City. He promised his dying father that he would always look after his mother.
Doctor Sax – Emil “Pop” Duluoz
Maggie Cassidy – Emil “Pop” Duluoz
The Town and the City – George Martin
Vanity of Duluoz – Emil “Pop” Duluoz
Visions of Gerard – Emil “Pop” Duluoz

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery
or anyone?

Yeah. I'm not trying to monopolize the discussion.

No problem with me on that, any and all feedback on this is of great interest and help for me, I'm going to get this poem polished, yet retain the raw power, if possible.

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery
I don't want to disturb family with having their loved ones exposed in a beatnik poem... although I feel I do honor them all.

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery
=========================================================
This is interesting, the obituary of my uncle, Reverend Clarence Whitley,
from the Daytona Beach Sunday News-Journal - Nov 26, 1980.
https://news.google.com/newspapers?id=bPowAAAAIBAJ&sjid=O-AFAAAAIBAJ&pg=1397%2C5413418
Also, I see my mother was listed, "...a sister, Mrs. (Kelly) Dockery, a
frequent visitor from Columbus, Georgia."
And so it goes.
=====================================================
Uncle Clarence would journey up from Florida every year, and make the rounds visiting family and friends, which often built into some large gatherings.

Post by George Dance

Post by drive-by
cut, print...or keep the original. Many things can fall to the cutting room floor, without destroying the message..in this case, the viewpoint of a young Will..

I think I am maintaining that integrity in the poem...

Well..be done with it then Will..more words written about what you should do, than the original write....think 'too many cooks, spoil the soup"...or stew, or pizza.

I'm the only "cook" here, Jim, but I do appreciate feedback.

I know you like feedback...but over-fed removes the joy of the first taste...:-)

[Will Dockery]

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, other trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched Pops and my Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

Too many 'Uncles' Drop 'and my Uncle' 5th stanza....

One way to cut that "uncle" yet keep him there is to say, "we stood near ... watched our fathers."

It gets more complicated the more the picture goes from impressionism to realist... Jenny's father is actually Uncle Fred, brother of Clarence.

Then you can't use "our fathers" - fair enough.

Yes... I am thinking of either taking the names out again, or Jack Kerouacing it, and giving the characters made up names.
Any thought son the pros and cons of this move, George,

'Kerouacing it' - you can't Kerouac your father, but if you think anyone else'll be embarrassed. I'm sure Rev. Whitley wouldn't be embarrassed about being caught drinking on the sly, but his children might. At the same time, imagine Kerouac bringing in a character and not naming him - these relatives of yours are characters in your mythos.

http://www.beatdom.com/the-beat-generation/whos-who-a-guide-to-kerouacs-characters/
Gabrielle Kerouac
Kerouac’s mother. She remained a huge influence on his life, living with him for much of his adulthood.
Doctor Sax – Ange
On the Road – Sal’s Aunt
The Town and the City – Marguerite Martin
Vanity of Duluoz – Ange
But mostly you are correct.
http://beat_literature.enacademic.com/165/Visions_of_Gerard
his father, Emil, takes second place of importance. Emil has business and health problems and must also endure watching his firstborn slowly die. Kerouac must acknowledge that the realities of making a living and of backbreaking work are quite real. Emil is portrayed as capable of being a “tragic philosopher,” and this quality of mind links him to Gerard. Emil escapes from the death watch in his home on the pretext that he has extra work to do with his assistant Manuel. The two men hit the road in Manuel’s sidecar motorcycle and end up playing cards with some old vaudevillians in downtown Lowell. Legend has it in the Kerouac family that Leo Kerouac met W. C. Fields a time or two and that they played poker together [...] After he and Emil get drunk, Bull reflects Kerouac’s Buddhist philosophy by saying, “It’s a dream, lads, it’s a dream.”
===================================================
Leo Kerouac
Kerouac’s father died in 1946, and shortly after this, Kerouac sat down and wrote The Town & The City. He promised his dying father that he would always look after his mother.
Doctor Sax – Emil “Pop” Duluoz
Maggie Cassidy – Emil “Pop” Duluoz
The Town and the City – George Martin
Vanity of Duluoz – Emil “Pop” Duluoz
Visions of Gerard – Emil “Pop” Duluoz

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery
or anyone?

Yeah. I'm not trying to monopolize the discussion.

No problem with me on that, any and all feedback on this is of great interest and help for me, I'm going to get this poem polished, yet retain the raw power, if possible.

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery
I don't want to disturb family with having their loved ones exposed in a beatnik poem... although I feel I do honor them all.

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery
=========================================================
This is interesting, the obituary of my uncle, Reverend Clarence Whitley,
from the Daytona Beach Sunday News-Journal - Nov 26, 1980.
https://news.google.com/newspapers?id=bPowAAAAIBAJ&sjid=O-AFAAAAIBAJ&pg=1397%2C5413418
Also, I see my mother was listed, "...a sister, Mrs. (Kelly) Dockery, a
frequent visitor from Columbus, Georgia."
And so it goes.
=====================================================
Uncle Clarence would journey up from Florida every year, and make the rounds visiting family and friends, which often built into some large gatherings.

Post by George Dance

Post by drive-by
cut, print...or keep the original. Many things can fall to the cutting room floor, without destroying the message..in this case, the viewpoint of a young Will..

I think I am maintaining that integrity in the poem...

Well..be done with it then Will..more words written about what you should do, than the original write....think 'too many cooks, spoil the soup"...or stew, or pizza.

I'm the only "cook" here, Jim, but I do appreciate feedback.

I know you like feedback...but over-fed removes the joy of the first taste...:-)

True, think this one's ready for the gallery showing.

:)

[drive-by]

Post by Will Dockery

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, other trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched Pops and my Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

Too many 'Uncles' Drop 'and my Uncle' 5th stanza....

One way to cut that "uncle" yet keep him there is to say, "we stood near ... watched our fathers."

It gets more complicated the more the picture goes from impressionism to realist... Jenny's father is actually Uncle Fred, brother of Clarence.

Then you can't use "our fathers" - fair enough.

Yes... I am thinking of either taking the names out again, or Jack Kerouacing it, and giving the characters made up names.
Any thought son the pros and cons of this move, George,

'Kerouacing it' - you can't Kerouac your father, but if you think anyone else'll be embarrassed. I'm sure Rev. Whitley wouldn't be embarrassed about being caught drinking on the sly, but his children might. At the same time, imagine Kerouac bringing in a character and not naming him - these relatives of yours are characters in your mythos.

http://www.beatdom.com/the-beat-generation/whos-who-a-guide-to-kerouacs-characters/
Gabrielle Kerouac
Kerouac’s mother. She remained a huge influence on his life, living with him for much of his adulthood.
Doctor Sax – Ange
On the Road – Sal’s Aunt
The Town and the City – Marguerite Martin
Vanity of Duluoz – Ange
But mostly you are correct.
http://beat_literature.enacademic.com/165/Visions_of_Gerard
his father, Emil, takes second place of importance. Emil has business and health problems and must also endure watching his firstborn slowly die. Kerouac must acknowledge that the realities of making a living and of backbreaking work are quite real. Emil is portrayed as capable of being a “tragic philosopher,” and this quality of mind links him to Gerard. Emil escapes from the death watch in his home on the pretext that he has extra work to do with his assistant Manuel. The two men hit the road in Manuel’s sidecar motorcycle and end up playing cards with some old vaudevillians in downtown Lowell. Legend has it in the Kerouac family that Leo Kerouac met W. C. Fields a time or two and that they played poker together [...] After he and Emil get drunk, Bull reflects Kerouac’s Buddhist philosophy by saying, “It’s a dream, lads, it’s a dream.”
===================================================
Leo Kerouac
Kerouac’s father died in 1946, and shortly after this, Kerouac sat down and wrote The Town & The City. He promised his dying father that he would always look after his mother.
Doctor Sax – Emil “Pop” Duluoz
Maggie Cassidy – Emil “Pop” Duluoz
The Town and the City – George Martin
Vanity of Duluoz – Emil “Pop” Duluoz
Visions of Gerard – Emil “Pop” Duluoz

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery
or anyone?

Yeah. I'm not trying to monopolize the discussion.

No problem with me on that, any and all feedback on this is of great interest and help for me, I'm going to get this poem polished, yet retain the raw power, if possible.

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery
I don't want to disturb family with having their loved ones exposed in a beatnik poem... although I feel I do honor them all.

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery
=========================================================
This is interesting, the obituary of my uncle, Reverend Clarence Whitley,
from the Daytona Beach Sunday News-Journal - Nov 26, 1980.
https://news.google.com/newspapers?id=bPowAAAAIBAJ&sjid=O-AFAAAAIBAJ&pg=1397%2C5413418
Also, I see my mother was listed, "...a sister, Mrs. (Kelly) Dockery, a
frequent visitor from Columbus, Georgia."
And so it goes.
=====================================================
Uncle Clarence would journey up from Florida every year, and make the rounds visiting family and friends, which often built into some large gatherings.

Post by George Dance

Post by drive-by
cut, print...or keep the original. Many things can fall to the cutting room floor, without destroying the message..in this case, the viewpoint of a young Will..

I think I am maintaining that integrity in the poem...

Well..be done with it then Will..more words written about what you should do, than the original write....think 'too many cooks, spoil the soup"...or stew, or pizza.

I'm the only "cook" here, Jim, but I do appreciate feedback.

I know you like feedback...but over-fed removes the joy of the first taste...:-)

True, think this one's ready for the gallery showing.
:)

Break out 'Hallelujah'...LC

[Will Dockery]

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, other trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched Pops and my Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

Too many 'Uncles' Drop 'and my Uncle' 5th stanza....

One way to cut that "uncle" yet keep him there is to say, "we stood near ... watched our fathers."

It gets more complicated the more the picture goes from impressionism to realist... Jenny's father is actually Uncle Fred, brother of Clarence.

Then you can't use "our fathers" - fair enough.

Yes... I am thinking of either taking the names out again, or Jack Kerouacing it, and giving the characters made up names.
Any thought son the pros and cons of this move, George,

'Kerouacing it' - you can't Kerouac your father, but if you think anyone else'll be embarrassed. I'm sure Rev. Whitley wouldn't be embarrassed about being caught drinking on the sly, but his children might. At the same time, imagine Kerouac bringing in a character and not naming him - these relatives of yours are characters in your mythos.

http://www.beatdom.com/the-beat-generation/whos-who-a-guide-to-kerouacs-characters/
Gabrielle Kerouac
Kerouac’s mother. She remained a huge influence on his life, living with him for much of his adulthood.
Doctor Sax – Ange
On the Road – Sal’s Aunt
The Town and the City – Marguerite Martin
Vanity of Duluoz – Ange
But mostly you are correct.
http://beat_literature.enacademic.com/165/Visions_of_Gerard
his father, Emil, takes second place of importance. Emil has business and health problems and must also endure watching his firstborn slowly die. Kerouac must acknowledge that the realities of making a living and of backbreaking work are quite real. Emil is portrayed as capable of being a “tragic philosopher,” and this quality of mind links him to Gerard. Emil escapes from the death watch in his home on the pretext that he has extra work to do with his assistant Manuel. The two men hit the road in Manuel’s sidecar motorcycle and end up playing cards with some old vaudevillians in downtown Lowell. Legend has it in the Kerouac family that Leo Kerouac met W. C. Fields a time or two and that they played poker together [...] After he and Emil get drunk, Bull reflects Kerouac’s Buddhist philosophy by saying, “It’s a dream, lads, it’s a dream.”
===================================================
Leo Kerouac
Kerouac’s father died in 1946, and shortly after this, Kerouac sat down and wrote The Town & The City. He promised his dying father that he would always look after his mother.
Doctor Sax – Emil “Pop” Duluoz
Maggie Cassidy – Emil “Pop” Duluoz
The Town and the City – George Martin
Vanity of Duluoz – Emil “Pop” Duluoz
Visions of Gerard – Emil “Pop” Duluoz

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery
or anyone?

Yeah. I'm not trying to monopolize the discussion.

No problem with me on that, any and all feedback on this is of great interest and help for me, I'm going to get this poem polished, yet retain the raw power, if possible.

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery
I don't want to disturb family with having their loved ones exposed in a beatnik poem... although I feel I do honor them all.

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery
=========================================================
This is interesting, the obituary of my uncle, Reverend Clarence Whitley,
from the Daytona Beach Sunday News-Journal - Nov 26, 1980.
https://news.google.com/newspapers?id=bPowAAAAIBAJ&sjid=O-AFAAAAIBAJ&pg=1397%2C5413418
Also, I see my mother was listed, "...a sister, Mrs. (Kelly) Dockery, a
frequent visitor from Columbus, Georgia."
And so it goes.
=====================================================
Uncle Clarence would journey up from Florida every year, and make the rounds visiting family and friends, which often built into some large gatherings.

Post by George Dance

Post by drive-by
cut, print...or keep the original. Many things can fall to the cutting room floor, without destroying the message..in this case, the viewpoint of a young Will..

I think I am maintaining that integrity in the poem...

Well..be done with it then Will..more words written about what you should do, than the original write....think 'too many cooks, spoil the soup"...or stew, or pizza.

I'm the only "cook" here, Jim, but I do appreciate feedback.

I know you like feedback...but over-fed removes the joy of the first taste...:-)

True, think this one's ready for the gallery showing.
:)

Break out 'Hallelujah'...LC

Great song... I just came across this at a great price in a used shop last night.

http://www.popmatters.com/review/72442-leonard-cohen-live-in-london/

A seasoned Leonard Cohen revisits his best song-poems, with an enthusiastic backing band.

[Brooke]

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, other trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched Pops and my Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

Too many 'Uncles' Drop 'and my Uncle' 5th stanza....

One way to cut that "uncle" yet keep him there is to say, "we stood near ... watched our fathers."

It gets more complicated the more the picture goes from impressionism to realist... Jenny's father is actually Uncle Fred, brother of Clarence.

Then you can't use "our fathers" - fair enough.

Yes... I am thinking of either taking the names out again, or Jack Kerouacing it, and giving the characters made up names.
Any thought son the pros and cons of this move, George,

'Kerouacing it' - you can't Kerouac your father, but if you think anyone else'll be embarrassed. I'm sure Rev. Whitley wouldn't be embarrassed about being caught drinking on the sly, but his children might. At the same time, imagine Kerouac bringing in a character and not naming him - these relatives of yours are characters in your mythos.

http://www.beatdom.com/the-beat-generation/whos-who-a-guide-to-kerouacs-characters/
Gabrielle Kerouac
Kerouac’s mother. She remained a huge influence on his life, living with him for much of his adulthood.
Doctor Sax – Ange
On the Road – Sal’s Aunt
The Town and the City – Marguerite Martin
Vanity of Duluoz – Ange
But mostly you are correct.
http://beat_literature.enacademic.com/165/Visions_of_Gerard
his father, Emil, takes second place of importance. Emil has business and health problems and must also endure watching his firstborn slowly die. Kerouac must acknowledge that the realities of making a living and of backbreaking work are quite real. Emil is portrayed as capable of being a “tragic philosopher,” and this quality of mind links him to Gerard. Emil escapes from the death watch in his home on the pretext that he has extra work to do with his assistant Manuel. The two men hit the road in Manuel’s sidecar motorcycle and end up playing cards with some old vaudevillians in downtown Lowell. Legend has it in the Kerouac family that Leo Kerouac met W. C. Fields a time or two and that they played poker together [...] After he and Emil get drunk, Bull reflects Kerouac’s Buddhist philosophy by saying, “It’s a dream, lads, it’s a dream.”
===================================================
Leo Kerouac
Kerouac’s father died in 1946, and shortly after this, Kerouac sat down and wrote The Town & The City. He promised his dying father that he would always look after his mother.
Doctor Sax – Emil “Pop” Duluoz
Maggie Cassidy – Emil “Pop” Duluoz
The Town and the City – George Martin
Vanity of Duluoz – Emil “Pop” Duluoz
Visions of Gerard – Emil “Pop” Duluoz

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery
or anyone?

Yeah. I'm not trying to monopolize the discussion.

No problem with me on that, any and all feedback on this is of great interest and help for me, I'm going to get this poem polished, yet retain the raw power, if possible.

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery
I don't want to disturb family with having their loved ones exposed in a beatnik poem... although I feel I do honor them all.

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery
=========================================================
This is interesting, the obituary of my uncle, Reverend Clarence Whitley,
from the Daytona Beach Sunday News-Journal - Nov 26, 1980.
https://news.google.com/newspapers?id=bPowAAAAIBAJ&sjid=O-AFAAAAIBAJ&pg=1397%2C5413418
Also, I see my mother was listed, "...a sister, Mrs. (Kelly) Dockery, a
frequent visitor from Columbus, Georgia."
And so it goes.
=====================================================
Uncle Clarence would journey up from Florida every year, and make the rounds visiting family and friends, which often built into some large gatherings.

Post by George Dance

Post by drive-by
cut, print...or keep the original. Many things can fall to the cutting room floor, without destroying the message..in this case, the viewpoint of a young Will..

I think I am maintaining that integrity in the poem...

Well..be done with it then Will..more words written about what you should do, than the original write....think 'too many cooks, spoil the soup"...or stew, or pizza.

I'm the only "cook" here, Jim, but I do appreciate feedback.

I know you like feedback...but over-fed removes the joy of the first taste...:-)

Substitute feedback for attention. He likes to be the center of attention at all times, which is why he bumps his posts to the top all the time, even answering himself 5-6 times in a row to do so.

[Will Dockery]

Post by Brooke

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, other trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched Pops and my Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

Too many 'Uncles' Drop 'and my Uncle' 5th stanza....

One way to cut that "uncle" yet keep him there is to say, "we stood near ... watched our fathers."

It gets more complicated the more the picture goes from impressionism to realist... Jenny's father is actually Uncle Fred, brother of Clarence.

Then you can't use "our fathers" - fair enough.

Yes... I am thinking of either taking the names out again, or Jack Kerouacing it, and giving the characters made up names.
Any thought son the pros and cons of this move, George,

'Kerouacing it' - you can't Kerouac your father, but if you think anyone else'll be embarrassed. I'm sure Rev. Whitley wouldn't be embarrassed about being caught drinking on the sly, but his children might. At the same time, imagine Kerouac bringing in a character and not naming him - these relatives of yours are characters in your mythos.

http://www.beatdom.com/the-beat-generation/whos-who-a-guide-to-kerouacs-characters/
Gabrielle Kerouac
Kerouac’s mother. She remained a huge influence on his life, living with him for much of his adulthood.
Doctor Sax – Ange
On the Road – Sal’s Aunt
The Town and the City – Marguerite Martin
Vanity of Duluoz – Ange
But mostly you are correct.
http://beat_literature.enacademic.com/165/Visions_of_Gerard
his father, Emil, takes second place of importance. Emil has business and health problems and must also endure watching his firstborn slowly die. Kerouac must acknowledge that the realities of making a living and of backbreaking work are quite real. Emil is portrayed as capable of being a “tragic philosopher,” and this quality of mind links him to Gerard. Emil escapes from the death watch in his home on the pretext that he has extra work to do with his assistant Manuel. The two men hit the road in Manuel’s sidecar motorcycle and end up playing cards with some old vaudevillians in downtown Lowell. Legend has it in the Kerouac family that Leo Kerouac met W. C. Fields a time or two and that they played poker together [...] After he and Emil get drunk, Bull reflects Kerouac’s Buddhist philosophy by saying, “It’s a dream, lads, it’s a dream.”
===================================================
Leo Kerouac
Kerouac’s father died in 1946, and shortly after this, Kerouac sat down and wrote The Town & The City. He promised his dying father that he would always look after his mother.
Doctor Sax – Emil “Pop” Duluoz
Maggie Cassidy – Emil “Pop” Duluoz
The Town and the City – George Martin
Vanity of Duluoz – Emil “Pop” Duluoz
Visions of Gerard – Emil “Pop” Duluoz

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery
or anyone?

Yeah. I'm not trying to monopolize the discussion.

No problem with me on that, any and all feedback on this is of great interest and help for me, I'm going to get this poem polished, yet retain the raw power, if possible.

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery
I don't want to disturb family with having their loved ones exposed in a beatnik poem... although I feel I do honor them all.

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery
=========================================================
This is interesting, the obituary of my uncle, Reverend Clarence Whitley,
from the Daytona Beach Sunday News-Journal - Nov 26, 1980.
https://news.google.com/newspapers?id=bPowAAAAIBAJ&sjid=O-AFAAAAIBAJ&pg=1397%2C5413418
Also, I see my mother was listed, "...a sister, Mrs. (Kelly) Dockery, a
frequent visitor from Columbus, Georgia."
And so it goes.
=====================================================
Uncle Clarence would journey up from Florida every year, and make the rounds visiting family and friends, which often built into some large gatherings.

Post by George Dance

Post by drive-by
cut, print...or keep the original. Many things can fall to the cutting room floor, without destroying the message..in this case, the viewpoint of a young Will..

I think I am maintaining that integrity in the poem...

Well..be done with it then Will..more words written about what you should do, than the original write....think 'too many cooks, spoil the soup"...or stew, or pizza.

I'm the only "cook" here, Jim, but I do appreciate feedback.

I know you like feedback...but over-fed removes the joy of the first taste...:-)

bumps his posts to the top all the time

Yeah, thanks for that.

😀

[Will Dockery]

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, other trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched Pops and my Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

Too many 'Uncles' Drop 'and my Uncle' 5th stanza....

One way to cut that "uncle" yet keep him there is to say, "we stood near ... watched our fathers."

It gets more complicated the more the picture goes from impressionism to realist... Jenny's father is actually Uncle Fred, brother of Clarence.

Then you can't use "our fathers" - fair enough.

Yes... I am thinking of either taking the names out again, or Jack Kerouacing it, and giving the characters made up names.
Any thought son the pros and cons of this move, George,

'Kerouacing it' - you can't Kerouac your father, but if you think anyone else'll be embarrassed. I'm sure Rev. Whitley wouldn't be embarrassed about being caught drinking on the sly, but his children might.

I'm sure Uncle Clarence wouldn't, it was a tradition of sorts that my dad would do this, and they'd usually go to the fishing hole at some point, a place where most of us went to get a buzz or otherwise relax...

Post by George Dance
At the same time, imagine Kerouac bringing in a character and not naming him - these relatives of yours are characters in your mythos.

Kerouac would name them... literally, he would give all the real people in his stories different names.

And as mentioned earlier, he actually changed his mother to his "Aunt" in his most famous book, "On The Road"... not sure if I ever read the exact reason why.

Sometimes Kerouac would switch entire cities... for example, in "The Subterraneans", he moved the locale from New York City to San Francisco.

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery
or anyone?

Yeah. I'm not trying to monopolize the discussion.

Go ahead, everyone else seems to have lost interest.

:)

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery
I don't want to disturb family with having their loved ones exposed in a beatnik poem... although I feel I do honor them all.

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery
=========================================================
This is interesting, the obituary of my uncle, Reverend Clarence Whitley,
from the Daytona Beach Sunday News-Journal - Nov 26, 1980.
https://news.google.com/newspapers?id=bPowAAAAIBAJ&sjid=O-AFAAAAIBAJ&pg=1397%2C5413418
Also, I see my mother was listed, "...a sister, Mrs. (Kelly) Dockery, a
frequent visitor from Columbus, Georgia."
And so it goes.
=====================================================
Uncle Clarence would journey up from Florida every year, and make the rounds visiting family and friends, which often built into some large gatherings.

Post by George Dance

Post by drive-by
cut, print...or keep the original. Many things can fall to the cutting room floor, without destroying the message..in this case, the viewpoint of a young Will..
J

[Will Dockery]

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, other trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched Pops and my Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

Too many 'Uncles' Drop 'and my Uncle' 5th stanza....

One way to cut that "uncle" yet keep him there is to say, "we stood near ... watched our fathers."

It gets more complicated the more the picture goes from impressionism to realist... Jenny's father is actually Uncle Fred, brother of Clarence.

Then you can't use "our fathers" - fair enough.

Yes... I am thinking of either taking the names out again, or Jack Kerouacing it, and giving the characters made up names.
Any thought son the pros and cons of this move, George,

'Kerouacing it' - you can't Kerouac your father, but if you think anyone else'll be embarrassed. I'm sure Rev. Whitley wouldn't be embarrassed about being caught drinking on the sly, but his children might.

I'm thinking more of my cousin Jennifer here, who is now close to my age...

Post by George Dance
At the same time, imagine Kerouac bringing in a character and not naming him - these relatives of yours are characters in your mythos.

Post by Will Dockery
or anyone?

Yeah. I'm not trying to monopolize the discussion.

Post by Will Dockery
I don't want to disturb family with having their loved ones exposed in a beatnik poem... although I feel I do honor them all.

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery
=========================================================
This is interesting, the obituary of my uncle, Reverend Clarence Whitley,
from the Daytona Beach Sunday News-Journal - Nov 26, 1980.
https://news.google.com/newspapers?id=bPowAAAAIBAJ&sjid=O-AFAAAAIBAJ&pg=1397%2C5413418
Also, I see my mother was listed, "...a sister, Mrs. (Kelly) Dockery, a
frequent visitor from Columbus, Georgia."
And so it goes.
=====================================================
Uncle Clarence would journey up from Florida every year, and make the rounds visiting family and friends, which often built into some large gatherings.

Post by George Dance

Post by drive-by
cut, print...or keep the original. Many things can fall to the cutting room floor, without destroying the message..in this case, the viewpoint of a young Will...

[u***@gmail.com]

I want loved ones exposed. I feel them all.

Edited for focus

[Will Dockery]

Post by u***@gmail.com

I want loved ones exposed. I feel them all.

Edited for focus

"Try to have your post-edits make sense." -Dennis M. Hammes

:)

[u***@gmail.com]

Post by Will Dockery

Post by u***@gmail.com

I want loved ones exposed. I feel them all.

Edited for focus

your post-edits make sense.

[Will Dockery]

Post by Will Dockery

Post by u***@gmail.com

I want loved ones exposed. I feel them all.

Edited for focus

your post-edits make sense.

Thanks for the bump...

😀

[Will Dockery]

With Pendragon's permission George will repost his rewrite/obpoem here.

😀

[drive-by]

Post by Will Dockery
With Pendragon's permission George will repost his rewrite/obpoem here.
😀

Permission is key...although public

[Will Dockery]

Yes, I'm seeing the finished poem landing somewhere in between the two current versions.

[Will Dockery]

- show quoted text -

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery

Post by drive-by
Too many 'Uncles' Drop 'and my Uncle' 5th stanza....cut, print...or keep the original. Many things can fall to the cutting room floor, without destroying the message..in this case, the viewpoint of a young Will..
J

Yes, I'm seeing that... too much exposition that the reader can find on his own if he has the interest, as it should be with poetry.
Apple Montage
I was sneaking around
smoking menthol
among the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
I stood near
as a crowd
watched my father and Uncle.
They were cooking apple butter
stirring the brown gunk
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
Breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn
then to be breathing
the hot misty steam
.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of these trees.
And other trees
behind those trees
past a field.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery
.

Well...you decide. You've got my opinion..from the first time discussed.
Your recollection is short and sweet, no need to tell us how many bears were hiding in the trees you mention. I try read as someone outside this group, and found your poem a simple memory, with no need for explanation beyond what you wrote.. Move on to 'Magic' keeping as tight.
Jim

Yes, the more I look at it, the more the naming of names distracts...

Clutters, I would call it.

You think I went to far on the new version, Jim?

I do "feel" that the flow I had is broken down somewhat by the names and added details, but it seems to still work, yet almost as a different poem.

[drive-by]

Post by Will Dockery
- show quoted text -

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery

Post by drive-by
Too many 'Uncles' Drop 'and my Uncle' 5th stanza....cut, print...or keep the original. Many things can fall to the cutting room floor, without destroying the message..in this case, the viewpoint of a young Will..
J

Yes, I'm seeing that... too much exposition that the reader can find on his own if he has the interest, as it should be with poetry.
Apple Montage
I was sneaking around
smoking menthol
among the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
I stood near
as a crowd
watched my father and Uncle.
They were cooking apple butter
stirring the brown gunk
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
Breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn
then to be breathing
the hot misty steam
.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of these trees.
And other trees
behind those trees
past a field.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery
.

Well...you decide. You've got my opinion..from the first time discussed.
Your recollection is short and sweet, no need to tell us how many bears were hiding in the trees you mention. I try read as someone outside this group, and found your poem a simple memory, with no need for explanation beyond what you wrote.. Move on to 'Magic' keeping as tight.
Jim

Yes, the more I look at it, the more the naming of names distracts...

Clutters, I would call it.

You think I went to far on the new version, Jim?
I do "feel" that the flow I had is broken down somewhat by the names and added details, but it seems to still work, yet almost as a different poem.

I've said my piece...now the damn thing is bruised..kicked around way too much.

[Will Dockery]

Bruised?

I like to think my poetry is sturdy enough to take some critical commentary, Jim.

😀

[drive-by]

Post by Will Dockery
Bruised?
I like to think my poetry is sturdy enough to take some critical commentary, Jim.
😀

Will...that poem isn't exactly lengthy..and the poor thing has been tossed and turned like Caesar salad forever and a day. It was sturdy..you are doubting it after the 'critical' commentary...my commentary was positive, still is.

[Will Dockery]

Thanks, Jim... this one's a keeper, for sure.

😀

[drive-by]

Post by Will Dockery
Thanks, Jim... this one's a keeper, for sure.
😀

Yup..

[Will Dockery]

Post by Will Dockery
Thanks, Jim... this one's a keeper, for sure.
😀

Yup..

:)

[Will Dockery]

Post by drive-by
Will...that poem isn't exactly lengthy..and the poor thing has been tossed and turned like Caesar salad forever and a day. It was sturdy..you are doubting it after the 'critical' commentary...my commentary was positive, still is.

Jim, I just had a look at the two versions side-by-side, and really don't see the severe damage you diagnose... I seriously feel either version is serviceable:

==========================================================

Apple Montage

Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.

Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.

To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.

There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, other trees.

Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched Pops and my Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.

I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.

I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.

The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.

-Will Dockery

Or the original, for comparison:

Apple Montage

I was sneaking around
smoking menthol
among the sheds.

Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.

I stood near
as a crowd
watched my father and Uncle.

They were cooking apple butter
stirring the brown gunk
boiling in a huge black kettle.

I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.

Breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn
then to be breathing
the hot misty steam
.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.

There were several
of these trees.
And other trees
behind those trees
past a field.

The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.

-Will Dockery

=================================================

I will admit I can't decide which version I like the best, both are very strong, and I have to say I am proud of the results on such a "tossed off" little ditty.

:)

[drive-by]

Post by Will Dockery

Post by drive-by
Will...that poem isn't exactly lengthy..and the poor thing has been tossed and turned like Caesar salad forever and a day. It was sturdy..you are doubting it after the 'critical' commentary...my commentary was positive, still is.

==========================================================
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, other trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched Pops and my Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery
Apple Montage
I was sneaking around
smoking menthol
among the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
I stood near
as a crowd
watched my father and Uncle.
They were cooking apple butter
stirring the brown gunk
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
Breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn
then to be breathing
the hot misty steam
.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of these trees.
And other trees
behind those trees
past a field.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery
=================================================
I will admit I can't decide which version I like the best, both are very strong, and I have to say I am proud of the results on such a "tossed off" little ditty.
:)

Don't think I used the word 'severe' but bruised....

Will you seem to be acting like a new poet....I do think you're more unsure because you go into great detail with most work...this is outside your vision, a less is more thing, maybe you should try several, get the feeling and let em go, like raising children.....

I like the first and will always like the first best...of course I realize it can go on and on...some of the best songs are mere minutes...you have my point of view (several times) now make a decision and move along...:-)

J

[Michael Pendragon]

How's this?

Apple Montage

I was sneaking around
with cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
behind the sheds;
late summer vacation, 1973,
in the backwoods of Tennessee.

I stood near
as a crowd
watched my father and Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk
boiling in a huge black kettle.

I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.

I went from
breathing cold mist
out back,
to breathing
the hot, misty steam.

To the right,
behind the barn,
were apple trees.

There were several
of these trees,
and other trees
behind those,
past a field.

The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong wine.

[Will Dockery]

Post by Michael Pendragon
How's this?
Apple Montage
I was sneaking around
with cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
behind the sheds;
late summer vacation, 1973,
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
I stood near
as a crowd
watched my father and Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back,
to breathing
the hot, misty steam.
To the right,
behind the barn,
were apple trees.
There were several
of these trees,
and other trees
behind those,
past a field.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong wine.

Very smooth, Pendragon.

:)

[Will Dockery]

Post by Michael Pendragon
How's this?
Apple Montage
I was sneaking around
with cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
behind the sheds;
late summer vacation, 1973,
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
I stood near
as a crowd
watched my father and Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back,
to breathing
the hot, misty steam.
To the right,
behind the barn,
were apple trees.
There were several
of these trees,
and other trees
behind those,
past a field.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong wine.
-Will Dockery

Noe that is smooth, Pendragon.

😀

[Will Dockery]

Post by Michael Pendragon
How's this?
Apple Montage
I was sneaking around
with cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
behind the sheds;
late summer vacation, 1973,
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
I stood near
as a crowd
watched my father and Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back,
to breathing
the hot, misty steam.
To the right,
behind the barn,
were apple trees.
There were several
of these trees,
and other trees
behind those,
past a field.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong wine.
-Will Dockery

Quite smooth, Michael... this might be the final edit, so far.

:)

[George Dance]

Post by Michael Pendragon
How's this?
Apple Montage
I was sneaking around
with cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
behind the sheds;
late summer vacation, 1973,
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
I stood near
as a crowd
watched my father and Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back,
to breathing
the hot, misty steam.
To the right,
behind the barn,
were apple trees.
There were several
of these trees,
and other trees
behind those,
past a field.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong wine.

That keeps the biggest problem with the original - the description of the apple orchard, field, and trees behind it, coming after the climactic moment.

It's not logical that it should happen there, and it probably didn't. It makes sense that he'd notice the landscape when he's out back smoking a cigarette with his cousin, but not when he's part of a "crowd" watching his father and uncle make apple butter. He's looking at his father and uncle and what they're doing, not his surroundings.

[Michael Pendragon]

Post by George Dance

Post by Michael Pendragon
How's this?
Apple Montage
I was sneaking around
with cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
behind the sheds;
late summer vacation, 1973,
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
I stood near
as a crowd
watched my father and Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back,
to breathing
the hot, misty steam.
To the right,
behind the barn,
were apple trees.
There were several
of these trees,
and other trees
behind those,
past a field.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong wine.

That keeps the biggest problem with the original - the description of the apple orchard, field, and trees behind it, coming after the climactic moment.
It's not logical that it should happen there, and it probably didn't. It makes sense that he'd notice the landscape when he's out back smoking a cigarette with his cousin, but not when he's part of a "crowd" watching his father and uncle make apple butter. He's looking at his father and uncle and what they're doing, not his surroundings.

I think they work better here. I find it more significant that he notices the landscape after his father passes the bottle. Prior to that incident, he was busy worrying about getting caught smoking. After the incident, he can relax a little and take in all the sights and smells of his environment.

And, more importantly, the layers of trees reads like a realization -- perhaps a subconscious semi-realization -- that there is much more to life/his environment/his relations with others than he had previously been aware. As such, it should come after the bottle-passing.

[Will Dockery]

Post by Michael Pendragon

Post by George Dance

Post by Michael Pendragon
How's this?
Apple Montage
I was sneaking around
with cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
behind the sheds;
late summer vacation, 1973,
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
I stood near
as a crowd
watched my father and Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back,
to breathing
the hot, misty steam.
To the right,
behind the barn,
were apple trees.
There were several
of these trees,
and other trees
behind those,
past a field.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong wine.

That keeps the biggest problem with the original - the description of the apple orchard, field, and trees behind it, coming after the climactic moment.
It's not logical that it should happen there, and it probably didn't. It makes sense that he'd notice the landscape when he's out back smoking a cigarette with his cousin, but not when he's part of a "crowd" watching his father and uncle make apple butter. He's looking at his father and uncle and what they're doing, not his surroundings.

I think they work better here. I find it more significant that he notices the landscape after his father passes the bottle. Prior to that incident, he was busy worrying about getting caught smoking. After the incident, he can relax a little and take in all the sights and smells of his environment.
And, more importantly, the layers of trees reads like a realization -- perhaps a subconscious semi-realization -- that there is much more to life/his environment/his relations with others than he had previously been aware. As such, it should come after the bottle-passing.

Can't see the forest for the trees kind of riff.

[drive-by]

Post by George Dance

Post by Michael Pendragon
How's this?
Apple Montage
I was sneaking around
with cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
behind the sheds;
late summer vacation, 1973,
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
I stood near
as a crowd
watched my father and Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back,
to breathing
the hot, misty steam.
To the right,
behind the barn,
were apple trees.
There were several
of these trees,
and other trees
behind those,
past a field.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong wine.

That keeps the biggest problem with the original - the description of the apple orchard, field, and trees behind it, coming after the climactic moment.
It's not logical that it should happen there, and it probably didn't. It makes sense that he'd notice the landscape when he's out back smoking a cigarette with his cousin, but not when he's part of a "crowd" watching his father and uncle make apple butter. He's looking at his father and uncle and what they're doing, not his surroundings.

Are you saying you cannot be in a crowd and not notice anything else beyond the focus...as if the head and eyes don't move...stunned, a deer in the headlight type of thing? Nonsense.

"As to the "controversy" it's stirred up, I'm with Jim. Or, to quote a popular saw: If it ain't broke, don't fix it (except for grammar and punctuation, of course)."

Gee, thanks Michael..

Move on Will......

[Will Dockery]

I wouldn't say I'm unsure, exactly... just work shopping this one in public for a change.

[drive-by]

Post by Will Dockery
I wouldn't say I'm unsure, exactly... just work shopping this one in public for a change.

Yes, you're unsure...:-)

[Will Dockery]

I lean to the later version, I just want to get as much of the smoothness of the original in there that can remain.

[drive-by]

Post by Will Dockery
I lean to the later version, I just want to get as much of the smoothness of the original in there that can remain.

So the 'smoothness' you speak, becomes smoother?


Post the original here..once again please, under what you are torn over..

J

[Will Dockery]

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery
I lean to the later version, I just want to get as much of the smoothness of the original in there that can remain.

So the 'smoothness' you speak, becomes smoother?
Post the original here..once again please, under what you are torn over..
J

I'm on the mobile gizmo right now but I can bump the original to the top again...

Next post.

[Will Dockery]

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery
Bruised?
I like to think my poetry is sturdy enough to take some critical commentary, Jim.
😀

Will...that poem isn't exactly lengthy..and the poor thing has been tossed and turned like Caesar salad forever and a day. It was sturdy..you are doubting it after the 'critical' commentary...my commentary was positive, still is.

I didn't exactly see the comments as negativism critical, Pendragon in fact gave it a "One of your best" nod...

Just some suggestions for focus, as I saw them.

[drive-by]

Post by Will Dockery

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery
Bruised?
I like to think my poetry is sturdy enough to take some critical commentary, Jim.
😀

Will...that poem isn't exactly lengthy..and the poor thing has been tossed and turned like Caesar salad forever and a day. It was sturdy..you are doubting it after the 'critical' commentary...my commentary was positive, still is.

I didn't exactly see the comments as negativism critical, Pendragon in fact gave it a "One of your best" nod...
Just some suggestions for focus, as I saw them.

Then why the hell are we going round and round..you are the one that seems not entirely satisfied...you were before 'suggestions for focus'..now you have me asking to see the original, see if I was wrong... after I've said it was a good write...it's a good write....I'll say no more on it. :-)

[drive-by]

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery
Bruised?
I like to think my poetry is sturdy enough to take some critical commentary, Jim.
😀

Will...that poem isn't exactly lengthy..and the poor thing has been tossed and turned like Caesar salad forever and a day. It was sturdy..you are doubting it after the 'critical' commentary...my commentary was positive, still is.

I didn't exactly see the comments as negativism critical, Pendragon in fact gave it a "One of your best" nod...
Just some suggestions for focus, as I saw them.

Then why the hell are we going round and round..you are the one that seems not entirely satisfied...you were before 'suggestions for focus'..now you have me asking to see the original, see if I was wrong... after I've said it was a good write...it's a good write....I'll say no more on it. :-)

Here you go Will....I did a Google translate into Russian, for your friends over there....:-)

Apple Montage

Post by drive-by
Я пробирался вокруг
Курение ментола
среди сараев.
Поздние летние каникулы 1973
в глуши Теннесси.
Я стоял рядом
как толпа
смотрел мой отец и дядя.
Они готовили яблочное масло
перемешивание коричневого мусора
кипящий в огромном черном чайнике.
Я видел своего отца
тайно пройти
бутылка вина
моему дяде Кларенсу.
Дыхание холодного тумана
назад за сарай
потом дышать
горячий туманный пар
.
Справа
за сараем
были яблони.
Было несколько
этих деревьев.
И другие деревья
за этими деревьями
мимо поля.
В воздухе пахло яблочными дымами
и сильная выпивка.
-Вопросы

[Will Dockery]

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery
Bruised?
I like to think my poetry is sturdy enough to take some critical commentary, Jim.
😀

Will...that poem isn't exactly lengthy..and the poor thing has been tossed and turned like Caesar salad forever and a day. It was sturdy..you are doubting it after the 'critical' commentary...my commentary was positive, still is.

I didn't exactly see the comments as negativism critical, Pendragon in fact gave it a "One of your best" nod...
Just some suggestions for focus, as I saw them.

Then why the hell are we going round and round..you are the one that seems not entirely satisfied...you were before 'suggestions for focus'..now you have me asking to see the original, see if I was wrong... after I've said it was a good write...it's a good write....I'll say no more on it. :-)

Jim, I just got home and was planning to send your Russian translation to my friend in Moscow, Olga Raschupkina:

https://www.reverbnation.com/fan/olgaraschupkina

But I see you done went and did a Corey on me.

:)

[drive-by]

Post by Will Dockery

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery
Bruised?
I like to think my poetry is sturdy enough to take some critical commentary, Jim.
😀

Will...that poem isn't exactly lengthy..and the poor thing has been tossed and turned like Caesar salad forever and a day. It was sturdy..you are doubting it after the 'critical' commentary...my commentary was positive, still is.

I didn't exactly see the comments as negativism critical, Pendragon in fact gave it a "One of your best" nod...
Just some suggestions for focus, as I saw them.

Then why the hell are we going round and round..you are the one that seems not entirely satisfied...you were before 'suggestions for focus'..now you have me asking to see the original, see if I was wrong... after I've said it was a good write...it's a good write....I'll say no more on it. :-)

https://www.reverbnation.com/fan/olgaraschupkina
But I see you done went and did a Corey on me.
:)

OH..thought it didn't go over well for you...here it is:


Apple Montage

Прокрасться
с Cousin Jenny,
курить ментол
за пределами сараев.

Поздние летние каникулы 1973
в глубине Теннесси.

Справа
за сараем
были яблони.

Было несколько
этих деревьев
и другие деревья
за ними
за пределами поля
и за ними, другие деревья.

Позже я стоял рядом
как толпа
посмотрел Pops и мой дядя
приготовление яблочного масла;
шевелить коричневый мусор,
кипя в огромном черном чайнике.

Я увидел своего отца
тайно пройти
бутылка вина
к моему дяде Кларенсу.

Я пошел от
дышать холодным туманом
назад за сарай,
дышать
горячий туманный пар.

Воздух пахло яблочными дымам
и сил�

[drive-by]

Post by Will Dockery

Post by Will Dockery

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery
Bruised?
I like to think my poetry is sturdy enough to take some critical commentary, Jim.
😀

Will...that poem isn't exactly lengthy..and the poor thing has been tossed and turned like Caesar salad forever and a day. It was sturdy..you are doubting it after the 'critical' commentary...my commentary was positive, still is.

I didn't exactly see the comments as negativism critical, Pendragon in fact gave it a "One of your best" nod...
Just some suggestions for focus, as I saw them.

Then why the hell are we going round and round..you are the one that seems not entirely satisfied...you were before 'suggestions for focus'..now you have me asking to see the original, see if I was wrong... after I've said it was a good write...it's a good write....I'll say no more on it. :-)

https://www.reverbnation.com/fan/olgaraschupkina
But I see you done went and did a Corey on me.
:)

Apple Montage
Прокрасться
с Cousin Jenny,
курить ментол
за пределами сараев.
Поздние летние каникулы 1973
в глубине Теннесси.
Справа
за сараем
были яблони.
Было несколько
этих деревьев
и другие деревья
за ними
за пределами поля
и за ними, другие деревья.
Позже я стоял рядом
как толпа
посмотрел Pops и мой дядя
приготовление яблочного масла;
шевелить коричневый мусор,
кипя в огромном черном чайнике.
Я увидел своего отца
тайно пройти
бутылка вина
к моему дяде Кларенсу.
Я пошел от
дышать холодным туманом
назад за сарай,
дышать
горячий туманный пар.
Воздух пахло яблочными дымам
и сильная выпивка.
-Will Dockery

and the original I perfer:

Apple Montage

Post by Will Dockery
Я пробирался вокруг
Курение ментола
среди сараев.
Поздние летние каникулы 1973
в глуши Теннесси.
Я стоял рядом
как толпа
смотрел мой отец и дядя.
Они готовили яблочное масло
перемешивание коричневого мусора
кипящий в огромном черном чайнике.
Я видел своего отца
тайно пройти
бутылка вина
моему дяде Кларенсу.
Дыхание холодного тумана
назад за сарай
потом дышать
горячий туманный пар
.
Справа
за сараем
были яблони.
Было несколько
этих деревьев.
И другие деревья
за этими деревьями
мимо поля.
В воздухе пахло яблочными дымами
и сильная выпивка.
-Вопросы

[Will Dockery]

Post by Will Dockery

Post by Will Dockery

Post by Will Dockery

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery
Bruised?
I like to think my poetry is sturdy enough to take some critical commentary, Jim.
😀

Will...that poem isn't exactly lengthy..and the poor thing has been tossed and turned like Caesar salad forever and a day. It was sturdy..you are doubting it after the 'critical' commentary...my commentary was positive, still is.

I didn't exactly see the comments as negativism critical, Pendragon in fact gave it a "One of your best" nod...
Just some suggestions for focus, as I saw them.

Then why the hell are we going round and round..you are the one that seems not entirely satisfied...you were before 'suggestions for focus'..now you have me asking to see the original, see if I was wrong... after I've said it was a good write...it's a good write....I'll say no more on it. :-)

https://www.reverbnation.com/fan/olgaraschupkina
But I see you done went and did a Corey on me.
:)

Apple Montage
Прокрасться
с Cousin Jenny,
курить ментол
за пределами сараев.
Поздние летние каникулы 1973
в глубине Теннесси.
Справа
за сараем
были яблони.
Было несколько
этих деревьев
и другие деревья
за ними
за пределами поля
и за ними, другие деревья.
Позже я стоял рядом
как толпа
посмотрел Pops и мой дядя
приготовление яблочного масла;
шевелить коричневый мусор,
кипя в огромном черном чайнике.
Я увидел своего отца
тайно пройти
бутылка вина
к моему дяде Кларенсу.
Я пошел от
дышать холодным туманом
назад за сарай,
дышать
горячий туманный пар.
Воздух пахло яблочными дымам
и сильная выпивка.
-Will Dockery

Apple Montage

Post by Will Dockery
Я пробирался вокруг
Курение ментола
среди сараев.
Поздние летние каникулы 1973
в глуши Теннесси.
Я стоял рядом
как толпа
смотрел мой отец и дядя.
Они готовили яблочное масло
перемешивание коричневого мусора
кипящий в огромном черном чайнике.
Я видел своего отца
тайно пройти
бутылка вина
моему дяде Кларенсу.
Дыхание холодного тумана
назад за сарай
потом дышать
горячий туманный пар
.
Справа
за сараем
были яблони.
Было несколько
этих деревьев.
И другие деревья
за этими деревьями
мимо поля.
В воздухе пахло яблочными дымами
и сильная выпивка.
-Вопросы

Jim

Is "Вопросы" supposed to be "Will Dockery" in Russian? No, I see that word is "Questions"...

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage

I Went Around

Post by Will Dockery

Post by Will Dockery
Smoking menthol
among the sheds.
Late summer holidays 1973
in the wilderness of Tennessee.
I stood nearby
like a crowd
looked my father and uncle.
They cooked apple oil
stirring brown garbage
boiling in a huge black kettle.

I saw my father

Post by Will Dockery

Post by Will Dockery
secretly pass
a bottle of wine
to my uncle Clarence.
Breath of cold fog
back behind the barn
then breathe
hot misty steam
.
Right
behind the shed
there were apple trees.
There were several
these trees.
And other trees
behind these trees
past the field.
The air smelled of apple smok

[drive-by]

Post by Will Dockery

Post by Will Dockery

Post by Will Dockery

Post by Will Dockery

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery
Bruised?
I like to think my poetry is sturdy enough to take some critical commentary, Jim.
😀

Will...that poem isn't exactly lengthy..and the poor thing has been tossed and turned like Caesar salad forever and a day. It was sturdy..you are doubting it after the 'critical' commentary...my commentary was positive, still is.

I didn't exactly see the comments as negativism critical, Pendragon in fact gave it a "One of your best" nod...
Just some suggestions for focus, as I saw them.

Then why the hell are we going round and round..you are the one that seems not entirely satisfied...you were before 'suggestions for focus'..now you have me asking to see the original, see if I was wrong... after I've said it was a good write...it's a good write....I'll say no more on it. :-)

https://www.reverbnation.com/fan/olgaraschupkina
But I see you done went and did a Corey on me.
:)

Apple Montage
Прокрасться
с Cousin Jenny,
курить ментол
за пределами сараев.
Поздние летние каникулы 1973
в глубине Теннесси.
Справа
за сараем
были яблони.
Было несколько
этих деревьев
и другие деревья
за ними
за пределами поля
и за ними, другие деревья.
Позже я стоял рядом
как толпа
посмотрел Pops и мой дядя
приготовление яблочного масла;
шевелить коричневый мусор,
кипя в огромном черном чайнике.
Я увидел своего отца
тайно пройти
бутылка вина
к моему дяде Кларенсу.
Я пошел от
дышать холодным туманом
назад за сарай,
дышать
горячий туманный пар.
Воздух пахло яблочными дымам
и сильная выпивка.
-Will Dockery

Apple Montage

Post by Will Dockery
Я пробирался вокруг
Курение ментола
среди сараев.
Поздние летние каникулы 1973
в глуши Теннесси.
Я стоял рядом
как толпа
смотрел мой отец и дядя.
Они готовили яблочное масло
перемешивание коричневого мусора
кипящий в огромном черном чайнике.
Я видел своего отца
тайно пройти
бутылка вина
моему дяде Кларенсу.
Дыхание холодного тумана
назад за сарай
потом дышать
горячий туманный пар
.
Справа
за сараем
были яблони.
Было несколько
этих деревьев.
И другие деревья
за этими деревьями
мимо поля.
В воздухе пахло яблочными дымами
и сильная выпивка.
-Вопросы

Jim

Is "Вопросы" supposed to be "Will Dockery" in Russian? No, I see that word is "Questions"...

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage

I Went Around

Post by Will Dockery

Post by Will Dockery
Smoking menthol
among the sheds.
Late summer holidays 1973
in the wilderness of Tennessee.
I stood nearby
like a crowd
looked my father and uncle.
They cooked apple oil
stirring brown garbage
boiling in a huge black kettle.

I saw my father

Post by Will Dockery

Post by Will Dockery
secretly pass
a bottle of wine
to my uncle Clarence.
Breath of cold fog
back behind the barn
then breathe
hot misty steam
.
Right
behind the shed
there were apple trees.
There were several
these trees.
And other trees
behind these trees
past the field.
The air smelled of apple smoke
and strong binge drinking.
-Questions

There were two translations from Google, Will....the second I sent was the one I think covered your first write..which for me is the keeper....and yes, back to English is a lau

[Will Dockery]

Post by Will Dockery

Post by Will Dockery

Post by Will Dockery

Post by Will Dockery

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery
Bruised?
I like to think my poetry is sturdy enough to take some critical commentary, Jim.
😀

Will...that poem isn't exactly lengthy..and the poor thing has been tossed and turned like Caesar salad forever and a day. It was sturdy..you are doubting it after the 'critical' commentary...my commentary was positive, still is.

I didn't exactly see the comments as negativism critical, Pendragon in fact gave it a "One of your best" nod...
Just some suggestions for focus, as I saw them.

Then why the hell are we going round and round..you are the one that seems not entirely satisfied...you were before 'suggestions for focus'..now you have me asking to see the original, see if I was wrong... after I've said it was a good write...it's a good write....I'll say no more on it. :-)

https://www.reverbnation.com/fan/olgaraschupkina
But I see you done went and did a Corey on me.
:)

Apple Montage
Прокрасться
с Cousin Jenny,
курить ментол
за пределами сараев.
Поздние летние каникулы 1973
в глубине Теннесси.
Справа
за сараем
были яблони.
Было несколько
этих деревьев
и другие деревья
за ними
за пределами поля
и за ними, другие деревья.
Позже я стоял рядом
как толпа
посмотрел Pops и мой дядя
приготовление яблочного масла;
шевелить коричневый мусор,
кипя в огромном черном чайнике.
Я увидел своего отца
тайно пройти
бутылка вина
к моему дяде Кларенсу.
Я пошел от
дышать холодным туманом
назад за сарай,
дышать
горячий туманный пар.
Воздух пахло яблочными дымам
и сильная выпивка.
-Will Dockery

Apple Montage

Post by Will Dockery
Я пробирался вокруг
Курение ментола
среди сараев.
Поздние летние каникулы 1973
в глуши Теннесси.
Я стоял рядом
как толпа
смотрел мой отец и дядя.
Они готовили яблочное масло
перемешивание коричневого мусора
кипящий в огромном черном чайнике.
Я видел своего отца
тайно пройти
бутылка вина
моему дяде Кларенсу.
Дыхание холодного тумана
назад за сарай
потом дышать
горячий туманный пар
.
Справа
за сараем
были яблони.
Было несколько
этих деревьев.
И другие деревья
за этими деревьями
мимо поля.
В воздухе пахло яблочными дымами
и сильная выпивка.
-Вопросы

Jim

Is "Вопросы" supposed to be "Will Dockery" in Russian? No, I see that word is "Questions"...

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage

I Went Around

Post by Will Dockery

Post by Will Dockery
Smoking menthol
among the sheds.
Late summer holidays 1973
in the wilderness of Tennessee.
I stood nearby
like a crowd
looked my father and uncle.
They cooked apple oil
stirring brown garbage
boiling in a huge black kettle.

I saw my father

Post by Will Dockery

Post by Will Dockery
secretly pass
a bottle of wine
to my uncle Clarence.
Breath of cold fog
back behind the barn
then breathe
hot misty steam
.
Right
behind the shed
there were apple trees.
There were several
these trees.
And other trees
behind these trees
past the field.
The air smelled of apple smoke
and strong binge drinking.
-Questions

There were two translations from Google, Will....the second I sent was the one I think covered your first write..which for me is the keeper....and yes, back to English is a laugh...:-) Those last two lines, funny as hell..
J

Yes...

"The air smelled of apple smoke
and strong binge drinking."

Is definitely not what I intend to co

[Will Dockery]

Post by Will Dockery

Post by Will Dockery
https://www.reverbnation.com/fan/olgaraschupkina
But I see you done went and did a Corey on me.
:)

Apple Montage
Прокрасться
с Cousin Jenny,
курить ментол
за пределами сараев.
Поздние летние каникулы 1973
в глубине Теннесси.
Справа
за сараем
были яблони.
Было несколько
этих деревьев
и другие деревья
за ними
за пределами поля
и за ними, другие деревья.
Позже я стоял рядом
как толпа
посмотрел Pops и мой дядя
приготовление яблочного масла;
шевелить коричневый мусор,
кипя в огромном черном чайнике.
Я увидел своего отца
тайно пройти
бутылка вина
к моему дяде Кларенсу.
Я пошел от
дышать холодным туманом
назад за сарай,
дышать
горячий туманный пар.
Воздух пахло яблочными дымам
и сильная выпивка.
-Will Dockery

I like the way this translation catches a good smooth flow, as the original intends to have:

Apple Montage

 Sneak
 with Cousin Jenny,
 smoking menthol
 outside the sheds.

 Late summer holidays 1973
 in the depths of Tennessee.

 On right
 behind the shed
 there were apple trees.

 There were several
 these trees
 and other trees
 after them
 off-field
 and behind them, other trees.

 Later, I stood nearby
 like a crowd
 looked Pops and my uncle
 cooking apple oil;
 wiggle brown rubbish,
 boiling in a huge black kettle.

 I saw my father
 secretly pass through
 a bottle of wine
 to my uncle Clarence.

 I went from
 to breathe in a cold mist
 back for the barn,
 breathe
 hot misty steam.

 The air smelled of apple smoke
 and strong binge.

 -Will Dockery

Besides a couple of obvious errors which could be corrected, this would stand well sent over to my Russian Comrades.

I will send this link off to Olga and get her feedback.

:)

[Will Dockery]

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery
Bruised?
I like to think my poetry is sturdy enough to take some critical commentary, Jim.
😀

Will...that poem isn't exactly lengthy..and the poor thing has been tossed and turned like Caesar salad forever and a day. It was sturdy..you are doubting it after the 'critical' commentary...my commentary was positive, still is.

And in looking back, Pendragon agreed with you, Jim:

=============================================================

https://groups.google.com/d/msg/alt.arts.poetry.comments/eH4wPMmn0oI/__KEQnHVAwAJ

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery
I'll post the new thread at midnight...Corey will choose the next poet to offer a topic...

A quick one before the deadline of the Midnight Hour...

This is, IMO, one of your best works. The plot is clear, and doesn't require any knowledge of your personal life/the Shadowville mythos to make sense.

As to the "controversy" it's stirred up, I'm with Jim. Or, to quote a popular saw: If it ain't broke, don't fix it (except for grammar and punctuation, of course).

Post by drive-by
Apple Montage
I was sneaking around[,]
smoking menthol
[behind] the sheds[;]
[l]ate summer vacation[,] 1973[']
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
I stood near
as a crowd
watched my father and Uncle[]

[]cooking apple butter[;]

Post by drive-by
stirring the brown gunk[,]
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
[I went from] [b]reathing cold mist
out back behind the barn[,]
[]to[]breathing
the hot misty steam[.]
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of these trees.
And other trees
behind those trees[,]
past a field.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong [wine].

"Booze" denotes liquor.
- hide quoted text -

Post by drive-by
I want to work on this one a while more, but that's a first draft for the Sunday Sampler.

===============================================================

The only real change Pendragon suggested was turning "booze" into wine.

[Brooke]

Post by Will Dockery
Bruised?
I like to think my poetry is sturdy enough to take some critical commentary, Jim.
😀

But you're not,which is why you cry, stomp your flat feet, then fly off the handle any time someone calls your poetry the slop that it is. Then your asskissers rush in to apply the salve to your butt hurt.

[Cujo DeSockpuppet]

Post by Brooke

Post by Will Dockery
Bruised?
I like to think my poetry is sturdy enough to take some critical commentary, Jim.
😀

But you're not,which is why you cry, stomp your flat feet, then fly
off the handle any time someone calls your poetry the slop that it is.
Then your asskissers

You misspelled "enablers". HTH!

Post by Brooke
rush in to apply the salve to your butt hurt.

Will ought to try thinking. Anyone got a spare neuron or two they despise?

[Will Dockery]

This is interesting, the obituary of my uncle, Reverend Clarence Whitley,
from the Daytona Beach Sunday News-Journal - Nov 26, 1980.

https://news.google.com/newspapers?id=bPowAAAAIBAJ&sjid=O-AFAAAAIBAJ&pg=1397%2C5413418

My Uncle, Clarence W. Whitley, was a Methodist minister from the 1950s-1980s, toured Florida as Minister of countless churches down there (part of the Methodist system is to send the preachers to different churches every few years, but I don't know all the details), and he was my favorite Uncle in many ways. And so that goes, my memories of Reverend C. W, Whitley could fill a volume or two.

I decided it would be earlier, or better, to cover the Baptist beliefs on Hell, the Methodist view of Hell, the Jewish, and so on, in individual posts.

Uncle Clarence, who would have no problem with "Rev." as a term of endearment, is of course also one of the stars of my new "Apple Montage" poem:

https://groups.google.com/d/msg/alt.arts.poetry.comments/9bWNydZMIjI/QrvAIZj1BAAJ

Apple Montage

Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.

Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.

To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.

There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, other trees.

Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched Pops and my Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.

I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.

I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.

The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.

-Will Dockery

...And so it goes.

[Will Dockery]

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, other trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched Pops and my Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

Too many 'Uncles' Drop 'and my Uncle' 5th stanza....cut, print...or keep the original. Many things can fall to the cutting room floor, without destroying the message..in this case, the viewpoint of a young Will..

Yes, only one Uncle is mentioned in the poem, my Uncle Clarence. And speaking of, I just today found a rare photograph of him in some newsaper archives:

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/357684395396903097/

Second from Left:
Reverend Clarence W. Whitley.

[Will Dockery]

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, other trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched Pops and my Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery
I'll post the new thread at midnight...Corey will choose the next poet to offer a topic...

A quick one before the deadline of the Midnight Hour...
================================================================

This is, IMO, one of your best works. The plot is clear, and doesn't require any knowledge of your personal life/the Shadowville mythos to make sense.
As to the "controversy" it's stirred up, I'm with Jim. Or, to quote a popular saw: If it ain't broke, don't fix it (except for grammar and punctuation, of course).

Post by drive-by
Apple Montage
I was sneaking around[,]
smoking menthol
[behind] the sheds[;]
[l]ate summer vacation[,] 1973[']
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
I stood near
as a crowd
watched my father and Uncle[]

[]cooking apple butter[;]

Post by drive-by
stirring the brown gunk[,]
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
[I went from] [b]reathing cold mist
out back behind the barn[,]
[]to[]breathing
the hot misty steam[.]
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of these trees.
And other trees
behind those trees[,]
past a field.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong [wine].

"Booze" denotes liquor.

Post by drive-by
===================================================
I want to work on this one a while more, but that's a first draft for the Sunday Sampler.

Did I go too far with it?

Perhaps... stay tuned, when I catch a breath I will see about bringing it all back home...

[m***@comcast.net]

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, other trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched Pops and my Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

I would drop the "my" in front of Uncles... I think it is a given that it is your Uncle. I also would edit out some of the "trees" in S11 and 12.I would also like to hear more! About what happens as you get older perhaps? Thanks for sharing such a lovely memory!

[Will Dockery]

Post by m***@comcast.net

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, other trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched Pops and my Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

I would drop the "my" in front of Uncles... I think it is a given that it is your Uncle. I also would edit out some of the "trees" in S11 and 12.I would also like to hear more! About what happens as you get older perhaps? Thanks for sharing such a lovely memory!

Very true about "my" uncle, I think.

And as fr what happens before and after, the poetry i intended to form a long semi-autobiographical epic, or the "Shadowvill Mythos".

Thanks again for reading, and your thoughts.

:)

[Will Dockery]

A quick thank you to Monei for reading and commenting on my "Apple Montage" poem...

I'm on the streets of Shadowville with my mobile gizmo, so will write a detailed response to your thoughts and suggestions later tonight.

:)

[1***@gmail.com]

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, other trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched Pops and my Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

Willie's thanks!! Remarkably!!! All from life.

[George Dance]

Post by 1***@gmail.com

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, [endless] trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched [my father] and my [u]ncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw [Pops]
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

Willie's thanks!! Remarkably!!! All from life.

Will, this is the version I like best, for obvious reasons. I'd suggest 2 more changes. [I've indicated them in square brackets up above].

Nobody else seems to get what I got from the 3 end-line uses of 'trees' in S5: the image of trees as far as one could see. So I think it's better to replace the "other" trees with an adjective that suggests that: "endless" is my first thought.

In line with some of the other comments, I'd suggest switching the uses of "Pops" and "my father", to put them in the same stanzas as "Uncle Clarence" and "my uncle" (don't need the capital there), respectively.

IMO, that makes a final; though I know you've got lots of feedback besides mine.

[Will Dockery]

Post by George Dance

Post by 1***@gmail.com

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, [endless] trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched [my father] and my [u]ncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw [Pops]
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

Willie's thanks!! Remarkably!!! All from life.

Will, this is the version I like best, for obvious reasons. I'd suggest 2 more changes. [I've indicated them in square brackets up above].
Nobody else seems to get what I got from the 3 end-line uses of 'trees' in S5: the image of trees as far as one could see. So I think it's better to replace the "other" trees with an adjective that suggests that: "endless" is my first thought.
In line with some of the other comments, I'd suggest switching the uses of "Pops" and "my father", to put them in the same stanzas as "Uncle Clarence" and "my uncle" (don't need the capital there), respectively.
IMO, that makes a final; though I know you've got lots of feedback besides mine.

I'm still undecided on how to explain the trees, and I'm out on the mobile gizmo right now without time to discuss...

So, a stopgap thank you for now, and will get back with you on this shortly...

😀

[drive-by]

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by 1***@gmail.com

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, [endless] trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched [my father] and my [u]ncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw [Pops]
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

Willie's thanks!! Remarkably!!! All from life.

Will, this is the version I like best, for obvious reasons. I'd suggest 2 more changes. [I've indicated them in square brackets up above].
Nobody else seems to get what I got from the 3 end-line uses of 'trees' in S5: the image of trees as far as one could see. So I think it's better to replace the "other" trees with an adjective that suggests that: "endless" is my first thought.
In line with some of the other comments, I'd suggest switching the uses of "Pops" and "my father", to put them in the same stanzas as "Uncle Clarence" and "my uncle" (don't need the capital there), respectively.
IMO, that makes a final; though I know you've got lots of feedback besides mine.

I'm still undecided on how to explain the trees, and I'm out on the mobile gizmo right now without time to discuss...
So, a stopgap thank you for now, and will get back with you on this shortly...

Fit in 'trees to the horizon' as a replacement...if you must.

[drive-by]

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by 1***@gmail.com

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, [endless] trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched [my father] and my [u]ncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw [Pops]
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

Willie's thanks!! Remarkably!!! All from life.

Will, this is the version I like best, for obvious reasons. I'd suggest 2 more changes. [I've indicated them in square brackets up above].
Nobody else seems to get what I got from the 3 end-line uses of 'trees' in S5: the image of trees as far as one could see. So I think it's better to replace the "other" trees with an adjective that suggests that: "endless" is my first thought.
In line with some of the other comments, I'd suggest switching the uses of "Pops" and "my father", to put them in the same stanzas as "Uncle Clarence" and "my uncle" (don't need the capital there), respectively.
IMO, that makes a final; though I know you've got lots of feedback besides mine.

I'm still undecided on how to explain the trees, and I'm out on the mobile gizmo right now without time to discuss...
So, a stopgap thank you for now, and will get back with you on this shortly...

Fit in 'trees to the horizon' as a replacement...if you must.

There were several
of those trees
and beyond a field,
trees to the horizon.

[drive-by]

Post by Will Dockery

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by 1***@gmail.com

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, [endless] trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched [my father] and my [u]ncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw [Pops]
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

Willie's thanks!! Remarkably!!! All from life.

Will, this is the version I like best, for obvious reasons. I'd suggest 2 more changes. [I've indicated them in square brackets up above].
Nobody else seems to get what I got from the 3 end-line uses of 'trees' in S5: the image of trees as far as one could see. So I think it's better to replace the "other" trees with an adjective that suggests that: "endless" is my first thought.
In line with some of the other comments, I'd suggest switching the uses of "Pops" and "my father", to put them in the same stanzas as "Uncle Clarence" and "my uncle" (don't need the capital there), respectively.
IMO, that makes a final; though I know you've got lots of feedback besides mine.

I'm still undecided on how to explain the trees, and I'm out on the mobile gizmo right now without time to discuss...
So, a stopgap thank you for now, and will get back with you on this shortly...

Fit in 'trees to the horizon' as a replacement...if you must.

There were several
of those trees
and beyond a field,
trees to the horizon.

Combined:

To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and beyond a field,
trees to the horizon.

[Will Dockery]

I like that, Jim. Gonna finalize this one soon.

Down here on the riverbank, the water is high, the breeze mellow.

Shutting this down for a good solid walk...

Pausing at the benches along the way to see if I find George S. snoozing down here. The Riverwalk being his living room of sorts, these days.

TTYL.

:)

[Will Dockery]

Post by Will Dockery

Post by Will Dockery

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by 1***@gmail.com

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, [endless] trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched [my father] and my [u]ncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw [Pops]
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

Willie's thanks!! Remarkably!!! All from life.

Will, this is the version I like best, for obvious reasons. I'd suggest 2 more changes. [I've indicated them in square brackets up above].
Nobody else seems to get what I got from the 3 end-line uses of 'trees' in S5: the image of trees as far as one could see. So I think it's better to replace the "other" trees with an adjective that suggests that: "endless" is my first thought.
In line with some of the other comments, I'd suggest switching the uses of "Pops" and "my father", to put them in the same stanzas as "Uncle Clarence" and "my uncle" (don't need the capital there), respectively.
IMO, that makes a final; though I know you've got lots of feedback besides mine.

I'm still undecided on how to explain the trees, and I'm out on the mobile gizmo right now without time to discuss...
So, a stopgap thank you for now, and will get back with you on this shortly...

Fit in 'trees to the horizon' as a replacement...if you must.

There were several
of those trees
and beyond a field,
trees to the horizon.

To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and beyond a field,
trees to the horizon.

Not bad at all...

As you know, we /did/ get quite a bit of poetry on this group, and I usually always enjoyed your poetry, Jim.

At least we can still look forward to seeing you here for the Sunday Sampler each week.

[Will Dockery]

Post by drive-by

Post by Will Dockery

Post by George Dance

Post by 1***@gmail.com

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, [endless] trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched [my father] and my [u]ncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw [Pops]
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

Willie's thanks!! Remarkably!!! All from life.

Will, this is the version I like best, for obvious reasons. I'd suggest 2 more changes. [I've indicated them in square brackets up above].
Nobody else seems to get what I got from the 3 end-line uses of 'trees' in S5: the image of trees as far as one could see. So I think it's better to replace the "other" trees with an adjective that suggests that: "endless" is my first thought.
In line with some of the other comments, I'd suggest switching the uses of "Pops" and "my father", to put them in the same stanzas as "Uncle Clarence" and "my uncle" (don't need the capital there), respectively.
IMO, that makes a final; though I know you've got lots of feedback besides mine.

I'm still undecided on how to explain the trees, and I'm out on the mobile gizmo right now without time to discuss...
So, a stopgap thank you for now, and will get back with you on this shortly...

Fit in 'trees to the horizon' as a replacement...if you must.

I haven't read the poem in a while so I'm not sure if I conveyed the image of a tree covered mountain behind it all?

I think that I worked that in... or should have.

[Will Dockery]

Post by 1***@gmail.com

Post by Will Dockery
Apple Montage
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, other trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched Pops and my Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

Willie's thanks!! Remarkably!!! All from life.

Thank you, Olga, always a pleasure to see you've stopped by.

:)

[Will Dockery]

I see I did leave the mountain out of the poem, but being backwoods Tennessee, that's a given, just about...

[George Dance]

Post by Will Dockery
I see I did leave the mountain out of the poem, but being backwoods Tennessee, that's a given, just about...

Pretty much, I'd say. Here's the image I got:

Loading Image...

[Will Dockery]

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery
I see I did leave the mountain out of the poem, but being backwoods Tennessee, that's a given, just about...

http://pennyspoetry.wikia.com/wiki/Hills_/_Hilda_Conkling?file=Distant_hills_%286235010219%29.jpg

That does capture the look of the area real well, could almost photoshop the characters right in, such as Pops:

Loading Image...

And Uncle Clarence:

https://news.google.com/newspapers?id=bPowAAAAIBAJ&sjid=O-AFAAAAIBAJ&pg=1397%2C5413418

Will Dockery, Gloria Whitley, Brother Dave Dockery & Jenny Whitley circa 1966:
https://www.pinterest.com/pin/357684395396773071/

[Will Dockery]

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery
I see I did leave the mountain out of the poem, but being backwoods Tennessee, that's a given, just about...

http://pennyspoetry.wikia.com/wiki/Hills_/_Hilda_Conkling?file=Distant_hills_%286235010219%29.jpg

Good poem with it, also:

http://pennyspoetry.wikia.com/wiki/Hills_/_Hilda_Conkling

Hills

The hills are going somewhere;
They have been on the way a long time.
They are like camels in a line
But they move more slowly.
Sometimes at sunset they carry silks,
But most of the time silver birch trees,
Heavy rocks, heavy trees, gold leaves
On heavy branches till they are aching . . .
Birches like silver bars they can hardly lift
With grass so thick about their feet to hinder . . .
They have not gone far
In the time I've watched them.

-Hilda Conkling

[Will Dockery]

Post by George Dance

Post by Will Dockery
I see I did leave the mountain out of the poem, but being backwoods Tennessee, that's a given, just about...

http://pennyspoetry.wikia.com/wiki/Hills_/_Hilda_Conkling?file=Distant_hills_%286235010219%29.jpg

Superimpose my Uncle Clarence aka "Preacher Whitley" on that, with this period era photo:

http://trouparchives.pastperfectonline.com/photo/7DFDD5D3-FE08-4573-A067-701663280265

[Will Dockery]

This is interesting, the obituary of my uncle, Reverend Clarence Whitley,
from the Daytona Beach Sunday News-Journal - Nov 26, 1980.

https://news.google.com/newspapers?id=bPowAAAAIBAJ&sjid=O-AFAAAAIBAJ&pg=1397%2C5413418

My Uncle, Clarence W. Whitley, was a Methodist minister from the 1950s-1980s, toured Florida as Minister of countless churches down there (part of the Methodist system is to send the preachers to different churches every few years, but I don't know all the details), and he was my favorite Uncle in many ways. And so that goes, my memories of Reverend C. W, Whitley could fill a volume or two.

I decided it would be earlier, or better, to cover the Baptist beliefs on Hell, the Methodist view of Hell, the Jewish, and so on, in individual posts.

Uncle Clarence, who would have no problem with "Rev." as a term of endearment, is of course also one of the stars of my new "Apple Montage" poem:

https://groups.google.com/d/msg/alt.arts.poetry.comments/9bWNydZMIjI/QrvAIZj1BAAJ



Sep 30


Apple Montage

Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.

Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.

To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.

There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, other trees.

Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched Pops and my Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.

I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.

I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.

The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.

-Will Dockery

...And so it goes.

[Will Dockery]

Apple Montage

Post by Will Dockery
Sneaking around
with Cousin Jenny,
smoking menthol
beyond the sheds.
Late summer vacation 1973
in the backwoods of Tennessee.
To the right
behind the barn
were apple trees.
There were several
of those trees
and other trees
behind them
beyond a field
and behind them, other trees.
Later, I stood near
as a crowd
watched Pops and my Uncle
cooking apple butter;
stirring the brown gunk,
boiling in a huge black kettle.
I saw my father
secretly pass
a wine bottle
to my Uncle Clarence.
I went from
breathing cold mist
out back behind the barn,
to breathing
the hot misty steam.
The air smelled of apple fumes
and strong booze.
-Will Dockery

Comments and rewrite/obpoem by Michael Pendragon:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/105463832836304/permalink/1467703969945610/